"The Successful Show"

Here I am two shows into my holiday run at the lovely little SF Playhouse downtown San Francisco.

I can say the show is a huge success. I have measures of these things.

I broke even. That's pretty incredible, to get enough people to get out of their houses, go downtown to the crowds this time of year to see a "clown show". I know it's like no other clown show in the world, I have a very unique take on what makes kids laugh.

I have a wonderful new relationship with my younger son. Each year I do these holiday theatre shows with my two sons. My older son is away this year in India with 16 of his classmates, in complete appreciation of all they have at home. (the emails back home are full of stories of limbless beggars and orphans they are helping).

My younger son Dustin did all the tech at the theatre. We rehearsed together, we picked music, he figured out how to operate a lightboard and how to patch into the theatre and run music and sound effects for me. Running a show takes a lot of concentration. Even though I don't really care if he misses a cue, he does.

I have learned (as a father) how wonderful of a son I have, how smart and talented and how much I've underestimated him. He's 4 years younger than his older brother so lives in the shadows a bit.

I happily eat crow. He's amazing and my total partner. I completely hate tech. I just want to perform. I love that he pushed me to pick music for each routine. It's such a better show because of that.

That alone could make it successful. I mean, realizing my child is way better than me, is a gift.

I created a killer theatre show for kids and families. It ran one hour and 10 minutes. There are very few kids entertainers in this country that could command the attention for that length of time. I have one 90 second break in the show where I am not onstage, I run backstage during a cartoon and change into a tutu.

There is no padding in this show, that's pretty incredible to me, I've come a long way.

Here's the big one (as a performer, nothing can match my relationship with my son). I have done 2 shows now. The first one was ok, not a great show by my estimation. I was very angry at myself after for a lot of mistakes in timing and comedy.

I looked at what didn't work in the show and killed the next day. I changed the opening, because I know kids, I know their attention span, I know how to fluctuate material to keep them going. I worked on my show and I created a show better than I believed.

So, this is a dream. I am in a theatre doing my show and making some money. My profit is about what we spend on groceries but I am doing it. It's taken me years and years of renting theatres. But it feels good.

I'm a very very happy clown.

A successful show is not about the money, it's about the art, the craft of clowning. That's a big lesson, a big lesson for me.

"It's Showtime!"

I subject myself and my family to something every year...I do a big show around Christmas.

This involves, renting a theatre, writing a show and worst of all publicizing it and hoping people will come.

I'm one of the few children's entertainers, that I know of, that puts on a theatrical show. I certainly appreciate that there are entertainers that work solely in the theatre but I straddle the world of birthday, library, school shows and the world of theatre.

This year things are clicking into place. We are doing the final dress rehearsal, I still have to run out and buy bagels for the singing bagel routine but the show could go on this afternoon and it would be in good shape.

It's a scary venture, putting yourself out there like this. There are really so many things out of my control. On the other hand, this is what's called living my dream.

I love children's stage performing. It's been a focus of mine for years. The control and flow of a show, often how to pull it back because when children laugh too hard they sometimes wet themselves. Yup, I'm that funny.

So, I'm nervously making lists of what to finish up. Dress rehearsal this afternoon. Then it's showtime! For the first time in all the years I've rented a theatre, I will not only break even but make money. It actually looks like I'm going to sell all the shows out. There are about 45 tickets left for all the shows. That's cool.

"Raul's Mom"

I visited the kids at Family House last night. Family House is a place where families live while their kids are in cancer treatment. (Of course there are other awful diseases children have. Their families are also welcome.)

My number one fan Raul died 4 days ago. It was a bit strange to go in there for me. My job is to entertain, not soothe. There are lots of kids there though, plenty to make laugh.

It was a Holiday party (translate Christmas. Come on! I'm a Jew and I call everything Christmas!). Presents galore, piles and piles of presents for the kids. Way more than I give my children even. People love to donate to this place.

I am surrounded by my fan club of kids (there is no place I'm more of a rockstar than Family House). There is Santa, there are elves giving away presents, my good friend Super Gigi is facepainting (she's the best in the world, and totally funny).

Raul's brothers come through and say "Hi Boswick...my brother passed away" Oy. What do I say to that?

Towards the end, Raul's dad asked me to come see his wife, she just didn't want to come to the party. So I went to where they live and she was lying under blankets crying.

The room is like a large hotel room. Everyone is living there, Mom Dad and about 4 kids. So there are toys all over, clothes, TV video games. It would look like a typical family vacation viewed without knowledge.

She brightened up when I came in. She even smiled when she saw me. Raul loved me, that made her smile.

That's what I do. That's why I'm here. For all the fight to stay doing what I do, the fight to make a living. The fight to make a living as a clown and convince people that kids love clowns. Raul's mom smiled when she saw me.

We sat, I held her hand. I had made a small video for Raul, when he missed my show last year. I make videos all the time, to me, it's a tiny project. Raul had my video on his ipod. He watched it a few days before he passed away.

I did what I do. I made a family smile for a few minutes, in a world that gave them nothing to smile about.

"For Raul"

I found out last night that my super fan Raul passed away.

I've visited a lot of sick kids over my career. This is my first experience and I'm sad.

I didn't know Raul, really. I have visited a special place he lives with his family, called Family House for many years. Raul and his "crazy cousins" have lived there at least 2 years.

But I think about the family.

I live near the hospital where children are in cancer treatment. So, I think about Raul and his family.

I visited the kids at Family House right before Thanksgiving and asked about him, he was getting bone marrow. So he missed my visit. I meant to send him a video greeting. Sometimes, I do that for kids.

I'm visiting the kids tonight at Family House and they told me Raul "had lost his battle" last week.

It makes me sad.

I didn't really know Raul. I know he loved me. That's pretty cool. I made him laugh. He was my fan. I'm his clown.

"Stick To It, Good Things Happen"

I've rented theatres, every holiday season.

The tough part, getting an audience. I spend so much time getting an audience, the show itself becomes the second most important thing after just getting kids in there.

A funny thing happened this year. I'm over 3 weeks from my show and a quarter of the tickets are sold. This means it's pretty likely to sell out plus. Wow.

My lesson, stick to it. I've been running into people that say, I know you, I keep getting you in my email.

So, I really started working on the show. It's quite exciting. I am rehearsing and writing and reordering the show. Even if I don't sell another ticket, I have enough people coming to do the shows. I just need about 10 per show to get good laughs.

There are so many things like this as a performer and dare I say it... in life. Stick to things, even when it's uncomfortable and you can get the reward over time.

This reminds me of a section in "Think and Grow Rich" (highly highly recomend by the way!). One of the secrets to very succesful people, they don't give up early. They come to decisions quickly and let go very very slowly.

This year it looks like not only will I break even, which is my goal each year but I'll make a bit and I'll be able to pay my son and my neice more than I thought.

It's pretty cool. If you're around...come check out the show http://www.boswick.net.\/show

“The Most Hated of Men...”

I have to say, it does get to me...the clown hatred the pretend clown phobia. Yes, pretend, it exists and I’ve seen it if someone really has a fear of clowns, you can tell it’s on the level of fear of spiders it’s pretty extreme. The people that say they have it are just buying into this lazy perception.

I put up a good front and laugh it off but I am honestly confused, hurt and disappointed, about this world I’m trying to make a funnier place.

Here’s tmy mistake. Don’t go on youtube, don’t go on yelp, don’t read discussions when you search clowns. I made that mistake.

but I’ve been a bit vulnerable this week. When really great things happen to me, I get a bit nervous and uncomfortable. If get a lot of applause, I am looking for the other shoe to fall. Underneath my bravado, I’m scared of not being liked.

Here are some good things this week...

I was mentioned in the New York Times in the Sunday magazine. That’s terribly cool. I mean, it’s the NY Times! A reporter asked for a quote about a fetish thing with clowns, there are stripper clowns apparently in the burlesque world.

I’m not in the burlesque world, if I have a choice, I’m asleep around 10:30, up at 6.

A reporter for the NY Times! asked me for a quote about these strippers. I said, I was probably not the right guy to go to, I really don’t care that much. But I said, if kids see this, start saving for therapy now. I’m protective of kids but I can’t imagine you’d find a kid anywhere near a stripper place anyway. It’s drinking, it’s late at night, the filters are built in. You’re not going to find kids around a bar.

I also had some big time love and nice emails about one of my shows for Family House a charity I have taken on for kids with cancer.

I’ve been promoting my annual holiday show like crazy, I’ve been busy with shows, I’m writing a lot and I’m not broke right now.

To me, a recipe for disaster. Too many good things at once.

I was looking on Yelp and saw a guy wanted a recommendation for a clown for his child’s birthday. The thread about, how children hate clowns and clowns are scary etc etc hurts me to the core. I had an annoying teenager make a big deal the other day of avoiding me as I was going into a little girls house (this happens a lot with teenagers, they are dramatic), I had a fellow say “clown’s are scary” as I got out of my car to go to a corporate event and now Yelp.

it’s tiring being the most hated person on the planet. Yet, all I live for is audience love. It’s a weird feeling.

It’s a confusing feeling. I am one of the most beloved characters in the lives of the kids I see. I should say, the adults as well, the most common compliment I get is “I think I laughed more than the kids”

Yet, there is this lazy joke floating around that somehow becomes true to people, clowns are scary, don’t get your kids near clowns.

I often don’t think I’m strong enough to take on this battle.

Oy...it’s a living.

"It's Surreal to be a Clown.."

I visited the kids at Family House last night. Just for clarity, Family House is a place where families live while their kids are in super extreme car at UCSF Med Center. A lot of these children are bald, in wheel chairs, are very small because they don't grow.

There is a Thanksgiving party every year I go to. Volunteers make food, it's a big celebration, then they see their favorite Boswick the Clown.

OK, that's the scenario.

I am famous at Family House, and when I say famous, I mean Brad Pitt, Robin Williams famous. They have posters all over announcing my visit, they have a giant poster of me with a kid on the wall, they have a photographer to shoot the show. Last night a bunch of kids skipped the feast so they could hang out with me as I set up.

That's pretty uncomfortable for me but this show and this is bad phrasing, kills. I mean, I have the sick kids, their brothers and sisters, parents, staff and umpteen volunteers laughing in hysterics.

I got involved with Family House because they are 2 blocks from where I live. No car, just a clown walking down the street with his junk to a show.

My neighborhood is one of those really popular city neighborhoods, with hipsters, oldsters, shoppers and ATM users. Walking, I have to pass 4 restaurants, either side of the road, 3 banks, and a grocery store. Lots of people.

Mostly people ignore me, in an obvious, I'm ignoring you on purpose way. Which is always odd, I am a clown, they could say hi, or have a good day or quit clowning around. And it's at night, the show is around 7:30, you probably aren't expecting to see a clown at night going out to dinner.

I'm a celebrity in my little universe. And walking home, I'm a weirdo in a clown suit. It's the strangest of feelings. I just keep wanting to say, "you should have seen me 10 minutes ago, they couldn't stop laughing" But I'm getting people walking by me saying, "clowns scare me" And yes, they do say that right to me.

I read a great story about the world's greatest violinist playing in the subway as an experiment. The conclusion was basically, out of context you don't appreciate an art form.

As a clown, I am the living embodiment of the art itself. it's not a recording of a song, or a photo on display. It's me walking by...sort of a celebrity.

I spend my life looking for fame. So when I get that fame in abundance, it's really surreal to have it taken away so quickly.

I would drive but there's no place to park around here!

"You Can Get an Entertainer to Do Anything!”

People that do entertainment, are insecure little children. I can say that because I am an insecure child.

I have taken the stupidest jobs that do nothing for my bank account or career, because I heard, something like “we love you, my children always talk about you...” I’ve given discounts, I’ve done things for free, I’ve driven and driven driven. Because they love me, they really love me!

I am such an insecure wreck, I need to hear how wonderful I am.

The thing is, it’s not just me. All performers will do this, all performers need love more than money.

I often am in a position of being event planner for a company and have the chance to hire other entertainers. Because I chose to call them and they will lower their price for me, practically offer to wash my car because I’m calling them.

I booked a large event last year. I put together a crew of about 15 performers. It was amazing how many people just begged and were so happy, I called. I am just happy to hire the best I can, I was being paid to put this thing together, because of my knowledge, you don’t have to lick my shoe.

On the other side of this. I do have people chew me out, because I should do them a favor. then demand I give discounts. I’m talking customers here. It’s funny because it’s so easy to get discounts, this tactic makes an unhappy relationship. I often discount shows because I need to work and compare the bird in the hand vs. maybe I’ll book something, maybe I won’t. I usually have to go with the security. But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. If people are nice about it, I don’t have that crusty feeling in my mouth.

The funny part, if they said something like, we really like you but that’s a lot more than we can afford, can you discount a bit? I’d work it out and be happy to be there. People are funny.

It’s a lesson in life. You can get a lot of good things given to you if you approach it from the person you are talking to is the best at their job.

So, if you need to totally take advantage of a creative person. Just compliment their hair, skin teeth and talent. They’ll do anything for you. Just be nice about it.

"Shows For Special Needs Kids!"

I did a show yesterday at a camp dedicated to special needs kids.

I just love these shows, I love these kids, I get a big kick out of how much they will laugh.

A lot of people don't deal with this population. I would do the shows for free, it's just a treat to me.

What's great about being a clown, is whatever happens during the show, I can "comment" on it, either physically or verbally and I do. It gets the councilors howling. Every kid there had a one on one councilor. So, it's an interesting show. Sometimes, I can have people just wandering right into a routine or in the case of yesterday, I had one young lady, stand front and center in front of me to watch. Each time, I tried to put her off to the side (gently and in a funny way), she came back to the center. Oh well, no one can see, but I just put that much more energy into working with what's there.

I have a choice going in, I can be super sarcastic and edgy because it will go over the heads of the participants and go to the councilors that tend to be sort of hip people. (yup, I've visited lots of special needs places and there are more facial piercings, porkpie hats, beanies and tattoos than the normal population).

I choose to do routines that will have the participants enjoying the show. Now this can be uncomfortable because sometimes there is no response, it's a weird feeling to be doing a routine in the quiet. While I'm doing it, I know it works, I have to trust it. I could get easy laughs by going for the self commenting route "well, I guess that doesn't work..."

That will get a laugh but it's easy cheap comedy.

At the end, I really am not sure how I did. There were participants on a higher functioning level that had a great time. But I also got a lot of stares. A couple of the councilors came up and told me, they loved it. They paid attention, watched for the entire time, that's unusual.

This is a part of the job I get a kick out of. Every day is new. Who knows what will happen next?

How I learned to Juggle....

How I learned to Juggle....

My older brother could juggle two things, I thought that was pretty cool and tried and tried and learned to copy him.

I thought I was pretty cool.

When I was 11, I was in summer camp. I was in a skit and was dressed as a girl with a bikini top and oranges stuffed in my breast top. (hey, once a clown, always...)

I was goofing around and showed one of the councilors my ability with two, thinking I was pretty good. He said, “three is actually easier” and showed me the classic juggling pattern, I picked it up pretty quickly...

That summer, I juggled everything in site. Oranges, peaches, tangerines. I moved onto tennis balls.

I have always juggled but I didn’t really realize there was a world for jugglers till I went to Clown College.

Now at Clown College, there were really good jugglers. My friend Randy (Bless his soul, he was one of the very first people I knew that succumbed to AIDS so long ago, I miss him). Randy used to constantly practice 5 club back crosses.

So, I worked on it.

When I was in the circus, I had a roommate that worked and worked and worked with me. Thanks Rich Potter. He said once to me, you know you will be a professional juggler within the next 6 months.

And I was.

I worked a lot on passing juggling clubs with Rich.

Then I was home. I had two friends from Clown College, Woody and Brady, we created Kloons on Ice! A comedy, skit, improvisational, clowning, juggling troupe.

Woody was a very good juggler in his own right, prior to Clown College, I know he juggled a lot. If you knew Woody, you would know his focus made him a very good juggler. Focus has allowed Woody to become a very fine clown, a great juggler, a writer of history. Plus he turned into my brother in law by marrying my sister in law Nancy (rowr, a Kloon joke).

While we were hanging out, practicing, writing material, deciding on our crazy future, we used to meet in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, every day and juggle.

We were a good team of club passers. I didn’t know at the time but it was pretty impressive what we did. Always focused on the silly but still very skilled.

From copying my brother to standing in front of 5000 people juggling...it’s quite a journey.

"This Year's Big Show!"

Regular fans of Boswick know that each year I rent a theatre around Christmas time and do shows for families.

I have a giant passion for theatre. I love theatre, I have a college degree in Theatre Arts, when I go on vacation I see plays, when I get invited to shows, I go, when I'm in a bookstore (like those exist anymore), I will stop myself from going to the theatre section to daydream.

I was bored the other day and was thinking about all the shows I see. I consider myself a homebody. But I counted and realized I average one theatre experience every single week. Often I will see 3 things in a week.

So, it's a total passion of mine. Theatre and children is just fascinating to me. It's the one area everyone acknowledges is important but very little is done for kids. People plan their yearly trip to the Nutcracker but is that really for kids? I don't think so, it's neat and palatable but theatre for kids looks like Barney on stage.

People don't see the value of this kind of entertainment because what children respond to is simple and loving. Um...corny and sappy! So, it's hard for adults to get what's going on.

But children love theatre.

I do a stage show every year because it's such a treat for me. Selfishly, I want to see kids walk into a theatre and look at the lights, the red velvet seats, look at the stage and get exited.

I'm a one man band. I do the writing the performing, the promotion, I'll do the ticket sales, the press releases, I gave a check to the theatre, so I'm the producer and I will answer the phone describing the show.

I will be totally honest and say, IT'S FRUSTRATING! In the end though, it's really fun. And I'm fulfilled.

It's October and I woke up last night with the realization I'm behind on everything. But people will show up, they always do, it's just scary.

So, I am writing the show, I have some rough new ideas of what I want to do.
I need to make a page for a web site so people can find out about the show.
I need to find a way to sell tickets,
I need to contact literally thousands of people to sell the 100 tickets I need to break even.

On the other hand, it's pretty neat. My dream is to theatre shows, I love them. I love being in a theatre, I love the quiet when no on is there, I love the lights in my eyes, not knowing exactly where the audience is.

It's a process but hey, all big projects are.

The Great Clown Influence...

When I was a kid, I used to spend a couple of weeks each summer with my friend Gary in Oregon.

It was always exciting. I lived with another family, new crazy rules, they had things like soda in their refrigerator, amazing to me. I thought that was only for families that lived in commercials. The first place I visited, they lived in a place without sidewalks. Wow.

It seemed like a million miles away, they lived in Oregon. Mostly Eugene, later Beaverton, outside Portland. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, going to Oregon was an amazing adventure; it rained in the summer and there were trees everywhere. They had wild berries encroaching every untended area of their lives. The berry situation was so bad, if the highway maintenance guys didn’t cut it back or more likely poison the bejesus out of it, they would grow onto the highway, popping tires enjoying their mischief toward the crazy humans.

We sometimes would pick the berries. That was pretty cool but terribly painful. Blood oozing from thorn holes in my skin.

My grand influence is Bill McAdam. I’ve thought so much of him over the years what a goofy guy he is.

Bill sold toys for a living. It seemed pretty amazing for a kid to know you could sell toys as your job. I know now sales are sales, If there's money to be made, there will be salespeople. At that time, there was a toy market in drug stores, five and dimes. There were no Targets or Walmarts. There was Toys R Us but that was heresy to say that name in their house.

It was a great house, no one cleaned up, there were toy samples all over. They never used the kitchen table, it was piled chest high with mail, bills, old report cards and trash and of course (sigh) toy samples.

This is where I learned to to be goofy, this is where I would laugh and eventually where I learned to juggle. My friend Gary and I went to the same summer camp in Portland. At a talent show, I (of course) dressed in drag walking around like a goof. I had oranges in my bikini top. One of the counselors showed me how to juggle after my spectacle of an appearance.

I spent the next number of weeks in obsession juggling everything and anything. Most of it happened at Bill’s house. They even joked, “I must be preparing for the circus”. Little did they know, little did they know.

Bill loved being a father. My fondest... no greatest kid memory was going for a walk with Gary, myself and Bill. Bill was talking to us, “boys, pay attention, you have to watch yourself in the world” a second after he said that, he hit his head on a low hanging branch.

I busted a gut, I had never seen anything so funny. He was talking about watching out and a tree branch hit him. Man, it was the best.

I recently found out it was a set up. I was probably 40 something years old when he was talking to me and said, he did it on purpose. I was...am so disappointed, I have always thought that was the greatest. I guess that's the key to being a clown, it's the total belief system.

I get asked a lot, why did you become a clown? What’s special about a clown? And the question I ask of myself, of all the types of performing, why clowning, it’s such a niche? It comes back to watching Bill.

When I was quite young, I got to see Bill perform in a melodrama. It was the classic “can’t pay the rent, you must pay the rent” kind of thing. I was all of 9, I don’t remember much of the plot but I had a blast. We could buy peanuts and throw them at the villain.

I am pretty certain Bill played the villain, I don't remember for sure. It was so fun to boo hiss and throw peanuts at our beloved father figure. Another great clown performance. I’m sure the only way to get people to buy the peanuts was to have a great hated villain. You have to be a pretty good clown to play something like that.

I think of people like Bill. When clowning works, there is nothing like it, there is simply nothing comparable to the level of laughter you can get. On occasion, I get people wheezing with laughter, they can’t catch their breath. I am quite pleased and I pay homage to Bill.

Another time, we went fishing in the dead of winter. My mom’s then boyfriend Joe, Gary and his dad Bill. No one could fart like Bill. It was a clown pleasure to be around such heroics.

Bill is kind, funny and a gentle soul. He makes me laugh, sometimes he makes himself laugh so hard he can’t catch his own breath.

I’ve been thinking of Bill a lot. I’ve been doing some of my own soul searching and I realize, I have so much to thank Bill for. Yes, clowns are born and not made but along the way, to become a clown you have to witness other great clowns. Although not really a performer, a great great clown. And that of course, is my highest compliment.

"Wordplay with KId's Names..."

I started playing with kid’s names some years ago.

I don’t think a lot of people do this because they are afraid of making fun of the kids. The thing is, it’s as polar opposite as you can get. The more I make the kids names into something else, the more they want me to do it. Without exception “...do my name, do my name”

It does take practice, you have to develop the ability, you can get stuck off guard unable to come up with a funny alternate name.

I met girl named Daniella today. I called her vanilla. Once you do this you can go in any direction you want. “no Daniella” “oh, Donatello” No...Daniella” “Oh denial, you should go to rehab” Whatever, it’s all silly, you can go in any direction. And it’s so fast, you don’t offend anyone.

I do this with kids on stage, I do it doing strolling entertainment, I do it at birthday party shows. It’s an incredibly strong warm up. The kid’s can get to know your personality and they get comfortable with you in a matter of seconds.

I used to be afraid that Daniella would be called Vanilla for the rest of her life. I doesn’t really happen. Kids forget very quickly, it’s a throw away joke. If I did this with 12 year olds, this would probably happen.

If you want to take it to a higher level, you can use the name as a call back. A call back is a comedy reference to something earlier in your show. I can say that I arrived by bicycle to the show, when I do my balloons for the kids, I can say, I left my pump with my bicycle. If I can remember a name the kids howled at, when I choose a volunteer and I say, sure...Vanilla come up and help. The call back is a comedy device that works like an extra punchline.

Biggest laugh of the night.

The tough part is remembering the funny name. Often I’m just moving on to the next name throwing names out as fast as I can think of them.

Often I get a name that where I can’t think of anything funny. I can cover myself and say “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear your name Daniella” They say Daniella. “say it again Daniella” this gives me a chance to actually think about things that rhyme. If I can’t think of anything, it’s a personal interaction. I can come back in a minute if something pops into my head or just move on.

Mike...Bike? you’re a bicycle? Patricia...Tissue paper? Rohan...row row row your boat? (there is a large Indian population near me. Rohan is a very popular boy’s name).

Kid’s love wordplay. Think Dr. Seuss. this is another way to incorporate rhymes within your show.

"Make a Clown’s Day!"

We’ve had painters at my house for the last 10 days or so. I haven’t come across the workers while in my make up. I was avoiding the interaction. I didn't want to be stared at.

Sometimes, I just want to be anonymous.

I was leaving the house and Blaine, the foreman on the job, said, "wow you look great!" I said, "Yup, you haven’t seen me in make up, but this is the real me, this is my job!"

Blaine said. "You know, clowning is one of the most honorable professions".

That is so cool. I was sort of avoiding clown contact with guys that work with their hands for a living, because it feels a bit awkward. When I’m around “real men” I get a deeper voice, talk about beer and burp.

But that really made my day. Made my week.

I have tons of positive energy around me but I do get the extreme negative a lot. Ewww, I don’t like clowns.

"Clowning is one of the most honorable professions."

I bring people together in laughter. I get to be around people in their happiest moments. Happy moments tend to be when a child and their parent or grandparent share a laugh. I provide laughs, I provide belly laughs.

Providing laughs is rewarding. I wish it were a bit more financially rewarding...I’m paying the painters not out of savings but borrowing against my house. That’s a pretty cruddy feeling.

....he said doing what I do is one of the most honorable professions.

Thanks, I needed that.

"Don't be rude to your customers"

So, I so wanted to tell someone to go $#% themselves today.

It's a strange feeling, to want to say $#%^ to someone. I just want to make people laugh and feel good.

I was working at an event this afternoon for the Diabetes Foundation. 1200 people taking an afternoon off work to walk and raise money. It was great, I'm really happy to have been part of it.

But I got one of those young employees that worked at Hyatt (a corporate sponsor, nothing against Hyatt). She was pretty rude, which always catches me off guard. I have to catch myself because under it all, I'm a forked tongue devil. I am a trained performer, a trained comedian, I can taker hecklers and destroy them. Nothing good ever comes from that though.

She said she doesn't like clowns.

I am continually baffled by this kind of statement. She certainly could have said, "no thanks, give it to a kid". I get that a lot, it's a blow off but an easy way out for me. This was just insulting.

And it's totally under my skin. I'm here questioning why I do what I do. I met hundreds and hundreds of people that I got to smile, some laugh hysterically, I will be on dozens of Facebook pages. But this one just makes me mad.

The good part, I saved face, made a joke, a quick balloon and got out of there. This is a no win.

But I write about it because it hurts. I suppose this is a way this person gets through life, dismissing people. I can tell she has a very thick shell. My guess not a fan of the unpredictable.

This is the part of being a clown that isn't so fun.

I could say oh well but I can't again, it does hurt. Oh well, at least I made some new friends....

You Can Have Your Mayhem and Efficiency Too...

Making Life Easier....

Organization is not my strong suit. I have things stacked up around my office that have been sitting there for 5, maybe 10 years. Every once and a while I shift them or dust them off. But never deal with them. I can’t bring myself to throw them away.

I asked myself, what is most in the way of making me money (organizationally)? I found out something about organization, it’s helped me spiritually and made me more money.

I resist any streamlining or efficiency. Mostly because I want don’t want to be a grown up. Efficient offices are for adults, that’s not me.

But every once and a while, I will take on a simple organizational project. The dividends pay off for years, actually the rest of my life. Once they are done, they maintain themselves, sort of a self cleaning oven for offices.

In the old days, I used to write down booking information on a piece of paper and clip it into a calendar. That was scary because there was a fear of losing that calendar or double booking if I didn’t pay attention. That used to happen to me from time to time. It’s really a drag to have to tell someone I took another booking because I double booked myself. I felt terrible about it.

I put a simple organizational plan into place. I made a booking sheet. On the sheet, I had the obvious, time date, location, how referred to me, phone, how referred to me.

But here’s what changed my life, I put in a self check system. I had a spot that said. “Entered in Calendar?”. “Confirmation mailed?” “Reconfirmed?” “thank you sent?” next to each question mark I left a blank spot to put in the date it was done. The easiest way was just to do it all at the same time. If I didn’t send the confirmation, I knew it would stick in the back of my mind, giving me pain.

This is still the basic booking pattern I use, except now I do it on the computer. Online calendar, email confirmation etc. Just a 1,2,3 pattern.

So, what used to be a pain, became fairly efficient. I automatically, send a confirmation, enter in my calendar etc. It’s a non thinking process that used to stress me out. As I write this, it seems obvious but I do still know performers that always struggle with keeping things straight.

I don’t take what I did lightly. Putting all this into place took a few hours of designing and thinking. That wasn’t the hard part, it was getting to it.

I’ve gotten so efficient and fearless in my booking process I put my calendar online so everyone can see it. I could never have done that if I didn’t have a fool proof system of booking. If I’m taking the step of putting a calendar on the internet, it had better be up to date to the minute.

The other place that killed me year after year-Taxes. Yuck patoo. I hate dealing with taxes so much I happily pay someone to do them. If you knew what a cheapskate I am, this would shock you. I also happen to be kind of geeky and like math. I really like simple algebra and I could do taxes for other people, I’d probably even enjoy it.

But my own, too personal I hate it! I have to look at my income and what I spend, ugh.

So, what I started doing (and this took real mental effort) I place a manila folder in my filing cabinet. One is for credit card statements (I highly recommend using one credit card for business only, it makes taxes much easier). I marked it Credit Card Statements 2011. I have another Credit Card Transactions 2011 (I take credit cards). Another is my income. Every time I go to the bank, I copy all the checks and put a date on the sheet. I put the copies into a folder marked “checks 2011”

In the area of taxes. I still don’t like them but I just pull out the marked folders and add things up at the end of the year. It’s also saved on clutter. I don’t have credit card receipts sitting around. It’s by no means a perfect system but it’s fairly simple for a one man band.

Now this all may seem pretty rudimentary and maybe even lame. But I can now take a booking and do all the steps and send the confirmation back in under five minutes. This goes a long way toward making the customer comfortable.

Where are you annoyed with your office? What causes you stress?

My life is one of improvisation. I LIKE mayhem around me, I have a clown sense, I like things haphazard. Even when my office is clean it’s a bit crazy looking, there are spinning plates over here, a television painted bright orange with fuzzy rabbit ears over there. Two shelves of mad books and mad magazines, a closet spilling out costumes.

I have to figure out a way to keep my comfortable mayhem and still get to where I’m supposed to be.

The most important thing in the world to me is to be at a show on time and make a families event the most special I can. I work a lot on the funny but it won’t be special day if my customers are worried about me showing up.

With that in mind I made my booking process automatic. This works wonders for my clients. I hear over and over, “you’re so efficient” or “I appreciate how thorough you are” Efficiency is not natural for me. I also don’t like the nagging feeling of there is something I have to do. Or I forgot to send the contract I promised.

You can’t have mayhem and efficiency. I figured out a small way of keeping my mayhem in the important areas, I have efficiency.

Find a repetitive task in your booking process and standardize it. An email inquiry? Spend time writing and rewriting, or find a response you’ve used and particularly like, then copy and paste it into your response. Do you send thank yous after your shows? Make it standard and just add the persons name.

I am really unhappy with myself if I’m meaning to send a confirmation and haven’t or am avoiding my taxes. This takes my energy, I have very little creativity. Instead of writing jokes, I end up watching TV using the electronic drug to push down my annoyance.

Making things streamlined increases my well being and creativity.

I think these small things allow you to become a much funnier entertainer.

"Get Things Done Right Away. Get Them Off Your Plate."

When I first began, in those early days before internet, voice mail and cell phones, I used to use a thing called the mail. People would find my name in an ad in one of the Parent’s Magazines that are free at the children’s shoe stores and give me a call. Often these would be corporate jobs.

The strangest comment, (and I still find it strange), “thanks for calling me back, you are the only one that’s returned my call”.

What an odd world, where someone has to thank you for calling them back. I mean they are the ones with the cash, they are the ones allowing us to do our craft.

I used to offer to send a picture and a description. I’m not very organized and would scramble around writing things up and trying to remember where I put the little stack of photos I had. I would put it in that afternoon’s mail. Sometimes, I missed the mail, but mostly I tried to get it out before the end of the day.

Then I would get hired. Often, I was the only one that sent anything back to the client. Again, what an odd world where you get hired because you are the only one together enough to mail a letter.

I don’t really like that reason but I’ll take it. I would much rather be hired because I’m the funniest or I have the best resume. In the end, who cares how you get the work as long as you do a good job.

It’s just impolite to not return a call. It’s impolite to not send a letter if you’ve said you would. I’m certainly amazed by how many people don’t return my calls and emails but usually, I’m the one looking for the work they are the ones hiring, so I can’t do much.

I’m always checking myself on this one. I often don’t feel like sending a confirmation or returning a call. The biggest pay off I get, I don’t have to worry and fret, because it’s done.

If I get a call, I return it, even if I don’t feel like it. It’s just so much easier. Bam, it’s done, I can erase the voice mail message. No more mental energy.

This is an area of my life where, I’m pretty good. I don’t put myself above anyone here, people tell me I’m not much of a procrastinator. It’s the total opposite. I know that if I don’t get to something that minute, it will sit and become a “thing” in my life. I hate having “things” in my life. I procrastinate about many many things in my life. I just know myself.

I have a number of projects I am not dealing with. And they bother me! If I don’t start on it right away, it will sit and sit and sit, I’ll see them on my computer desktop and my actual desktop feeling guilty.

Work on having a nice empty plate. Your business will increase and you will look like the most responsible clown in the world. Return your calls within the hour and mail or email even faster. My promise. Your bookings will go up, your anxiety level will go down.

"Starting Your Children’s Entertainment Business"

Recently I’ve been hounded by this guy asking me how to get started, what it takes to make a living, can I help him get started in the children’s entertainment business.

You can approach the children’s entertainment business in a pretty scientific way, it’s not that difficult. What’s tough is following through and not taking it personally. It’s just you and a microphone up there, tough not to take it personally.

Here’s the science part of this.

Are you taking workshops? If no, why not? You may live in an area with not a lot of workshops but you can drive an hour or two, I’m sure there are places to take classes.

When you take a workshop, you can find out what people are doing. They will all lie about how successful they are but so what, you can read between the lines and start to figure it out. You will make connections learn what to do and if you listen learn what not to do.

Are you taking every volunteer opportunity that is available? If now, why not? That means, a church a school, a fundraiser calls. Say yes and do it. You need to have lots and lots of stage time, you need experience. Here’s a promise, you will not have great experiences doing charities. You can ask almost any entertainer why they stop doing charitable work and it’s likely because of how we are treated. So prepare, you might be treated like “they help”, you will be told to do things you know are wrong (go stand over there and make your little balloons...but there’s no one over there). They will bring food for all the volunteers and not give you a sandwich. Oh well, do it anyway.

Look. If you wanted to write for the New York Times, you would follow the same approach. Go to a good college, get a master’s degree, take advanced courses to become a better writer and make connections. Work at small publications, write wherever, whenever, in order to get experience, when you’re ready, you can apply for the New York Times.

Are you contacting professionals and asking questions? If no. Why not? Learn how to do what I do. But here is the mistake new people make, don’t copy me, you won’t be able to and you’ll look like an idiot. My character is mine, Robin Williams character is his, you have a unique character, get on stage and find it. Doing my character will make you look like an amateur because it is fake. (to you, not me, I’m wonderful just ask my mom). You can learn from me by asking “How do you start a show?” “How do you gather a crowd?” “What do you do if the kids get out of control?” I can answer these questions, I’ve been doing this a long time. I’ll even give you ideas.

You also have to start working cheap. Don’t be greedy, time will come to be greedy. For me, I don’t know when that is, I am still here taking every job I can get.

Are you a gossip. If so, why? Don’t talk badly about other performers. Learn from them and they will give you work. I have an old clown friend, we rely on each other to get work. Old fashioned but it works. A big chunk of my income comes from other performers passing on my name.

So, when you have some experience. You have a show, you know how to control kids. You need nice photos. Why? Because I can tell exactly how good you are from your pose and your photo. I know what to look for, a customer in their sub conscience will see something is off. Do a nice photo, don’t copy anyone’s pose be your own funny self, make sure you have laughing eyes. My photos tell a story of a clown that loves what he does and kids will run up to and hug. You can get all this in a hundredth of a second. The old saying a picture is worth a thousand words is true.

Make a simple web site. Don’t copy every other clown and magician, they generally look terrible. Copy Coke, Ford, University of Nebraska any place that has good designers. Find a nice site, that grabs you and follow that lead. Trust your gut. Make a nice simple site. Again, don’t copy, just capture the feeling. Think of colors that represent you.

And just like that you’ll start booking things. You’ll be an overnight success in three years or so, because that’s about how long it takes. Or longer, hey, I’m still figuring it out.

But it’s fun and no matter how I fight, I can’t stop doing this for a living.

"My Fan Raul"

I know a young man that is very sick, I see him a number of times over the year. His name is Raul.

I was sort of surprised, because Raul is about 14. My usual fans run the wide age range of 3 to 7 and everything in between, not a lot of 14 year olds dig clowns. Raul is also a big kid. Football big. He is 14 and already stand 6 foot something. So, it's kind of cool this kid adores me so much.

Raul lives at Family House which houses families while their children are in treatment at UC San Francisco Med Center, UCSF Children's Hospital. All his cousins are there too. They think of this whole living is San Francisco thing with their sick cousin as a giant adventure. They are from the Central Valley in California about a hundred plus miles from here.

Last Thanksgiving, when I was visiting Family House, Raul had to spend the night in the hospital. He was crazy upset, refusing to be in the hospital, apparently seeing me was really important to him. Pretty incredible, that I would have such a loyal fan or maybe he just hates doctors and nurses at this point. I'll take it that he loves me.

I went to visit Raul in the hospital the next day. But he was in chemo when I went to his room, so I was dragged by another parent into a different room to say hi to their daughter. Which I did. I shouldn't say "dragged" once I'm there, it's a kick to see the kids there. I suppose that sounds a bit crass but kids always make me laugh. I don't see tubes and IV's I see their eyes laughing under oxygen masks. I don't tend to get very moved while in the hospital, I am only moved when I write about what I saw.

The funny thing about being a clown in a hospital, no one questions anything I do. I can just wander wherever, which is a problem because I can and I will. I can get into all sorts of problamatic situations, hospitals are foreign places. As a clown, I like foreign places, I try and get to the root of why it's foreign. But I know my job there is to see the kids.

So, I made this little girl laugh, she was on respirators, ventilators, vaporizers and other medical devices ending in ors.

I was heading back to see Raul. A team of very serious women decended upon me, dragging me (Boswick the clown) into a room. "why did you go in there?" "That's a quarantine room" "Who told you you could go in there?" Um...the nurses asked me to go in. I just go where I'm told and in case you haven't noticed I'm a clown!

Then I was kicked out and because I had gone into a quarantine room, I couldn't visit Raul. I wasn't even allowed to get my little case, they brought it to me and escorted me away. Foot in the behind nearly.

I'm not great with authority but I held it in check, because you know...it's kids. And I would like to visit again.

So, now Raul, who didn't want to stay in the hospital, because he wanted to see me, didn't get to see me.

I quickly made a video for him. It was pretty cool. it was a 3 minute thing tallking to him and doing a couple of magic tricks. He to liked it. He sent me an email saying so. But you know, even though he's sick, he's 14 and doesn't talk much.

Last year I did a theatre show for kids and set one show up for Raul. He can't be around other kids because he has no immunity. There he was, a giant 14 year old kid, smiling away. His crazy cousins filling out the audience.

You know, it's neat what I do. Sometimes I get in trouble but you know, Raul is one sick kid and maybe for a hour he can forget about bone marrow transplants and nurses drawing blood. His mom, hardly speaks English and you can tell she is pushed here and there by the hospital staff. It was nice to see her smile. It was nice to see Raul smile. It was nice to see Raul's cousins smile.

"When Clowns Make Rules..."

“Clowns Protecting Clowns...uh huh?”


When I got out of Clown College, there was a big uproar and protest for the movie, Shakes The Clown. Still a bit baffled by the protests and how simply weird that appears.

Why would a clown protest...um...anything? Clowns are pretty much one step ahead of protests. Clowns make fun of normal things like protesters.

So, I had just left Ringling Brothers Clown College and was completely baffled by the idea of protecting the image of the clown. I mean, who cares? I don’t want bad clowns around but again, bad clowns just don’t get work, good clowns do It all gets sorted out.

I started noticing a very strange concept in the world of clowning, the world of rules and regulations.

There is a set of rules by either Clown’s of America and The World Clown Association. These organizations are there to organize events, oversea rules for clubs, they have a monthly magazine and offer advice. Great organizations for the amateur clown, that is clowns that want to put on make up as a hobby.

Rules: things like “don’t smoke while in costume” “don’t eat while in costume” “don’t swear”

Generally speaking, I’m not for clowns smoking but I can think of reasons I might as a clown, it might be a pretty outrageous way of getting laughs or reflecting bad habits in society. Because it would annoy the %$#$ out of one of these rule following clowns, I might do it, it would be really funny.

I don’t swear, as a person and a personal choice, I don’t swear. As a clown, I work with the pretty young, so I wouldn’t do that as per my own rule. But, it would be pretty funny to see a swearing smoking clown.

I was thinking about Yucko the Clown Howard Stern regular and the Damn Show on MTV. He’s a disgusting swearing, racist clown. I don’t think he smokes but he should.

What’s pure clown about him is that he makes us uncomfortable about what we think we know about the world. When we hear him spout racial invectives, it’s confronting to our self righteousness. It’s a brilliant clown move. In a world that goes so far as declaring there is no more racism (uh, huh, sure...)he is over the top crazy racist, with clown make up.

With clown make up, you don’t take that person seriously but if a clown is shouting out horrible comments, it’s awful but is making you laugh because it’s so absurd. Or maybe you are agreeing. And that should be pretty confronting as well, take a look at yourself.

So, how can you have rules?

You can’t, unless they are personal, (like mine where I won’t swear). At the same time, clowning is an artistic discipline and it has rules of form and action. Jackson Pollack had rules within his anarchy of art. If you don’t know Jackson Pollack, he’s the one that originated paint splatters, you may know him as artist people say “this is 5 million dollars, my five year old could do that”.

Blanket rules like “don’t smoke” are useless to the clown. You want to make a pretty powerful statement break those rules.

"More Special Folks I Encounter"

I've been visiting families for the last number of years, at a little place called Family House.

If you want to be inspired, go look them up. http://familyhouseinc.org/

I visit at for a Thanksgiving celebration and for a holiday celebration. The children all have my videos. We laugh a lot.

I live pretty close to Family House, so I also see the people that work there; sometimes at the bank or waiting in line to vote.

Here's what Family House is. It is a place where families live while their children are in care for cancer at UC San Francisco Children's Hospital. Not all children have cancer, there are a lot of diseases, there are all sorts of awful diseases, extra awful if they effect children and disrupt families.

The people that work at Family House are always smiling. They are upbeat, positive and just fun to be around. You just want to be around these people. It's what I understand it's like to be around the Dalai Lama. Just pure positive energy.

Here's the thing. Children don't always make it that live at Family House; these are very sick children. Many children get better, but certainly more pass on than should. Through all this, the staff and volunteers treat the families with love and a smile. No one is judged, no one pays to be there, no one has to look for parking or find a baby sitter for their other children.

Here's the only thing that drives me crazy at Family House. They think I'm really wonderful for visiting. They think I'm pretty nifty for doing what I do. I think they are pretty nifty for doing what they do. To me it's no comparison. I leave after an hour or 90 minutes. I go home and watch TV. They are there all the time.

Children are a big deal in my world. I am really into the protection of children. These folks at Family House... I bow to them as superior humans.

It's a gift to be able to be around folks like this. My payment is just being there. It's really something when you can say about your job, pay or no pay, I'll be there. That's who they are, that's who I am.

I meet a lot of special people in my line of work. It's a gift when I do, I'm reminded, I'm really lucky, I get to be around the people of Family House.

"Waiting Around with Butterflies in My Tummy..."

It's a slow weekend for me. It's a 3 day weekend, which almost always means it will be slow.

I don't know a lot of people that go away for the long weekend but I assume lots of people do, I think that's why it's always slow; people assuming other folks are going away, so why plan an event?

I only have one gig this week, which makes me totally antsy. I need to work, like a shark needs to swim, I crave the stage. When I'm not working my mind goes to ugly places, like, you'll never work again. Or It's been a good run bub.

Luckily I have a nice little gig this afternoon. It's a birthday for a 3 year old young man. I'm happy to be there, I'm happy to make some money and happy to be a clown.

But the less gigs on my calendar, the more and more intense it gets. For a guy that's done thousand and thousands of shows, each time I go, I feel like it's the first time out, the first time in make up the first time on stage. I get nervous.

And this effects my day. My show today is at 4, which really messes me up, because I could totally do a household project, I could paint the kitchen. I could take my kids bowling, watch a movie, come back and go do my show. But I sort of put around doing small things, like make the bed, do some dishes, mail a letter.

Nervousness makes me quite useless.

The nice thing when I have too many shows in one day or one week, I get super productive. I suddenly fit in all sorts of big projects. I edit videos, I repaire stuff around the house, take the car in for repair.

So, today, I'll force myself to get a bit of exercise, maybe even let myself off the hook a bit and just enjoy the puttering around...

"The Power of the Clown"

You can't find anyone that doesn't have a strong feeling toward the clown. Love em or hate em, you have an opinion.

Being a clown, I'm a bit at a loss to say why someone would not find me totally adorable and hilarious. So, I speak from the inside looking out and ponder.

I think clowns are powerful. And to quote Spiderman the movie, with great power, comes responsibility.

What I love about the clown; Clowns cross cultural, educational, ethnic boundaries. When you see a clown, you expect antics, mischief and laughter.

That sort of prewritten script is strong.

And there are many many folks that approach being a clown, because they are at heart, exhibitionists. Not in the weird sexual way but I encounter a ton of people that will try to be weird around me, they will dance, blow bubbles in the middle of the street. It's odd, it's not clowning.

You can be weird with my craft and freak people out or you can take time to learn it. I can teach just about anyone to make a balloon animal, juggle three balls or do a magic trick. But that's not clowning. Have fun and take some lessons.

You have a lot of power as a clown, use it wisely.

"It's Cool to Be a Clown"

Ok, maybe not "cool" but unusual... I get called cool a lot.

I'm at an event and a teenager says, oh a clown, you're so cool. Or, "is this your job?" "Oh, you're so cool".

I'm a big ol nerd. I have no illusion of my cool factor, I have none. Cool people dated in high school, not me. Cool people played sports not me, I was singing in My Fair Lady for the Pacific High School Players. Cool people rode motorcycles in high school. I had a bright yellow 1972 VW bug.

And now, unless modern science improves immensely, I'm on the other side of middle age. Cool people my age are dating 22 year olds and driving Porches. I've been married almost 20 years and have a mini van and a bright red Toyota Yaris with Ralph Wigam on the antennae. Cool people are tan from trips to Tahiti or South America. I'm pasty hairy and my last trip was Fresno. Cool people wear cool clothes, sports coats, designer sunglasses and snazzy footwear. I have a rotating jean collection and a lot of vacation style shirts. In fact, I generally walk around looking like I'm a tourist.

My sons get rabid when someone finds out what I do and they say I'm cool. They actually yell, "he's not cool. He's a clown!" Their friends look at them blankly. "That's why he's cool."

So at best I march to the beat of an offbeat drum. Not cool. Just different.

I tend to be a bit lost in life. I can notice incredible detail and completely miss the obvious. I've been really shocked to learn there were girls in high school and college that thought I was cute. Completely oblivious.

I think people think I'm cool because I have an unusual profession. I would say artist but I don't feel like one, I just do what I do, it happens to be with a red nose and big shoes.

I guess being an individual is cool.

But to me...the Porche and 22 year old are cool!

"Conversation with the audience"

I'm reading a book on performing. At least I pick it up now and again and read a bit. I'm more or a fiction guy generally.

There is a concept that broken down all you are doing onstage is being in a conversation with the audience. This is weather you are a musician, dancer or clown.

I've been thinking a lot about this since I read this a couple of weeks ago. For instance, last night, I saw a magic variety show. After the main show the great swing band Lee Press On and The Nails performed. During the first and second crazy song, the acrobat that had been on stage was off stage right putting her stuff into bags, her boyfriend was going back and forth taking stuff to the car (I assume).

At one point, she stood up and crossed in front of the band to the other side.

So, here's the conversation. "I don't care about any of you" She had a very nice act but the show was not over and there were 30 plus people that were there having a great time watching and dancing.

Last week, I watched a performance my son was in. This one is a lot more forgivable. My son Dusty was in rock camp and each group of kids played a small concert, 4 or 5 rock songs arranged by a teacher.

One group covered the Star Spangled Banner version by Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar player put a little flag in the head of the guitar. They were just sticking up during the song. In the middle of the second song, he noticed the flag threw it to the side. It was pretty shocking to me. The flag is one powerful symbol, tossing it shocked me and made me want to quietly sneak on stage and take it off the floor.

These are conversations. The acrobat was a bit dense in my opinion. I don't understand why she couldn't push her stuff off stage to dismantle it. Or carry it to the side of the audience and make an awkward joke, sorry sorry...

The kid, has no stage experience and simply wasn't thinking, that was no big deal, I understand.

But it shows, on stage we are with you and following what you do. This conversation is very powerful. If the acrobat had thought there was a conversation going on, she would have paid attention to the other performers and the audience. The kid throwing the flag would have thought, everything I'm doing says, hey how are you? to the audience.

It's a concept I'm noticing a lot right now.

"Hey Out there. Support Each Other!"

Years and years and years ago I discovered a very strange thing about myself...I go to see other performers.

It started in college, or maybe high school....I would go see my friends in bands or in plays. I can only think of one instance where I saw a friend in a band, I'm not a real musical person.

So I figured this was natural, you just go see each other.

I was thinking of this because I am going to see a friend of mine tonight, the great Jay Alexander perform at a beautiful theatre in Marin County. I usually have time to help a bit backstage but I have my own show and I'll rush over to see him. I even bought a ticket.

But very few performers do this. I don't quite get it. Many years ago, in my troupe The Kloons, we put a lot of effort into mailing invitations to all the members of the local clown organizations. We must have sent out 150 invitations and I figured that would be a slam dunk for getting audiences, I mean we only needed maybe 20 people a show. We were 3 fully trained Ringling Brothers Clowns, performing together. We got 1 person. That baffled me, still does, if you are passionate enough to go to meetings about the art of clowning why wouldn't you see a show like this?

So over the years I've just seen this over and over. Mostly I just go because I'm asked. I just don't get the million excuses folks have for not supporting each other. To put yourself on stage takes tremendous courage and certainly foolhardiness. I don't have to judge it, I don't have to take notes, I just have to go and enjoy it. That's pretty rough, a whole lot to ask of someone, come enjoy a live show...

Go, support each other. If you can't afford it, ask for a half price ticket. Don't ask for free tickets, that's lame. There is always tremendous cost to performing, not physical or emotional but actual costs. You know stuff like the postcard you're staring at! A tank of gas costs $50 or more. I think you can chip in $15 to support the arts.

You have Tivo, go to a show!

"It's a bit embarrassing to say you're a clown..."

I'm on jury duty this week and we're going through the jury selection process.

If someone is dismissed, I have a good shot of going up there stating my name, occupation, where I live, etc. I will say shyly, "I'm a professional clown". Or more likely, not so shyly, loudly and clearly, even though I'm really embarrassed of standing out in this situation. I want to say outloud, I teach 4th grade. Everyone knows a school teacher.

This comes up for me, I say in front of group of strangers that I'm a clown. It gets lots of curious stares smiles. For me, the anticipation of how I'm going to say it consumes me. Will I fake tip my hat? Muss up my hair and show I 'm a goof? Will I play it straight? It consumes me.

I know the follow up questions, "where do you work?" "How did you get started?" It's always the same and I have quick answers. This time, I'm going to be asked questions by a judge. Authority makes me nervous. Really nervous. Really really nervous. I don't like authority, I'm a clown!

But I'm sitting in the courtroom, thinking of what I'm going to say. I'm supposed to be paying full attention to the trial.

Strange, for a person that completely craves attention, I often just want to hide.

I could lie when the judge asks me but...I took an oath! I'll tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth...I'll say very clearly "I'm a clown! I work at children's parties, libraries, schools..."

"Getting Kids To Pay Attention"

Birthday parties are pretty exciting if you are 5...think about it.

"I'm gonna have a party you can come Johnny and you can come Sally and you can't Austin, because you pushed me down!" ahhhhhhh

So, when kids arrive it's huge, super bowl huge times ten. You'll get shy kids, you'll get excited kids and everything in between. I've been to thousands of birthday parties, yes thousands, around five thousand in my life, so I'm as familiar as is possible.

I have so many "tricks" up my sleeve to control situations at this point, it's almost difficult to share, they come second nature. They come so easily to me, they just seem obvious, I have a hard time understanding how everyone doesn't understand. But, if you've done anything five thousand times, you probably have mastered it.

Here are a couple of very simple things to think about. Children can only understand one command at a time.

This is simply a developmental step for children. If you tell a child, put away your shoes, brush your hair, bring me your lunch box. The child will disappear and you'll find them playing Barbie in their room. To about the age of six, they just haven't developed the ability to organize so many items at once. Put this into the front of your brain, you will become a much more successful children's entertainer.

BUT, children can layer. Think of the songs Old McDonald or There's a hole in the bottom of the sea. Old McDonald with a chick chick here and a chick there, an oink oink here an oink there. Or there's a hair on the wart on the frog on the bump on the log in the bottom of the sea etc.

So, knowing how children layer, you can almost always get their attention. I have to throw in almost but keep a good sense of humor!

in the market where I work (San Francisco Bay Area), I do a majority of first birthday parties. These are my niche because, for me, they are essentially small stage shows. I often have forty children, 100 plus adults. I do a show that entertains on both levels so this is an area where I work a lot. My specialty.

With this many kids in a park and rec hall, it can be mayhem. Children running and sliding on the wood floors. If I want the kids to start the show, I approach 2 or 3 little curious ones, they either come to me or I go to the willing ones. I tell them I have a secret, (I'm whispering) come closer, come closer, (look shocked) oops your too close, back up back up...no come closer come closer, no too close...they start laughing and will follow me to help me set up. If I have 3 following me, there are bunches checking me out from all across the room. I can say to two sitting over there, come on over, they will, very easily, just with a simple invite... etc etc etc. Pretty soon I have all them kids with me. I can do the same come closer back up thing with the whole group as a simple warm up too. Bam I have all their attention and the adults for that matter.

I've layered it. Come here, go back stand up sit down. Just my variation on Simon Says. Simple funny commands.

I've done my show, I've given away millions of balloon animals, the kids are running around beating each other with balloon poodles. I gather them up for the cake cutting/singing. I stand on a chair and say "all the kids come over here!" bam they follow me like rats to the pied piper. They are completely trained to arrive to my command. They hear my voice through a noisy room. Don't be afraid to use your power.

I can reward the kids with more craziness if the cake is not ready (which more times than not, someone can't find candles or matches, so I cover for them as they find these things)...Everyone come over here...no too far from the cake...over here etc. Or closer closer closer, OR, let's take a picture...(right before the cake is great group picture taking time). I can lead them anywhere at this point, so I get them to the cake or in their chairs, pretty easily.

If the cake is all set, I can simply do the same announcement, lead the kids over to their chairs or around the cake, pose for pictures.

You have an awful lot of power at a party as a children's entertainer. I try to use the power to take care of my clients, that's my big objective. I use this power to focus the kids and have the children laugh for an hour, giving huge relief to wary parents and grandparents. I can also use my power to herd the kids.

But broken down, my power comes from knowing how kids focus. Simple layering of instructions.

"Steve Carell, Another Great Clown!"

I've written a couple of times about Stephen Colbert and why he is currently my favorite clown. I'm adding Steve Carell to my favorites list.

Using "clown" to describe someone is pretty much a pejorative but in my life, I look at clowning as a craft, an art and a performing style with roots to the oldest of times.

I was watching, The Office the other day and was thinking why I enjoy the character of Michael Scott so much. Very similar to Stephen Colbert on this front.

I love the fact that these two buttoned down, perfectly groomed men are extreme physical characters. Colbert is the classic Auguste or Pantalone character. He is the all knowing bafoon. But he gets one over on the "master" over and over. It's fun to watch.

Steven Carell's character works in that they put him in charge. It's wonderfully clownish that the biggest dolt, runs the office. Michael Scott (the character) is much like Elmer Fudd, in that he is thinking he is very smart and muddled by the simplest of every day activities.

These characters are so true to life, yet stupidly extreme. This goes way beyond acting, Colbert and Carell have to create from a secret place of bafoonery. These are the true insides, exposed of these two lovable men. They work so well because they are true to the clowning art.

You don't have to wear a red nose to be a clown. These two are just a little too neat and put together. Just a little too assured of their own knowledge and abilities, just a little too over confident. It's a subtle art to go from actor to clown and not be dismissed.

"Can You Really Make a Living As a Clown?"

It's always a question if you can make a living as a children's performer, as a clown.

I'm not sure.

On one level, this is all I've done for years, 24 years actually. But what I've found lately, it's a tough living if you don't have a partner in crime (my wife, with a better job, health insurance, dental).

Most everyone I know that is a professional entertainer, are single. They are fun loving artist types and likely play a lot of video games.

The definition of making a living is a tough one. Some people would hate the way I live others would think I was a rich kid flitting through life.

I've recently come to the conclusion, I'm doing really well and this is as good as it gets. I'm pretty happy making children laugh. But it pays only so much, there is a limit with what I can charge.

I was watching my friend Pat once lecture at a clown conference about business and he said his competion is not other entertainment agencies but jumpy houses. I've always found that interesting, people will only pay so much for what I do, if I get out of their expectations, they can skip entertainment all together, children won't notice, they always have fun.

So, it's pretty neat to do what I do.

Making a living? Hmmmm yes...but you'll be clipping coupons!

"The Fun and Power of Improv!"

I've been taking improvisation classes for years. 99% because they are just fun.

But it's been a huge boon to my performing and personal life, I have to say.

There is a concept in improvisation called "Yes and...." Meaning a person says something, you agree and move forward. It's very very unnatural. Mostly we want to argue. See you are reading this and arguing already.

I first noticed using this technique with my friend Pat as he was promoting his business at a conference, where he rented a table as HR people walked around seeing what was available for company picnics.

A lady was picking up his brochures and he said hi (of course) and noticed she was from Campbell. He said, something like, you're in Campbell, have you tried xyz restaurant downtown? She said, yes, that was great, I've been looking for a good Japanese restaurant... he said, I like ... yzx, it's was the best priced food...

I can't replicate the conversation but I noticed it was so friendly. It was obviously sales but so friendly non the less. My conversations tend to go...do you know any good Japanese restaurants? "I don't eat there, I'm still holding a grudge from World War 2"

It might get a short laugh but it stops the conversation dead in it's tracks. Where would the conversation go from there? Pat's conversation goes from food, days off to are you planning an event we can help you with, to here's my card, give me a call.

With kids while performing, I can agree and take the "conversation" in a crazy place. The kids scream, "hit your head", I say "ok" and start hitting myself. It's just funny because what normal adult in their lives would ever just start hitting their head.

I do a routine in my show where I have one of the children start the show by standing in front and yelling "start the show". This is easily a 5 minute routine in my show. Why 5 minutes? I have the child up there and start adjusting their head, their arms to start the show. They will move to a more comfortable position and I move their arms head back. This almost always becomes a game between the clown and the kid, the audience howls as the kid moves and I fix them.

This is an example of saying yes and. I can easily just ignore the kid, tell them to hold their arms in a certain way. I go with it. As a character I can get more and more frustrated but I keep trying to adjust the child because that's where the child is leading me.

It's a silly little example but saying yes is very funny and powerful.

Here's a giant mistake I've encountered over a long time of performing. People describe their show as improvisational. Wrap your brain around this...improvisation has some very strict rules.

I've taken classes for years and it's a very difficult craft. Performers tend to get quick easy laughs by saying no. See example above about not eating Japanese food because of World War 2. Saying yes, is tough. Improvisation is setting up a routine and going with it.

Here is a video of me interviewing Mary at a very small library in San Ardo, a town with no sidewalks in Monterey County, California. I hope it's a good example of saying yes and making the kids laugh.

"Keep It Simple Stupid...KISS"

When I was at Ringling Brother's Clown College in Venice Florida, we would walk into the circus arena every morning. One of the first things we would see (along with the trapeze riggings and general mayhem of having 50 clowns in one location) was a giant banner reading Keep It Simple Stupid. The K the I the S the S super large...KISS.

This was a tenant and still a tenant of the great Steve Smith, Dean of Clown College when I was there.

I was thinking about my business cards, I was thinking about how I present myself on the phone, I was thinking about what parents want to hear to book me. I can say a million things but one or two messages scream loud and clear, fun, professional, funny.

I have spent a lot of time staring at the computer trying to make myself look more professional. I'm in debt to the stylings of Jay Alexander on my promo and David Gallagher on my web site. Each time I tweak or change things they sit there saying "why?" "What's the message?"

So, in the end I trust them and I keep it simple.

I was thinking about what I wrote about yesterday...taking control at a party. Simple, I'm a clown, my job is to take the children on a wild ride full of antics.

So, I have to admit, as I write this, I am full of conflicts about things that aren't simple and my inner voice is fighting this conversation like crazy. I always tend to want to over explain and talk in circles. But really, I'm an artist that paints in the canvas of laughing children. It's pretty simple.

"Walk In, Take Control...That's Why They Hire You!"

I went to little Lucas' party this morning, he's a fan from a library show I did a couple of weeks ago and asked and asked for me to be at his birthday.

It's a kick to see a kid just break into hysterics as I'm walking in.

I was thinking about something learned over a long long period of time.

Lucas' mom wanted to hire me but they were having the party in a gigantic Chinese Restaurant. When I say gigantic, like football field sized. It was a bit of a strange place, it was an all you can eat buffet style, pay at the door, eat a lot.

We went back and forth, she just wanted something short not believing the kids would pay attention for any length with all the noise and distraction.

Here's the thing, they did and went nuts.

I had the area of maybe 2 moved tables to set up and have kids sitting. But I killed and could have kept the kids engaged as long as I could maintain energy.

This was a not ideal setting. And yes, it feels a bit odd to walk through a giant crowd with my stuff, with teenagers giving me the sink eye and kids pointing and getting excited to get to my goal area.

I didn't care. I take over. I'll be as loud as I need, I'll get the kids screaming and cheering. I take over and that's why I'm hired. I set that little voice aside that says..."you look really weird in the corner of this place" I take the kids for a comedy journey and their parents are dragged along giggling all the way.

Now, just so you all know...I do control the kids. Other people have paid to have lunch, it's not right to make my needs more important than theirs. It's a noisy place, we were a little ways away, I went for it.

I have a job to do and I hit a homerun today.

Just a peek into my brain, for those that are interested. I often get terribly embarrassed in real life. I don't like taking my clothes off at a beach, I don't tend to want to stand out. Pretty odd I know, because of what I do for a living where I am able to harness that shyness into clown gold.

Why I'm hired is to take over, if you want a clown...a clown I shall be.

"A Few Hours In My Life..."

Here's the prep for a show...

I had a large show at a mall in San Jose, I did it last year so I knew what to expect but I was a bit nervous...because I'm always nervous, has nothing to do with the gig.

This was booked through my friend Pat's company, Headliner Productions, it was near him, so I also arranged to have lunch after the show, that messes things up a lot for me, because I have to remember a lot of things to make sure I'm clean, things I usually leave in my shower.

So, the night before, I glance in my car, make sure I have what I need. These larger shows I bring a yellow ladder as a prop on stage, it holds props but also serves as my finale. At the end of the show, I balance the ladder on my chin, while making a balloon animal (hold your applause, thank you thank you).

Before shows, I get a touch of OCD. I start thinking I forgot my shoes, my hat, my microphone. Often, I pull over open the back of the car, look at it and drive on. It's embarrassing.

So. Got everything in the car, printed directions on google maps, have had bad luck lately with my GPS. Charge the batteries in my microphone.

The show was supposed to start at 11:20. I would like to be there about 10:50, 10:55 even 11 is pretty good. But early to set up and walk around the mall a bit gathering a crowd.

This morning, my son had an early orthodontist appointment. Dropped him off, sat in the car listening to Howard Stern. Yup, giant fan. After the appointment, dropped Dusty off at camp. This was the timing part that made me nervous. The map showed a full hour drive, so I wanted to drop him off and be in the car at 9:50, camp is a little ways from home.

It all worked smoothly. got my make up on, got in the car, forgot my water bottle, ran back in left was a bit later than I wanted but not bad. No traffic.

The mall is confusing. It took me 10 minutes to find the entrance. Had tons of stuff, my fingers hurt when I got to the stage. Same MC, he's awesome, big hug. I was there at 11 for my 11:20 show.

This event had the MC do songs with the kids, there was supposed to have been a dance school performing, they didn't show, the mall management was freaked, told me to go right on. set up test the mic in a funny way with the kids did a full one hour five minute kids show. Pretty long, not a lot of people can do that.

This show though had problems. The sound guy didn't know what he was doing and I kept getting feedback which is a nightmare in a kids show, they don't like loud noises and he shut off my handheld mic for some reason, that's the microphone I use so you can hear the funny things kids say. Oh well, I got him to turn the sound down, it was all fine.

For some reason the kids were climbing on stage. The parents thought this was cute. It's totally not cute. I like having kids on stage but they fall off and it's easy to squash one while I'm doing a routine and looking out at the audience and not down at my feet. Again, oh well.

I would say, what sets me apart from other children's performers is my ability to go with everything thrown at me and say oh well. A lot of people get mad on stage. Talk about losing your audience.

So, fun show (despite a couple of things I didn't like). Took pictures on iphones at the end and had a mom tell me her daughter asked about me every time they went shopping from last year. That's pretty cool.

Talked a while to the MC, complained about the economy, kids climbing on stage, exchanged cards carried a ton of stuff to the car.

Met with Pat, he also sells balloons, so got some hearts. I give heart shaped balloons to big crowds sometimes. Pat was giving a balloon lesson to a dentist, so I washed up in his bathroom, put all my stuff back in the car, drank a ton of water because San Jose is a lot hotter than my San Francisco. Pat showed me his current online project for entertainers, looks neat.

Went to lunch. Complained about the economy, complained about kids getting on stage.

Good to see my friend Pat, then back home to pick up Dusty after his music camp.

Except for the lunch part (I'm a cheapskate at heart, I usually pack my lunch) that was what I do. I know I glossed over the actual show part but I write about that all the time!

"Gettin' Clean!"

I've been in a funk about where I'm headed in my career.

And you can tell when you watch my show. Now, this is not to say I'm not killing when I perform, I'm really knocking them out of the ballpark, which frustrates me a bit more.

See, I'm getting better and better. I've been doing this for so long, little improvements just make the kids laugh so much harder. It can be finding a better place to stand. Or using the microphone better, or hitting myself in the head with a microphone.

I've let things slip though. I know it's something I do to punish myself. Knowing how funny things have gotten it's frustrating that I'm doing less shows than last year.

I punish myself by letting my props get dingy, not polishing my shoes. In my tiny brain, I figure if no one cares about me, I don't care about them.

Being a performer is such a warped reality. I took a look at my show the other day. I was setting up and just noticed how old things were looking.

So, I had my pants repaired at the seamstress (I do a lot of little costume repairs on my own, some are bigger. This one was because I've gotten too fat so my clown pants were popping at the seams, how embarrassing). I made new signs, mounted them on new foam coar. shined my shoes, I've walked through a lot of dusty places lately. repaired my microphone stand and am getting a new hat band for my hat.

The thing is, it just makes me feel so much better and so much more professional. I present myself as a super high end children's performer, that means looking my best.

So, I feel good, my show is funnier than it's ever been, I just have to keep reminding myself, elbows off the table, watch your posture!

"The Cool Thing About Being a Clown...Welcome! Welcome!"

There aren't very many jobs where people welcome you, are nervous about you showing up, force you to eat, and have you come in through the front door.

I've been to the poorest houses. Housing projects, where people walk me to my car, military housing, bad neighborhoods, then off to mansions where you could fit my house into the foyer.

Here's the weird thing, maybe this just says a lot about me, I don't really notice all that much. I go into a mansion and sort of say to myself, this is nice and go find the kids. I walk into a very poor area and say to myself, this looks like a tough neighborhood, let's start the show.

What everyone has in common, the children, they want to see their children laugh. I was walked out of a party the other day by the father of a nice young man (5th birthday). And he was just in awe of my ability to make the kids laugh and keep their attention saying to me over and over what a gift I have. This was likely a 10 million dollar house in San Francisco. I don't know the price but I can guess something like that. I am a guy that has never owned a new car, makes minimum credit card payments and seldom eats in restaurants because it's a lot of money. And he's in awe of me????

I was thinking, this guy probably owns a huge investment company or is a plastic surgeon to the stars. I'm amazed by him.

But I do something so unique, so unusual, I can make a 5 year old laugh till they pee their pants.

And I do this black white, rich or poor. And always always, come through the front door!

"Getting Myself Out of The Way!"

Some things have been hanging over my head.

Thank yous mostly.

I owe some thank yous to people, in a big way. I didn't deal with it at the time and then I get guiltier and guiltier and guiltier.

I am working with an old friend of mine. We "coach" each other once a week and places we want to forge ahead. She caught me in a spot I just couldn't deal with.

I owed a couple of DVDs to the guys that I hired to work on my last large video project. Basically, my DVD is great but it's not perfect. After I finished all the printing I got a small critique from a mom. It was simply the layout of the menu on the DVD was harder for the kids than the last one. A fairly easy fix.

I started making that mean. "Another sucky project..." Even though, when I take a look at the thing, it's hilarious, I can't believe I pulled it off.

So. I got myself out of the way. Talked to the two guys that helped shoot the video, had a nice little chat and sent them copies of the DVD.

I had such a weight on my shoulder from this for the last 8 months.

Since I did this, I've been cleaning, writing, working on things, getting rid of things. Organizing. It feels really clean.

So, sometimes, the only thing that stops me is me.

"Thinking About My Next Theatre Show..."

Funny thing this year...it's wonderful and kills me at the same time.

I do a full theatrical children's show every year. I work with a theatre company that pretty much leaves me alone. They send out a press release, hand me the keys to the theatre and say good luck.

it's a cool deal. I do work through the year for them, basically, I do their video production for their plays, interview the directors, film rehearsals if they want. It's fun, I love video, so it's cool.

Basically in exchange, I get a theatre for Christmas. I try with all my might to get an audience. I'm not great at that part but you know, you can't do everything, although, I try.

Mostly I do the show because my sons love doing it with me. They do the light designs, backstage, sell tickets and run rehearsals for me.

This year my older son is going to India with a group for an educational work tour. Amazing opportunity but it's hard on me as I think of doing the show without him. He's a terribly talented young man. He understands the light boards, runs the show, it's very cool.

I'm doing the show with my younger son. Who is excited about stepping up.

We are brainstorming what to do. It's neat to have creativity all around me.

I've come to a certain realization about my show in the theatre. I haven't been doing the greatest hits for my fan club. I have been stretching myself as a performer but I'm thinking my show is sort of like going to see the Eagles and them not doing Hotel California.

I'm bringing the fun of my live anything goes shows, into the theatre. I think it's going to be pretty crazy this year and I'll get the kids howling. Something I didn't do when I was working on the theatrical side the last couple of years.

this year more whoopie cushions, more poop jokes, more things I can't to hanging from the ceiling. Maybe some chair falls (see yesterdays entry...maybe not)

Dusty and I will knock em dead.

"The Clown Hurt Himself!"

Something I've deeply feared happened on Friday. I got hurt in the middle of a show.

WARNING WARNING WARNING this is very gross what did to myself. Enjoy.

If I have room, I do a slapstick routine, where I'm trying to tell a story while trying to sit down on a preschool chair. Like all my routines, I get mad at the chair, as if the chair was trying to hurt me.

Just to give you a reference of how it goes, I start to talk, sit down on the edge and fall off. I do this right, then left. Then examine the chair. Sit down cross my legs fall over. sit down on the other side fall over. getting faster, slide off to the left, then slide off to the right. Then I get an idea put my foot down on the chair slam my head into the chair holding my nose. Get a better idea, sit down and balance the chair on my nose...applause the chair falls straight down conking me on top of the head and I stumble off.

I add other things in there depending on the audience and their attention span.

This time...slid left fell on my tuchas. Got angry...here's the key, when I do most of these routines, I'm clear of the chair, the drama of the falling is usually the recoil or a big bounce on the butt. When I slid right....got the corner of the chair...caught it right in...the place you go poo....

I end the routine, the blood has left my head, I think I'm going to faint. I'm completely sure I ripped that area and am bleeding into my pants. I think I just started flop sweating like mad in fear.

What do I do. I was thinking, I should really drive to the hospital, this is bad. This is a lot of pain.

I needed to end the show but I would have been shorting them...so I pulled out some balloons to make for the kids, because I can make them laugh on auto pilot with balloons. But blowing them up might really cause problems back there you know with the pressure and all....

I was feeling slightly better, thought I could make it through, go home clean up and go to the hospital.

so, I pulled out heart shaped balloons which are hard to blow up but not as hard as an animal balloon. Made 40 or so of those.
Gritted my teeth and smiled and took compliments.

Waiting to get my check, I was playing with the kids and got caught by a 4 year old as he slugged me in the crotch. This is a very very common thing for 4 year old boys to do plus they are generally about that height. As a children's performer I'm hyper aware of everything going on around me, so I can catch their little fist before they can swing.

Except, I was way off my game wondering if the blood patch on the back of my pants was bothering anyone. So I took one in the front to equal things out in the back...

Got out of there, everyone loved me. Feeling a lot better when I got in the car, feeling better when I got home.

Checked nothing.

Likely just hit a bunch of nerves.

So other than to gross you out, why did I write about this? What do you do in a show if you can't go on? There's no such thing, if you can walk, you can finish, you can find a way.

I should have taken up guitar when I was a kid...a lot less pain.

"A Clown On Vacation"

I am just about to leave to meet up with my family for a few days R and R.

This may be a clown thing, this might be a self employment thing but I just don't like vacations. I love being with my family. The vacation we take every year is at a family camp, so there's bingo and cards and board games and endless glasses of wine.

But I'm just a bit tense about getting work, missing work, not being able to return phone calls.

I also have a deep guilt that I shouldn't be on vacation. I mean, generally speaking I live life like an 80 year old retired person. I toodle around my house doing repairs, meet my friends every day to exercise, volunteer in school and instead of spending time watching my grandkids, I watch my kids.

If I were getting social security, I would be completely happy.

It's probably because I don't know where my next paycheck is coming from. Thank goodness for Visa and Mastercard, they make all vacations possible!