"I don't get sad when I see sick kids..."

I was visiting some very sick children one day at Oakland's Children's Hospital. It's actually not that unusual for me, I do it from time to time, when I'm asked or at the holiday time, I visit the kids with cancer in San Francisco at UC Med Center. I've just done it for years, I actually sort of forget about it.

This one time at Oakland's Children's though, I had to sit back and really wonder about myself, it was a strange moment.

I had visited the kids, I was chaperoned around by a charity group called Bread and Roses. I was there an hour and a half or two hours, something like that. Did a show for all the kids in the playroom, then went around saying hi, doing close up magic and goofing around, sort of what I do for a living basically.

I was in the lobby saying goodbye, and the kids were gone from my thoughts, I was concerned with the calls I had to return, getting home to see if I could get an Aikido class in and most of all, I wanted my parking validated.

Went to my car, smiling, saying hello in the parking lot to folks the usual Boswick the Clown smiley stuff. Got in the car went for my phone, notepad in hand focused on getting some business done.

Here's where I stopped and said, wo what's the matter with you. I've been there with kids in car accidents, parents that have slept 5 hours over 3 days, kids with horrible diseases from all over the country to see specialists. And I'm more concerned with returning a phone call, landing my next gig, and making sure I don't lose $6 in parking.

I'm more moved by what I just wrote than at the time. I was sitting there, wondering why I wasn't in tears. How I could go on so commonly, I mean I have children, I have nieces, nephews, I see children all the time, I'm focused on the welfare of children.

So, what's the matter with me?

It struck me, nothing. Outside of being a clown, I get teary with those smile train commercials on late night tv, I'm really sad if I see a child in a wheelchair at the mail.

As a clown, I am not effected this way. I'm not effected because I am a focused professional. I visit kids to make them laugh, to get into their world of the very silly, the odd logic of the clown. In that world, there are no sick kids, just variations of getting into their world.

It's really hard to explain how I'm not bothered by seeing this stuff. Yet, I'm a very emotional person, in real life, I cry at movies and tv all the time. I cried at a Pokemon movie when I thought Pikachu had died with my son way back. I mean talk about lame.

Yesterday I saw a number of very sick kids. One had breathing apparatus, she was in ICU, had terrible lung functions but I made her laugh and giggle. I made her sister sitting there laugh and giggle. I had a great time, just being a clown. That's a pretty cool feeling.