Why I Hate Santa....

All my insecurities all my self loathing comes out when I do Santa.

And I perform as Santa a lot.

I hate Santa because i'm phenomenally good at being the big fellah.  In fact so good, people's minds are blown with how I can read body language, guess presents for kids, make personal Santa jokes with the grandmas.

Being Santa reminds me of how (not) far I've come in my career.

Anyone can do Santa and anyone does.

I don't get hired because people want me, I get hired because they want a good Santa.  Which isn't very exciting for me.

I am so good at what I do...

Why I especially hate Santa...I am handcuffed to him.  Golden handcuffed.  The money is huge.

Being Santa is like having a 13 month year for me.  I get another month of income.

And the worst part.  It's so Goddamned easy.

In my regular life, after a show, I need to take a shower first thing after getting home.  If I sit down.  I will fall asleep sitting up.  With Santa, I could go mow the lawn, paint the kitchen and do a load of laundry.

I have a number of friends that complain of how hard they are working at Christmas time.  Oy I say.  Sitting on your ass, smiling, telling dad jokes and getting hugs from little kids.  I say, lose some weight.  it's not hard, I'm way overpriced.

It's a bummer to be so good at something that an eighty year old with a white beard can do.

I'm not quitting any time soon.  And I do take the character incredibly seriously.  I just wish I got as many calls for Boswick.

I just thought, you know by this point in my life, I'd be picking and choosing my gigs more...

Sigh


Ho Ho Ho

A Professional Clown's Thoughts on "IT"....

Just for clarification, I am only writing to get the attention of the press.  You the one reading this!


I am being asked, in my personal life my opinion of IT.  (working out at Aikido in the changing room.  At  The Speakeasy, a show I do on Thursday, Friday Saturday nights and of course Russia loving Facebook).

I couldn't give two shits about "It".

The clown is an incredibly powerful character.  The clown can make people laugh till they can hardly catch their breath.  Children love clowns.  I mean love like they want to hug you and not let go love.  Old ladies come up and hug me.  Old people love coming up to me and singing "be a clown, be a clown...all the world loves a clown..."

So of course this same power has an opposite.  The power of the clown to make people laugh and smile so broadly, also has the power to frighten.   Look at 4 kids in line waiting for Santa.  Two are jumping up and down,  2 are crying and clinging to their mom's yoga pants.

I am also a big Stephen King fan.  I've never read "IT".  But I've read about 30 of his 450 novels, novellas, and short stories.  Stephen King is a brilliant writer.  He manages to turn the things we most love to the things we fear most.

I was being interviewed by a TV producer a couple of years ago.  They wanted to do a reality show about the real lives of professional clowns.

She said, "I saw Cujo when I was a kid, but I'm not afraid of puppies"  That was perfect for me.  

It's fun to hate clowns.  I love clowns and sometimes I look at them and say, "wow, this is really odd what I do"

My bigger fear of clowns are those out there protesting.  How lame.  Have a sense of humor clowns.  But wait, if you don't have a sense of humor about being a clown, then maybe you really aren't a clown. Come on. If you can't make fun of clowns and you're a clown, then maybe you don't get what being a clown is

...oy.

Read a little Shakespeare and find out what a fool (clown) is.

I'm available for interviews any time of the day or night.

Boswick@pacbell.net

Working On My Website....La Da Dee...La Da Dum...

Sit around for three or more minutes with variety performers and they will start talking about their web sites.  The problems, the expense but mostly.  "I really have to update it"  

It's time consuming and you seldom get what is in your head onto the page.   

When I search I want easy navigation and easy to contact someone.  

I have been doing my new web site for the bast 10 months.  (I've gone through 2 designers).  My first designer kept getting angry with me.  It was a very strange experience being you know...the one paying them.  They did a mediocre job.  I fired them without telling them I fired them.  Because I'm a wimp. 

I hired another company recently to fix things up.  I like this guy a lot better. 

Neither of these companies is in the US.  The first one was in India, the one I'm currently using is in Pakistan.   For someone like me, the pricing works,  I can't afford much more.  When I'm done, it will be about a thousand bucks all done.  

Politics out of the way.  I believe in a world economy. The world shrank many years ago.   Economies change with borders.  I was in Japan when the dollar bought nothing.  A cheap meal started at about $17.  And this was in the late 1980s.  It was very expensive, I was performing there on $350 a week.  I also spent time performing in the Philippines where my dollar made me feel like a millionaire.  I took a cab 4 miles for just over a dollar.  In both these places, people just lived. 

As I looked at the designs of web sites, very few performers have good sites.  If you're looking for good designs go outside of the entertainment field.  Entertainer sites are muddy, they are hard to figure out what the person is selling.  

My message:  Boswick is a highly trained seasoned performer. He will bring mirth magic and laughter to your next event...He'll also do birthday parities. 

Now, honestly, most of my shows are kid's birthday parties.  But I like that feeling that I'll step down from my pedestal to entertain.  It works less and less the longer I've been around.  Most people hiring now are native to the internet.  They don't remember a time they used Yellow Pages or local Parents Magazines to look for ads to help them. The Yellow pages were easy.  Just have the best ad on the page, you got hired. 

In our world I look the same as someone that is newer to the kid's entertainment world.  I'm not the same, I've been around a long time and have honed my comedy to a sharp edge.  

Unfortunately most people are trained by Amazon where a Sony TV looks about the same as a Vizio TV.  (I have been thinking about getting a new TV)

Here's the thing.  A Toyota looks about the same as a Hyundai or a Kia.  But a Toyota is a lot more.  

I own a Toyota because they are just better.  I learned this way back. I've rented a few Hyundais.  They aren't nearly as good.  (sorry Hyundai owners).  I also figured a cars a car and bought a Mazda some years ago.  I was stuck with that thing for 8 years till it committed suicide. Then I got myself a nice Toyota.  

For similar web sites,  I looked at kids shoe sites.  That seemed close to what I wanted.  I also looked at children's dentists.  Mostly terrible but a few were very easy to navigate.  Children's dentist seemed close. Easy to send a question or make an appointment.  That's pretty much what I do.  

My son made a new video for me. We used my annual theatre show to get footage.  I have a new look, no clown nose, very little make up.  

I got a bunch of really nice photos from an amazing photographer that thought I was so funny, he followed me around for a charity event I was doing.  Then gave me all the photos to do what I would.  Greatest gift in the world. Now there's a gift!

I have to accept a web site is always a work in progress.  I want it to be a big brochure. It's frustrating.

I don't really like working on it.  But how do I stand out?  It's gotta be your web site.  

If you're reading this looking for advice.  Front page with a picture that tells a story.  Easy links.  Birthday parties, about me, why I love what I do... Not too many.  Easy to read. Check to see it works on your phone. 

A phone number and email on each page, easy to see and click on.  I hate it when I'm on a web site and I have a specific question but I have to use a form.  

But have the forms.  Don't make the forms hard to use.  If someone doesn't want to fill out the whole form don't make them.  My only required items are email and date of event.  

Wish me luck.  I'll be done in five or ten years. 

No Elbow Room...

I had an injury.  It hurt...it still hurts.

I hurt my elbow.

Whaa.

I was teaching at the School Of the Arts in San Francisco.  "Clowning and circus skills."  I was helping a giant 9th grader, (a big un).  A super sweet kid but a big kid.

When I started teaching, I didn't realize how many kids never did gymnastics.  I thought all kids did it, either in preschool or classes.  A bunch of my kids never did a summersault or cartwheel.  Very foreign to my way of looking at life.

Life is a tumble.  I used to do summersaults on our back lawn.  I think I learned a cartwheel in elementary school, I can't remember because I could always do it.

I spent a lot of my life trying to learn to walk on my hands.  Which I learned, I was pretty good at it.  I don't do it much now.

Because...I'm too fat to hold up my weight anymore and...

I hurt my gd elbow!

The giant 9th grader in fact did.

As part of my kids show, I take little kids and create a circus.  I help them roll.  But you know they are five not two hundred and five like my giant 9th grader.

I've been impervious to most injuries.  I've done Aikido forever.  My knees pop a lot but I can still do most everything.

Except, walk on my hands because my elbow hurts.
Carry my show because my elbow hurts.
Get high fives from kids because my elbow hurts.
Sleep without waking up because my elbow hurts.
Do Aikido

I was spotting the giant 9th grader.  (helping him go over his own head without wrenching his neck). He went sideways and took my arm with him on a little guided adventure.

It hurt. A lot but I've been hurt a lot in my career.

One time doing a fall off a chair, I hit the corner of the chair on my ass.  Now that hurt.

The giant 9th grader just caused a lot of aching.

I finally decided I should see a doctor after about a year and 3 months of agonizing and complaining..  But you know...i'm a dude.  My friend Bill said, oh yeah, I had that, you need an operation to reattach the tendon.  damn...

I went in, told the doctor I needed an operation.  He said, "I wish you people would quit talking to each other...you have tennis elbow"  he gave me cortisone vwalah.

That was good for two months.  The pain returned with a horrible vengeance.

A hundred web sites later.  I emailed the doctor and asked if I could see a physical therapist.

This is so stupid, I thought physical therapy was the last resort.  OMG, I should have done this first.

My new hero Becky.  Did all sorts of detective work.  No tears, but lots of weak muscles in the elbow area from my body protecting itself.  (stupid body)

My hero Becky found I injured my elbow and an area of my neck.  (stupid giant 9th grader)

My hero Becky gave me stretches and strengthening exercises.

My hero Becky pushed on spots on my neck that made my toes flinch.  (ouch)

We set goals.  First.  To get high fives from the wee ones.  Got that
To carry my stuff into a show without pain.  Better
And to return to Aikido.  That scared me.

This last week, I not only returned I've taken 5 classes, it's so fun.  I'm in there without competition just enjoying the art and blowing cholesterol out of my arteries.  I'm a very competitive person, so I like trying to get higher degrees.

My elbow was a great excuse.  I gave up.  It was a perfect symptom.  I didn't have to do Aikido and be social with all those go getters.  I didn't have to work on video projects, I didn't have to write, I didn't have to work on clowning.  I have been in a depression for nearly two years.  My elbow injury was perfect cover.  A perfect way of not moving.  Physically and metaphorically.

Outside forces are great at messing us up.  Those little voices inside my head were loud and they got control.

F the little voices.  I'm back.  

It Takes Chutzpah to Be A Clown!

I got a call from a fellah that wanted to do a surprise at his restaurant for one of his bartender's birthdays.

These calls come in from time to time, someone has a "fear" of clowns (see nearly every other post on here to see how I feel about that).  They think it will be funny to scare a co-worker.

I tried to pawn it off on some other performers. I wasn't available the time he needed.  One guy, I've been taking classes with didn't want to do it, which surprised me, I'm a say "yes" to everything guy.  Always shocks me when people turn stuff down.  I wasn't available for the time he wanted.  The idea of saying no, baffles me.

I asked another person, who thought it was a hoot but she had a teaching conflict.  That's my kind of clown.

This guy...we'll call him Ben...because that's his name.  Was adamant.  He wanted me, he was emailing and calling.

He rearranged the schedule to have me do the gag on Monday late afternoon.

You're asking ...The gag?

Go into a bar, as a traditional clown. order a drink, don't interact much with the bartender, just you had a really bad bad day.

I agreed and spent that day with a nervous stomach.  I'm always nervous...

I went in as angry clown.  I brought a clown nose my dog had gotten to.  It was a little chewed up around the edges and the string was broken.  I knew I could use it blaming the kids

I said, "I know this looks weird but this is the worst day of my life, I want a Jameson."  while she's pouring, I say, "let me have a beer too."

She was so nice.  She kept asking is everything ok.  I let out little bits of how tired I am of trying to take care of spoiled kids.  I've wasted my life.  I'm moving to Portland, where it's cheaper to live.  (that's what people always say in San Francisco).  She said she had taught preschool. (I told you she was nice)

I sipped my whiskey, I took balloon animals out of my pocket and broke them one at a time.  I took my business card and tore them up.

A slow burn.  She wanted a balloon animal, I gave her one.  saying, "I promise this is the last balloon I'm ever making. "

I made fun of the dishwasher, I made fun of the other people at the bar.  I was a dick.  I called the dishwasher a hobbit because he was short.

Then I walked out without paying.  (this is what the owner wanted).  But she didn't chase me.  Damn. I was standing outside the restaurant, waiting for her to chase me.

I walked back in, she was so nice.  "Do you want another?  Here's the bill."  I said, "you're going to make me pay after the day, I've had?"  She didn't know what to do.  I said, "do I have to tip too?  I gave you a balloon."  She said.  "you don't have to tip"

I handed her a $20 bill that had something written from the owner.  She said "oh my God!"  everyone poured out from the kitchen, laughing.  It was like a TV show.  It was great.

The best part for me.  She asked if I really worked with kids?

And that's clowning.  It's pointing out absurdity and going with it.

Clowns are extreme versions of ourselves.  This is the best example of that.  Extreme versions are absurd.

Yes, I was nervous and the thought of drinking whiskey while in make up is against what I do (generally).  But it worked.

It was a gag but I felt like an artist.