"An Amazing Thing Happened At The Hospital The Other Day..."

Dragging myself to the hospital...Another visit to see sick kids...Why do I always say yes?...I've got a million things to do today...This messes up my entire day...Not even being paid... (Hello brain...Shhhhh, you are the one that said you'd visit the kids).

I was going to San Francisco General Hospital to visit sick children.

As I was riding the elevator up to the 5th floor an older gentleman of Latin origins was staring at me. I said hello, he looked just very tired, he nodded, barely...

Did my clown thing. Saw the kids. The ones that could leave their room came to the playroom and watched my magic show. We had a blast, my dumb brain was put to shame; there was no place I'd rather be, once I get going, I love my work.

There was a pretty girl of about 10 or 11, her father watching her laugh and just smiling. I then noticed that older man in the elevator was her father...the thing was he was not older, he was maybe 30, or there abouts. He was smiling, he was watching his daughter laugh.

The tired old man in the elevator probably had not slept in days. His beautiful daughter was in the hospital. He was able to just be with her as she laughed as was a fun little girl.

My being there shaved 30 years off that man's face. In that moment, I got what I do for people is pretty cool.

I don't know what happened to that pretty little girl but I gave a wonderful 45 minute gift to her father at his lowest point. He was just with her as she laughed...I could see it in his face.

"The Usefulness Of Comebacks!"

If you haven't noticed, people will tend to say the same thing to you over and over. We are in an unusual career and we bring up the same thoughts in a wide variety of people. I had a friend that used to get frustrated when he'd hear "quit clowning around!" He'd say, "like I never heard that one before"

I think it's interesting I hear very similar comments where I am. This gives me comfort that we are all part of a giant human family. There are similarities about all of us. Like when a waiter comes over and says, "Hi, I'm Sam, I'll be your server today". How many of us have said at some point in our lives, "Hi I'm Fred, I'll be your customer."? (Probably not a lot, if you aren't named Fred)

I don't think these common phrases are intended to be mean or condescending. I think it's the total opposite, it's to be part of the fun, it's just people responding to something they don't see every day.

As a clown, it's nice to have lots of funny, friendly comebacks in your back pocket.



Hey Clown!
Quit Clowning around!
How big are your feet?
Is that your real nose?
Say something funny?
You're not a real clown?
Why are your shoes so big?
I've seen that one before?

Start to notice the commonness of what people say. Then what do you want to do with your comeback. As a performer, especially as a comedian, I do not want to shut that person down. I want to move the comment forward in some way. In improvisation, we call it yes, and. Meaning, I'll agree and move the comment forward.

If I'm walking from my car and someone says, "hey quit clowning around!" I usually say "I have to, clown union regulations!" They smile and wave. It's a small laugh and equivalent to how're you doing? But with a laugh. I may get another comment or just a wave. Either way is fine, I'm prepared and I've moved the comment forward. what I wanted was just to simply make that person feel acknowledged and get a small laugh.

Why are your shoes so big? Because my feet are very small (pause) but my toes are incredibly long. I usually use this one when kids are near their parents, it gets a big laugh. I think of it as children being very curious creatures. I want the child's question answered, I am able to answer it in a very absurd way and I get a big laugh from any adult that overhears it.

With children, I want to move their comment in another direction, otherwise, they will tend to get stuck on one topic. "You're not a real clown." "Yes I am, want to see my business card?" or "You're right, I'm an elephant, I forget to pack my trunk." Or, "you found me out," with a physical move. Usually I tip my hat and it falls over my head to the ground, getting a laugh, putting a period on the subject.

These common statements from people are just auto responses. They tend to pop up when I don't need them. So, hopefully I can gloss over it and slide along like a piece of ice was put over their comment.

Think about what you want the person saying the comment to do next. You may want to lead the person into a magic trick. If a child said "You're not a real clown" "yes I am, I'm a magical clown...watch..."

Or if you are more physical, "You're not a real clown..." "come over let me tell you a story..." then try and sit down and fall off a chair. Or if your mime skills are good, lean on an imaginary wall and tell an absurd story of why you are a clown

Or have a bunch of comebacks all ready, do them in a row. "how big are your shoes?"
Size 1. In clown.
Actually, this one's a bit loose, someone was having car trouble, I gave them a toe.
Perfect for water skiing, I don't need skis. (Wow them with one liners.)

If you are not great at one liners. Send me a note, I can give you a bunch. Go to the library, check out some joke books, a lot of jokes can be adapted for your purposes.

"How To Deal With Agents..."

There are folks that just will not or completely hate working with bookers.

I don't understand. To me a booking is a booking is a booking. In the end, it's not about how you got the show, it's the people at the show and making them laugh.

If someone calls me from an agency and wants to book me, I have no problem with the commission they take. Customers can be intimidated calling around, they don't want to be sold by someone that won't show up. We belong to a very flakey fraternity. A lot of entertainers don't show up, do a bad job or arrive late. All sorts of terrible things.

An agency has a stable of entertainers that they trust. Pretty simple. That's why people use them, so they don't have to go through the shopping process. They also know they have a legitimate company that stands behind the entertainment they send.

I've been quite surprised when I've been at clown conventions or been around folks who will rail against the agents. I figure, an agency has ads, phones, offices, they need to stay open. They make a living off the commissions they make from my jobs. I am happy to get the work.

I try and set a price I want to make from an agent, it's generally pretty close to what I would make from a customer that's never seen me. An agent tends to have a higher level clientele, they are willing to pay a bit higher in general, they go in knowing the price is being broken apart, some for you some for the agent. If the agent offers me lower than my usual I have the option of saying no thank you, just like any job.

It's very hard to book things like country clubs, shopping malls and corporate gigs on my own. Representatives from agencies spend time cultivating clients, going to social gatherings handing out business cards. That's a skill I don't really have, I am not a big social person, so I'm happy someone does this. I can stay at home watching TV, while they're out working.

My opinion, be happy, it's a gig. Hopefully one day you'll be working so much you won't need them. Until then, smile and take it!

"What Age Are You Focused On....?

A big breakthrough in my performing came when I decided I wasn't the clown for everyone. I can get a group of 4 to 7 years olds howling with laughter in a way I wouldn't have believed possible. This comes from zeroing in on my focused age group.

I read David Kaye's book a few years ago about performing magic for children. I had been doing all the right things but got permission through his book to just totally go for it. What I mean by permission, I was self censoring my show from an adults point of view. I knew what would make kids laugh, repetition of a gag, saying poop. I censored because as an adult, I'm not real interested in seeing a trick done over and over. To a child if it's funny once, it's funnier the second time, the third the fourth etc.

Two of my funniest routines. I say my name, tip my hat to introduce myself. I say, oops, or sorry, try it again, the hat falls off, now I can't get my hat on my head to save my life. It repeats the gag over and over, just putting a hat on my head. I used to cut that routine off way too early.

The other routine. I am figuring out what to do with my juggling clubs. I finally figure out they are for juggling, I start to juggle, everyone applauds (it's cool to see someone juggle). then I bonk myself. Hey. I do it again and again and again. Getting really mad at the blue colored juggling club.

For the first 20 years of my career, I wanted to be respected. I wanted to be like Bill Irwin on stage. But I'm not an adult performer, it's not my focus, it hasn't been in many many years. I changed and looked at the laughter of my group, very specifically 4 to 7. Silly silly silly. bodily functions, physical bits, slips of language. It's the same stuff Dr. does but in physical form.

What's interesting, I get adults laughing really hard now. Watching kids laughing that hard makes the adults laugh, making the kids laugh harder. There are times it's too much laughter. I have to pull it in or the kids will use too much energy and not have the power to watch the whole show.

When I focused on my age group, I was afraid I would leave people behind. It's interesting this didn't happen. I also realized a lot of what people pay me to do is give their children fun and laughter, they didn't hire a stand up, they hired a clown.

I now see things all the time I can do more of or quicker. I can flip through books at a bookstore on child development and get ideas. Doing shows for a very specific age group, just made my performing life so much simpler. My promotional materials, my video stuff, my booking methods and my show. I know nearly exactly how it works and what will work and of course what won't.

I'm no longer the jack of all trades and master of none. I'm master of making 4 to 7year olds laugh till they fall over!

"Listening To Your Customer...Then Doing What You Want!"

I was hanging out with one of my two oldest clown friends last night. He was reminding me of crazy stories. I told him how I recently got in a bunch of trouble at a hospital visit, I went to where I wasn't supposed to. I did it because I was waved in. When I see someone in need, I'm the Underdog of clowns, I fly in!

Then I got in trouble for not following the rules. Hey I got it, rules in a hospital. I do that stuff all the time, getting into trouble is a lifetime occurance for me.

Then we got to talking, what do people expect when they bring a clown in? If you are a clown, just by definition, you are going to be unpredictable, possibly edgy, you might even get into a little trouble. It's pretty much a dictionary definition of a clown.

I'm thinking of the times people want me to do things, I know that won't work and I just do what I do anyway and it all works out. Or throw in some lame thing they wanted as a bone and then do my thing anyway.

I have so many of these kind of stories. I am often asked to do shows very religious folks. Got it, cool I can do that. Here's what they say to me... "but pleas don't use the word magic". Not too hard, I can say "trick" Like, who wants to see a trick? Or I'm about to trick you.

I go through this routine at the beginning, "I'm going to fool you today but I'm a trickster, I don't really do magic. The only person that does magic is?..." Always always always the kids will say "YOU!!!" No, I say, Jesus does magic, I'm just fooling you. "NO, YOU DO MAGIC!!!" say the kids...

You know, I've done the best I can, I have no intention of stepping on people's religious views. But, I know kids. I know how the react interact and what they'll say before they say it.

Or the most common. "Can you come to my party for 3 hours?" Um...sure. But how many kids do you have? Why would you want entertainment for 3 hours? I gently guide them...this is what works...an hour is what I've found works. I'll lose gigs because I won't do weird things like this but I hate feeling like I've done a bad job.

Or the office visit. I call them "telegrams" "Come by for an hour or so..." This is an office? Yes. In the middle of a work day? Yes... People don't want that, they still need to work or we're going to get a bunch of folks in trouble. For the record, I almost always get in trouble at offices, they amuse me, I've never had a job like that, the whole world of cubicles and stuff intrigues me. I'll end up going a little nuts, I'm in this world that looks like a cartoon to me!

Clowns are unpredictable, funny, magical, offbeat. Stay true to your character! I'm into the laughter, I'm into the offbeat nature of being a clown. I walk away sometimes and think about the stuff I just did and say "man, I'm nuts" On the other hand, it's who I am through and through. I like pleasing people but there is an important code of conduct for clowns. Be unpredictable, be outrageous, be funny!

"Giving Discounts..."

I'm so torn on discounts, I do it all the time, I don't think you could find a week in my calendar I didn't lower my price for someone. It's a fear thing I have.

I'm always a bit scared I'm going to run out of work. It's not the best way to run a business. The best financial times for me are when I'm involved with a project, like making a video and just book stuff without thinking. In those times, I just don't have the time and don't care as much about not working, so I have more of a take it or leave it feeling. Allthough, I would never ever say that.

Then there are times, it's just quick money. I often take things because I know they are only going to pay a certain amount, I'm available and hey, doing a show is better than not any day.

If I were someone else booking me, I would not give discounts, generally most folks can afford it, I look at the price of a tank of gas, I'm worth more than two tanks of gas, I mean come on! Often I'm just a sucker for people asking me favors, they are so nice and I really want to have me for their kids...(what to do, they love me so much!)

I like working. I need to work for my self worth. I need the laughter in my life. So, I try to get as many events as I can do. In the end, I've been given a gift of talent, and it's cool I get to do it as my living.

One day I'll have someone else answer the phone and I won't be sweet talked into lower prices. That will happen soon I'm sure...

"I don't get sad when I see sick kids..."

I was visiting some very sick children one day at Oakland's Children's Hospital. It's actually not that unusual for me, I do it from time to time, when I'm asked or at the holiday time, I visit the kids with cancer in San Francisco at UC Med Center. I've just done it for years, I actually sort of forget about it.

This one time at Oakland's Children's though, I had to sit back and really wonder about myself, it was a strange moment.

I had visited the kids, I was chaperoned around by a charity group called Bread and Roses. I was there an hour and a half or two hours, something like that. Did a show for all the kids in the playroom, then went around saying hi, doing close up magic and goofing around, sort of what I do for a living basically.

I was in the lobby saying goodbye, and the kids were gone from my thoughts, I was concerned with the calls I had to return, getting home to see if I could get an Aikido class in and most of all, I wanted my parking validated.

Went to my car, smiling, saying hello in the parking lot to folks the usual Boswick the Clown smiley stuff. Got in the car went for my phone, notepad in hand focused on getting some business done.

Here's where I stopped and said, wo what's the matter with you. I've been there with kids in car accidents, parents that have slept 5 hours over 3 days, kids with horrible diseases from all over the country to see specialists. And I'm more concerned with returning a phone call, landing my next gig, and making sure I don't lose $6 in parking.

I'm more moved by what I just wrote than at the time. I was sitting there, wondering why I wasn't in tears. How I could go on so commonly, I mean I have children, I have nieces, nephews, I see children all the time, I'm focused on the welfare of children.

So, what's the matter with me?

It struck me, nothing. Outside of being a clown, I get teary with those smile train commercials on late night tv, I'm really sad if I see a child in a wheelchair at the mail.

As a clown, I am not effected this way. I'm not effected because I am a focused professional. I visit kids to make them laugh, to get into their world of the very silly, the odd logic of the clown. In that world, there are no sick kids, just variations of getting into their world.

It's really hard to explain how I'm not bothered by seeing this stuff. Yet, I'm a very emotional person, in real life, I cry at movies and tv all the time. I cried at a Pokemon movie when I thought Pikachu had died with my son way back. I mean talk about lame.

Yesterday I saw a number of very sick kids. One had breathing apparatus, she was in ICU, had terrible lung functions but I made her laugh and giggle. I made her sister sitting there laugh and giggle. I had a great time, just being a clown. That's a pretty cool feeling.

"More On Poop"

Kids go home after my show talking a lot about poop. Saying "poo" saying "poo poo" saying "diaper baby" You know potty talk.

I've always found poop and farts very funny, hey it's just me being not very uptight or incredibly uptight, either way it's funny to me. I think poop is what makes a clown funny, it's the basest of and lowest of humor. The lowest humor is the defining element of a clown. Poo, boogers and farts.

I'm going to take a leap here and compare poop to the escalator. (big leap I know!)

When I was a kid, I used to sneak a listen to my dad's George Carlin record, Class Clown. I imagine no real shock to anyone of my age that went into comedy.

The humor on there about the seven words, yeah funny but what I loved most; The fart humor and his joke about noticing things around us. George Carlin talked about the escalator, the handle going slightly faster than the stairs. Since I was 9 years old, I can't help but notice the handle on the escalator goes a little faster. And I chuckle inside to myself.

I'll bring the comparison back. To a 3 to 6 year old child, the world is poop. It's parents, saying do you have to go? It's "uh oh, we had an accident", it's the amazing giant toilet you sit on. It's the line up at preschool in front of the tiny toilets and going, all at the same time... military style (don't tell me that's not funny).

Comedy is about noticing the unusual but more often what is most funny to us, is the most obvious. Riding an elevator and noticing everyone looks forward and wondering what would happen if you faced the wrong way. Getting on the morning bus but walking up the stairs backward. Driving to work on a snowy day with your convertible top down...in a bathing suit. These would all be funny scenarios but really out of the very normal.

So, noticing the escalator is funny, because it's in front of me all the time. But really I'm an adult, so my world is pretty big compared to a 4 year old. I have the wonderful option of taking myself places, on my own, no one holding my hand. Which would be sort of funny when I think about it, having someone take my hand and drag me places, strap me in a car seat and put me in a shopping cart.

Poo is funny because it's like 40% of a 4 year olds world. It's obvious, it's in front of them all the time. Adults may deal with it and make little jokes but the kids know the adults don't dig changing diapers or wiping a butt. It's gross. It's a lot of control a kid has. So poo is like the escalator in that it's in front of them all the time. They think of a joke the clown said and it's funny again.

So, a clown's humor. Low humor. Falling down. We all do it. It's funny. Not understanding the most basic thing, misunderstanding and thinking someone said poo when they said "blue". And of course bodily noises, fraps, farts, whoopies.

It's more funny to me when people don't like that kind of humor. Like they don't poo! I even think people in Europe are funny, cause, they're all Euro pean. (get it pee in!)

“Why Is A Poop Joke Important?”

Here is the thing about kids, they are going developing all the time, every second, all the time. A big part of the development is the fascination with feces, excrement, do do, or plain old poo.

I get parents from time to time not liking that I encourage this. Everything I do with kids is for their fun and growth. They can’t believe a grown person is saying the word poo, it gets funnier the more times you say it. I mean how can it not?

When I was young I was watching the animal trainers at Marine World. They said, training is never teaching an animal what it can’t do, it’s having them do what they would normally do but on command. So a dolphin will jump out of the water, the training is simply will you do it when I blow the whistle.

I don’t want to compare children to dolphins, but what the heck. Children are going to be amazed with poo. No matter what. It’s a huge developmental stepping stone. That’s why there are so many videos about toilet training. That’s why there are bears selling toilet paper, that’s why there are cute diaper commercials.

When we (yes all of us have to do this), when we learn to poo on our own. It’s an achievement. It’s high level learning. It’s a huge milestone. So why not celebrate it with the whoopie cushion, the rhyming the word blue with poo? The “excuse me, I had a breakfast burrito” joke.

I say embrace the poo! That’s a bit gross....

Embrace the poo joke!

"I'm Sick...What To Do...What To Do..."

Over the quadrillion years I've been doing kids shows, I am amazed at getting a phone call from someone saying their clown cancelled and they have a houseful of kids, can I make it?

I always wonder, who are these people that would leave someone in the lurch like that and not find someone to do the show for them? I'm fairly certain, they aren't sick, they just got something better or decided to take the day off. Why in the world would you do that to someone? It's not just bad business, it's just rude, especially knowing the stress of someone trying to do a party. I may attend parties week in and week out but I never forget, this is a big deal to people. They only do this once.

I have lost a lot of money over the years with offers of better jobs, I will always be there, rain or shine. In the end, I don't think it mattered, most times I work there is no offer for other jobs. It just seems like a good policy and it keeps things straight.

We as children's entertainers are a very small world. I can tell you that I would help almost any other performer out in a pinch. And most other performers would do the same.

So, what's the problem? I think we are in a business that has a reputation for flakiness. There is a bigger picture for all of us. The better we do, the less stress we cause, the more likely all of us will work more.

"The Shy Child"

My first 15 or more years I spent trying to win everyone over, I was so personally challenged if I thought someone didn't like me. It took a lot of energy. I can't even tell you how hard I used to sweat working shows at retirement communities when sometimes they are not aware of where they are.

In that same area, there are kids that are just shy. Sometimes a child won't come up to me. In the past, I spent so much energy on that child. In the end, didn't matter, that's the way they are wired, they sit back and observe.

What's fun about being in the circus, you can scan huge audiences and try and meet and greet as many kids as you can in 10 minutes. You can play a great numbers game. There is an instinct we have about who is going to be a fun volunteer or fun to play with.

In a giant crowd, you have tons of kids that just want to watch. There is something funny that happens to me though with a group of 12 kids. I want them all to love me. Sometimes it doesn't happen.

I do get the feedback that I am the only thing they talk about for the next 3 days. If I remember who they are, in my head, I'm saying "really...? that kid?"

With kids we work on levels. I usually work around shy kids by doing my routines where all the kids are shouting, the answer, then singling them out, they already know the answer and asking the same question. Stuff like that. They become part of the experience some people just don't like crowds.

The best way to deal with shy kids. No forcing of your big personality. Just gentle nudges from you. I'm working on a numbers game. I can make something like 20,000 kids a year scream and laugh. There are 2,000 in there, that watched quietly. I want them all but I'll take 90%. Hey 90% is still an A on your final report card!

"Staying The Course..."

I have to deal with my own inability to stay the course...

I made a goal of doing a blog entry every day. In fact, I made a goal of doing a blog entry and going back and revise my writing every day.

I missed yesterday. I had a good record, I had done 28 in a row. That's pretty good. Yesterday, I found time to do all sorts of goofy things. I found time to talk on the phone, call my mom, clean the house, take a nap, I took an Aikido class... No blog time

So what, you missed a day... There is something very powerful about making a promise. A promise is hard to keep. I could make a promise to brush my teeth but I that's not very hard for me. It's the personal growth stuff that's tough, saying I will write and work on my blog is tough.

Why bring this up in a blog about musings about clowning. Because it's all the same. My promise to work on writing is just like my promise to be a better clown, make more money, have a better show, have more shows.

Missing a day of a blog is not that big a deal. The big deal is to not stay the course. My big goal in all this is to work on a book for entertainers that specialize in children. The blog itself is just to work on that goal.

I have to look at my goals as a performer. I make little promises all the time. Did I do something to forward my intention toward that goal today? For instance:

I'm booked to do a holiday show in a theatre in San Francisco. It's something I do every year. Last year, I had a very hard time getting an audience. The question, am I doing something every day to get word out?

The show requires me to write new routines. It's a theatre show, it's got a plot and it's themed for the holidays. So, have I been practicing the new routines? Have I purchased the props or acquired the props I need?

I could go on forever.

This little promise to do a blog entry is to show me, I can do something every day. There will be times I miss but I will get back on the horse and keep riding. This show I'm doing in December. I have a lot of little voices in my head telling me it's a lot of work, no one ever comes. But I have a bigger goal. I've always wanted to do theatre shows for kids. This is a step toward that goal. To get better and better all the time.

So, I'll promise to keep moving toward my book about performing. I'll promise to keep moving toward the goal of performing for kids in a theatre, I'll promise to keep writing working toward that goal of writing a book about performing.

"What's A Joke?"

A joke doesn't have to be "knock knock" or "Did you hear the one about the..."

A joke is when you get a laugh. It can be a look, it can be starting to talk, then stopping, a double take or calling a boy a girl.

Jokes can fill in a blank spot. (Did you hear the one about the priest the minister and the ....)

If you're over 30, you said Rabbi! In your show, is there an obvious place kids shout out? Make it into a joke. (I need to find the....) kids will shout out rabbit, birthday boy, etc.

Then you twist it, right "my car keys"

Jokes are simply the shock of expecting one thing and something else happens. "The rug being pulled".

If you know this structure, put in a slow burn on purpose. Put in a look of confusion, lead the kids with a verbal cue, let's go sing around the ... right... old spare tire.

This takes a bit of examination but you can get more laughs per show.

"Staying In Character"

On occassion I see a clown in a car speeding down the freeway. It's a pretty funny site.

When I was starting out at Clown College, we had it beaten into our heads we were never to appear without our full costume, wigs, hats, gloves in public. It's not always practical in the world outside the circus but I think the notion is really important.

Basically, I try as much as possible to keep smiling, even when I'm driving. It's just a practice, being aware when I leave my house, I'm being looked at, even if no one is "looking". I live in San Francisco and have to park on the street, so there are always cars coming down my street, people coming and going from their houses, people walking dogs, shopping, they don't "look" at me but I put on my smile and stay in character.

The notion that because no one is "looking" at you you don't have to put on a show, is wildly false. I can promise you, if you are driving down the freeway, going to your car, getting your show supplies out of your car for your show, getting gas, going through a drive through; You will be talked about a few minutes later..."Guess what I just saw...a clown! Driving a car!"

My friend Jay was promoting a magic show, this is way back. He was the guest on a wake up Bay Area Show. They would do news, then cut back to the on location reporter who would talk to Jay and he would do a magic trick. Sometimes they just cut back and the reporter would say, "We're here with Magician Jay Alexander, who's doing his show at the On Broadway Friday night...the current time is 7:04 and it's 63 degrees downtown" A bunch of us were in the background and we'd make noise.

So, I was dressed in my juggling outfit, not as a clown. Lime green high wasted pants, suspenders, a bright yellow hat, a bright red shirt, a bright blue tie. Like a rainbow threw up.

I had parked and was walking to the place they were shooting, I think we all met at 6:30 in the morning. Not a lot of people going to work yet. My wife called me later saying, someone was going to work and they saw this guy in lime green pants and they couldn't believe it... She said, I think I know who that was. People may not say hello but they see you. They really do.

Now dealing with children. Start your show 30 seconds before you drive up. Do your clown walk to the trunk of your car. If I see kids, I will start dropping things, bam the kids are laughing already, they are pre warmed up. Imagine that, I don't have to spend the first couple of minutes showing them I can be approached.

Plus it's just fun to make someone's day. "There was a clown on highway 280...."

"Good Business Is Just Being Polite"

Clowning is such an important area of my life, I have put good business practices into place. I tend to think of these practices as "thing my grandmother would be proud of..."

My grandmother, we called her "Princess Grandma" apparently because she used a princess phone. If you are old enough to remember a princess phone you can pretty much imagine her entire house. She lived in Hollywood in a lavendar house. A really nice lady.

My brother and I spent two weeks there one summer. We heard, things like "don't say thanks, it sounds crude, say 'thank you'." We heard, "animals put their elbows on the table" We heard "a gentleman stands when a lady enters the room" And the all important "send a thank you"

Hey you know what, this is old fashioned but it's business!

Stand when someone enters the room, this mean acknowledge people when the come into your life.

Don't say thanks, say Thank You. That means Listen to your customer and listen hard. It's easy to say thanks and blow something off. Take a minute and say Thank you. It makes you really appreciate what has been done or said.

Get your elbows off the table. Means don't be lazy, pay attention to your surroundings, it's not all about your comfort. Oh this one is so important to performers. We think we are pretty important. Without our audience we are just someone dressing up.

I am a big fan of polite practice, I think it translates into good business practice, which we can all do better!

You Say Tomato, I Say Tomato..."

Carefully use opposites with children. In healthy doses there is nothing the kids love more than a good argument.

When was beginning I used to do body parts and miss match them, point to my knee for my elbow, pretend my hand was my foot. I've learned over the many many years, you can use these practices as laugh getter with children.

I came back from a birthday party show this morning where the kids kept singing "happy birthday" when I said, "Let's count to 3 and say Happy Birthday" The first time one of them naturally started singing. I feigned anger and said. "no singing" We did it again. nearly all of them sang. And this goes on till we reach the tipping point.

Here's the thing. I used the "no singing" to get big laughs. This generally isn't part of the show. I had a situation where the birthday girl was shy and didn't want to be with me to start the show. I don't think shouting out happy birthday is that interesting, so I tend not to do something so straight forward. In this case, I wanted to make sure she was acknowledged and loved.

I used this thing the kids would naturally do to do the argument approach. And we did it with something huge like "happy birthday". feigned arguments will get your message across in a big way. I want the kids to know it's Katie's birthday, I want them remembering whey they are there. I want the parents to hear laughter and business wise, I want them to hear "happy birthday" and laughter together.

The argument approach can be used to huge effect if you maintain control. It can build but you have to stay present to know when to switch, know when to distract the kids into some other routine. Children will not tire, they just get on their feet and start running. I don't want this in my show, I want just a hair below that, then bring them down.

I like the argument approach because it's always in my back pocket. I can use it if I don't get a volunteer for a routine. I can use it if I have a volunteer that's not working. I can use it if I get child that starts crying.

Repetition is key to using this. I tell the kids "no singing..." and I do it again. A rough rule, for shouting maybe 3 possibly 4 times. In a magic trick I can do more, but that's because we end up arguing with an inanimate object. This is sort of like bringing in another actor to interact with.

I also have the choice of not using it. That's important to point out. This doesn't have to be part of routine. There are certainly times the kids are already climbing the walls. By coincidence I did a late show last night for a large church social dance. A lot of the kids knew me, it was late, they are with cousins, it was fancy but a fun church. I got there at 8:30, the kids were already out of their minds.

I pulled back on the arguing thing because it sent them over the edge, I didn't have a lot of supervision so I want them fascinated but in my control.

Use this power sparingly, it's funny, you get to be a clown (what could be funnier than be angry about someone singing "happy birthday" at a birthday party!). You get attention and laughs. When it gets to a high point, switch abruptly. Another big laugh and you'll have the kids attention for the next routine.

"Living On Top Of The Pyramid"

What makes a good performer, especially one that works with children is how close to the peak of the pyramid can you balance? That's where comedy comes from.

I think all performers balance on this peak but the children's performer does a balancing act on that tiny area.

Here is my metaphore explained. I like the image of a pyramid because, if you chop off the top you have a nice safe area to stand and make speeches. It's like a nice safe three legged stool. I try and press things, I think of my performing as putting a little pencil sharpener on top of the pyramid and constantly sharpening the point to see if I can still balance and not fall.

Basically this is where comedy comes from. Comedy is making a right turn when your whole body was prepared for a left turn. So that balance thing, we can take our audience in any direction.

The downside. Sometimes you tumble. Living on the point is not playing it safe. With children, there are times I can get them laughing so hard, it gets crazy. Sometimes kids just fall over on their side with laughter. There are even times kids wet themselves I get them laughing so hard.

On the other side, kids can maintain this level of energy, they just never tire. If we keep the balancing point, they will keep going until...they fall over.

It takes a long time to step off that platform and balance. But that's the goal. This is how we keep performances fresh and exciting. I never tire of my show, I think because I'm in it as if for the first time. If I can keep myself balancing, the audience knows we're in slight danger of falling over. It's a journey we are both on.

"Let's Make Life Easy!"

I tend to get involved in crazy projects about 3 times a year. Like all encompassing 16 hour a day kind of things. When this happens, I notice, being a clown just happens, there isn't that much work to be done. If I'm sitting around waiting for calls or avoiding sending out contracts or what not, I feel like I'm working.

When I'm involved in these crazy projects, I run to the computer or phone, do what I have to and run back and don't think too much.

I'm a pretty disorganized person. Although, as I get older and older I notice everyone says that about themselves, even the ones that have cushions on their couch cushions.

I am really paranoid about double booking or forgetting to show up. Not really paranoid more like obsessively frightened. On Saturdays without a kids party booked, I can't enjoy going to a movie because I'm sure I forgot to write something down and I'm going to be chewed out over the phone.

For my own sanity, I have slowly put things into place. Things like a booking form for my customers. Man did I suffer over this one. What to say how to say it, sending it to friends to look over. Now I look at it and it's just the information I need to send a confirmation. (day time, location etc).

I'm not very good at keeping calendars. I created an online calendar man did I obsess over the look, what to say, should I put the birthday child's name on there or not? Where on my web site should I put it.

I look at it and roll my eyes at my former self. It's just a calendar.

In the end though, what I've tried to do is just make sure I'm supposed to be where I say.

What's nice about being a bit obsessive with my projects, I can look at my system and be thankful that I spent a little time putting them in place. When I'm sort of nuts doing a video project, I can just rely on this to be self working. Ahhhhh

"So, what do you do for a living?..."

I'm sure other occupations experience this but I find it a bit rude when people comment in a negative way that I'm a professional clown.

It seems strange to me that a person, to my face, would say, "oh, I don't like clowns" or "that's scary" or a hundred variations of those statements.

Isn't that just a bit rude? Why would you say that about someone’s profession? I may try to explain or change the subject, it has always struck me as odd to say that to someone. In one fell swoop, they take away all my passion, my training, the little thank you cards from kids I get. Whether you like clowns or not, it’s my profession, I do love what I do.

I can handle the "oh, you don't seem very funny" comment a lot more. I can appreciate that, because it says, clowns are magical; you should be a clown 24/7 and live in a wonderful little world and eat cotton candy for breakfast. I tend to like these folks a lot more because I can talk about being a clown, my experiences, how I got started, my philosophy of children (which I can talk about forever).

I have asked around to other professions. My dentist also gets these comments, he's the kindest man I know, wonderful with children and adults, yet he gets the "oh, I don't like dentists..." My neighbor is a lawyer. Again, a very nice person, has helped me umpteen times carry heavy things into my house, just because he saw me getting something out of the minivan (yes, I'm a minivan dad). He gets the "Oh, I don't like lawyers..." comment.

I think it's just a lazy thought process. I don't like dental treatments but I sure appreciate dentists and that I live in a country with such good dental care. I have needed the professional services of a lawyer a few times, we really do need lawyers, it's very important. Our laws are what define us as a civilized society.

My thought is that people are repeating the watered down version of what Jay Leno, Howard Stern or David Letterman are saying. These are adept social observers, comedians that have honed their craft over many years to comment on society in a comic way. A good comedian is a philosopher under it all. A good comedian can make observations about what I do, hey, that’s what they do.

I think their comments get repeated and repeated and repeated till they become "oh, clowns are scary". If you just repeat a punch line, it doesn’t make it true.

Whatever the reason. I feel manners are everything in this world. I can't say much to when someone insults me to my face. I will surely find my way out of that conversation as quickly as I can. I can't change rudeness but I don't have to listen to it.

"Don't Forget To Say You're Welcome!"

There is a routine by Lenny Bruce where The Lone Ranger does good things for the people in a village. They go to say thanks and he says "you don't have to thank me" and rides off. This keeps happening, the townsfolk get more and more frustrated because he won't take a thanks and start to get really angry at him. Pretty soon they are swearing at him and don't want his help.

It's a very funny routine and was made into a cartoon sometime in the 60s. It's well worth watching, it's funny because it's so true.

There are many shows that I don't think went well. For whatever reason, "the audience wasn't with me", I'm "off" or "I just didn't find my flow". In these times I really want to avoid the person that booked me or give my payment back. I have to fight these urges and take the thanks for the "wonderful show".

I could say (and I have...sigh). "It wasn't as good as I usually am". "I'm so sorry I was a little off tonight". Etc. What they said was, "thank you". The proper and polite response is "you're welcome!" Maybe even a, "I hope you had as much fun as I did". With all your acting skills and conviction, look them in the eye and take in their appreciation.

I've gone to a movie or a play or a comedy show, I've had a good time and liked what I saw. The person I'm with will say "I just didn't like the acting" or "That was terrible..." or "That was a rip-off of so and so's routine..." It will completely change my experience of the play, movie or show I just saw and enjoyed. I suddenly feel stupid, like I don't know what I saw. I question my own judgement of what I have seen. If you take away your customer's enjoyment of your show, you are taking away their self esteem, possibly insulting them. Remember, they are looking to make a whole bunch of people happy, you did your job, they had a good time, their guests had a good time.

Put yourself in the other person's shoes. They want their guests to have fun and laugh. If you fulfilled on this, that's what they are thanking you for. Again, don't take that away, that's mean.

Just like the Lenny Bruce routine, don't run away, take in their appreciation.

I have two very musical sons. I go to the 20 or so concerts they give with their schools, with their music lessons or what not. I have no musical ability whatsoever, I'm really impressed by musicians, it consistently amazes me that my children can take an inanimate object and fill the air with music.

After the concert or on the way home, I'll say "that was really good, I thought you guys were great tonight!"

My son's say to me, "I was terrible tonight" "We were better the other day when we played for the convalescent hospital" "The beat was off" "We didn't rehearse this one long enough, we just got the sheet music" etc.

That simply makes me feel bad. I heard what I heard, I know it's peppered with parental pride of course, but still, I think I can tell a well played piece of music. If it sounded good, it was good.

I know a lot of what they are doing is the "aw shucks" thing but a simple, thank you or thanks or yeah, we were really on tonight would be make me feel great about myself.

Do something good for the world, say you're welcome! Just accept you are good!

"Smile! You're On The Phone!"

I took a phone workshop a few years back. The San Francisco Chronicle, when newspapers used to make money, offered workshops. They used a hotel conference room, charged nothing. You never know where you'll learn something new!

I'm always curious about running a "real business" I often think I should have taken a few business classes in college, I just wanted to do those darned acting classes all the time! The downside to having a personality that drives you to do everything yourself (the set designer, the performer, the pr agent, the director, the office staff...) you are unlikely to just ask for help or take a simple class in marketing or accounting.

I've learned my skills through trial and error.

In this phone workshop, they talked about the face of the company. It was really interesting the lowest paid employee tends to be the receptionist at a company and often they are pretty surly. That really struck me. I remember years ago calling around to mechanics to price out a clutch repair on my car. Some folks were just so short with me, I had no interest in giving them business. I could deal with "business like", straight with approximate price or "we need to take a look before I can give you a real estimate". But I encountered a few "I can't tell you on the phone, come in."

What I heard was: You are not important, I don't have time for you, I don't need your business.

That was what the workshop basically was about. Made me think a lot about my phone manners. The phone is how I am able to sell my services. Even when people have seen me, I still have to talk to the person. It's mine to lose, if I am not good on the phone, I'll lose the job.

I have a friend I knew from the circus. After the circus, she went back to school. One of her assignments was to pick a business and do a phone analysis. She picked the local clowns and told me how generally rude people were. Her favorite was a local performer that also ran a small agency.

He was great on the phone. No wonder he was so successful. He answered all questions and had all the time in the world to talk.

Do I do that? I hope so but I have to check in with myself and make sure my customer knows they are the only thing I'm focuses on. If I have to get my kids from school, I better call them back so I can completely focus on their needs.

I try to translate this to email. It's tougher, it's very easy to come off as rude on email my method is to make it a little silly in the first sentence and use colors in the reply. What I learned from that workshop so long ago and my friend with her marketing class. Smile, and realize this is a big deal to people, this is their child we are talking about. Answer their questions like you've never heard the question before and be understanding and thank them for calling. Even if you know they won't book. Even if the call didn't go well. I've been very surprised over the years with people calling me back I was sure would go with someone else.

It's true for all businesses. I don't know much about cars. The mechanics I use now are really nice and patient explaining. It's the same in our business, patience and explaining!

"Keep Your Marketing Simple!"

I make a lot of mistakes marketing myself, I know we all do. It's human. We oversell ourselves!

Imagine if I was talking to my doctor, I was just about ready to sign the papers for my annual butt o scope. Then he started saying. "I went to Harvard and was in the top 10...I have performed this butt o scope procedure over 5000 times...I have letters of recommendation to show you right here (shows me a stack of letters)...I'm fully insured...Would you like to see a sample of what I do?"

This would be strange, I would take my butt to another butt o scope doctor.

I have been so guilty of this over the years. When faxing was the norm, I had this little packet I would send. It kept getting larger and larger. Lists of corporate clients, testimonials, newspaper articles, show description. I'm embarrassed of it now.

Your information should be concise. Think of brochure for a Cadillac. It's a nice 3 fold brochure with hardly any writing. And that's a fifty thousand dollar car!

My buddy Jay Alexander, a great magician nails me on this one all the time. I so appreciate his being a wall on this topic, I am grateful fifty times over for his teaching on this matter. When I'm working on a business card or mailing an email to customers or sending a confirmation letter, he looks it over and gives me the keep it simple critique.

On my web site, my tendency is to say, "I've got pages of thank you testimonials, let's put them all on, like a slide show" I got nailed on this by my web designer who kept asking "what do you want people to do when they visit your web site?"

The answer is of course book me. What I want is for the customer to call. Honestly, I don't have great return on blind email inquiries but I do very well when I can speak to people. I imagine this is probably true of everyone. An email is anonymous, so it's likely a person simply shopping for a price. A phone call is a more committed customer, they want to know what they are buying. When I can talk, they hear I'm friendly, chipper and address all their issues I book most inquiries.

That question "what do you want people to do?" Is really fundamental. I want people to remember my name. I want people to keep my card or pass it to a friend. So, my name must be big (I've seen cards where i couldn't figure out where the name was). My phone number and email and web site very clear. The design is fun, so it says "Clown" if the design is good, you can skip all those words, the same with your web site. Business cards and web sites are visual. Think of the Cadillac brochure, pictures of the sleek design, the leather interior, they don't need to say anything, it screams Cadillac.

Jay has pounded this into my thick head. What are you saying with your picture? He'll ask me. I want people to see, I'm fun, friendly and their children and guests will have a great time. I have a simple picture on my card, I think conveys this. On my web site I have a picture with two little girls that were hugging me while we posed for a photo, this is one of those pictures "worth a thousand words".

I know that's a good picture because, I've seen it used many many times on posters announcing me. People drag that particular photo off my site and put it on their own posters. So, I can tell what works very clearly.

No matter where you are in your marketing or career; Ask that question David (my web designer) asked me. What do you want people to do? Ask the question Jay asks me. What do you want this business card to say? What do you want this picture to say?

A big thanks to Jay Alexander and David Gallagher for helping me make a lot more money!

"Using Clowning To Overcome Fears!"

To be a clown is to be fearless; to appear in a clown nose and big shoes in front of people you have never met and try and make them laugh requires you to do what many people find scarier than death...stand in front of a group and perform!

Maybe not fearless...maybe foolhardy. But for whatever reason, I've done this very thing as my profession for umpteen years. And to prove I must be nuts, I've done it umpteen times for free.

I think a lot about things I'm passionate about and things I've had to overcome to become the performer that I am. Something that has come up for me time and time again is that I use clowning as a way of confronting my fears and and prejudices.

When I first started, I had a fear of the elderly. (Not so bad now, I'm a lot older!). I thought like many young people, seeing white haired people in wheelchairs was like dealing with a foriegn culture. I could hardly even relate to it.

The first time I was asked to go to an assisted living establishment, I grumbled and was scared and generally didn't want to do it. Using my clown, I do what I do and had a wonderful time and visited some wonderful folks. I have done so many visits and shows in senior centers and convalescent hospitals, I can hardly count at this point. I was able to turn my emotions into clowning. Everyone had fun.

I have had so much joy and fun with seniors, I consider myself very lucky I got over that one very early. I've had so many nice experiences with seniors over the years, thinking back, it seems so silly now.

I'll also admit, early on, I was afraid of the disabled. Mentally and physically.

Again, I have visited and done shows for disabled folks for years.

One of my all time favorite shows was for a woman in her late 30s who was menatally disabled. Her mother threw her a birthday party where I was her clown. She invited her friends from the center where she spent her days and we had a party at their house.

It was just so much fun. I love this community, They laugh with such abandon and true joy. There is such wonderful innocence, no questioning, just trust, a total freedom to love and laugh.

If I show a magic trick, I am the most amazing magician on the planet. If I say I can read your mind, it's completely believed. Just so cool for me.

I used to be afraid of sick people. Again, I have been in a lot of hospitals. I'm sure there are many kids that I met that are not with us. Not anything I want to think about but seeing them smile is fun for me.

I always remember a beautiful little girl with only one leg. She had cancer. She keept trying to poke me with her crutch, which I would pretend to get really mad at (in a clown way of course). She just had such fun messing with me with her crutch. A goofy thing for a child to do, the same as if I child had a balloon and hit me with it. This little girl, I'm sure had it up to here with people feeling sorry for her. I played with her. In the clown world, it doesn't matter if it's a crutch or a paper airplane, you just mess with the clown.

I realize how hard it is for people to see sick children but I revel in it. I just have a blast being with them, I go in and see them as children, clowns don't see "sick" just opportunities for laughs.

As I think about what I want to write, I get chances to count my blessings. Getting in the face of my fears is freeing. And, hopefully, fun for the people I've met!

"Honesty"

Are clowns honest? Or are they dishonest? Hmmmm?

Well, you can say just about anything you want as a clown and get away with it - But you cover your pretty face with grease paint and exaggerate your nose size.

You can do what your heart desires - but you are wearing over sized shoes...

It's the question that is really important to what a clown is. You have to be truly honest to yourself, you have to dig in and look at your own fears, foibles and flops and turn them around into comedy. Yet it looks like a big old joke to the world. What may be very very personal will always come off as a gag.

Yet, for a gag to work, it has to come from a very very personal place. Kind of hurts your head doesn't it?

So, I'll put myself on the dissection table for a minute to see what drives me and if I'm being true to the art of clowning. I have a fear of not belonging. I truly think there is a party going on that I wasn't invited to.

So, I go to parties a lot. And I sure make myself noticed. And I am making sure people are laughing on my terms, I'm totally in on the joke because I made the joke!

At the same time, it's pretty dishonest to want to be the life of the party by highjacking the party.

I can spot a fake laugh, a fake voice a stolen show a mile away. It just doesn't work for clowns.

I'm a great big lier telling the truth! Or maybe a truth-teller telling a lie!

"Who's Really Important On Stage?..."

When we are in front of people we think we're pretty important. And why not? There are tons of people looking at us, laughing, pointing enjoying our antics.

At varying times, we are the most important but very likely we are the least important. Now here is the really weird part, if I'm juggling and the juggling clubs are hitting my head and I'm mad at the juggling club...I'm the least important thing up on stage.

On stage, I'm the puppet master. If you watch a puppet show, you would be laughing and enjoying the puppets even though you know there is a person controlling the them. The puppets have personalities that's why we like them.

Yet, I'm the one juggling, I own the juggling clubs! The Clubs are hitting me. They're hitting the clown!

Making the choice to be the least important thing on stage is a huge comedy opportunity. Personifying my juggling equipment is just funny. The only way to personify the juggling club is to give it power over me.

Let's make a huge leap. An audience volunteer is a prop. At the same time a living breathing prop with feelings. A living breathing prop that is waiting for instructions. One of the most distasteful things I've ever seen was a magician doing a lecture and ignoring his kid volunteer and doing all the jokes to the audience with the kid standing there alone.

The same way I can get a juggling club to hit me, then get mad at it. I can also get a volunteer to do things that make them the most important THING on stage. It's as simple as trying to have a child look at the audience and not at you, so you turn their head to look forward. Bam, they will start to look at you every time you look away. They get all the power and focus during this. What do you get? Laughs! And the audience will love you! Pretty good for giving the child focus.

"Man It's Hard To Ask For Help..."

I heard once that if you look around, you have, at your fingertips something like 250 experts.

If you look at it, you have your friends and family. My brother is an engineer and has a computer company. If I needed information on computers he would know an awful lot, (in fact often too much). My best friend from kindergarten to college works for a company setting up conferences for industry. He knows a lot about the booking of hotels, hiring speakers, the organization of an event of that size etc.

I tend to try and get everything done myself, I don't think this is terribly wise, it's just the way I'm wired.

I stepped out of my comfort zone today and took a magic lesson from a friend of mine. I am an ok magician, I deal in kids magic but I know what I know, I haven't studied magic the way he has.

I tend to "think" I know a lot because I hang around magicians a lot, I buy stuff at the magic store, I perform magic but there is a much bigger world out there to explore. I needed help to improve on a demonstration I'm doing for a company. We spent an hour and a half working on things, mostly him correcting me, or working on my presentation or just saying dump that trick and do this one.

The dumb part, he's my best friend, we talk constantly but I'm embarrassed to ask for his help. Him showing me the presentation on these tricks is like me making a balloon dog for him; So easy.

There are experts in our lives, people that know an awful lot. In the case of my brother, he has colleagues that would be happy to help their friends brother, my friend that does conferences knows people all around the country that would do him favors. We have so many people at our disposal. I don't use it but I have to think what would happen if I did.

I have access to theatre people, to web designers, to doctors, to teachers, nurses, artists, police officers, of course clowns, magicians and jugglers. Doing everything myself is maybe the way I'm wired but is it best?

It's why I started this blog. I wanted to share my knowledge. What I'm getting is an expansion of my world.

"How's Your Health?"

One of the great learning experiences of my life was meeting the great Lou Jacobs when I was at Clown College.

He had a thick German accent, he was well in his 70s, he walked like a question mark and repeated himself "less spaghetti, less spaghetti" (his term for extraneous movements).

I was in his classes thinking, how does this guy take a fall? How does he run off when the ringmaster blow his whistle when the next act is starting? How does he travel across the country? Who would want to hire an ancient clown? Of course, I was pretty young and really into the falling over. Hey, everyone knows clowns fall over...

Now just to shut my mouth. Lou did a public performance in his little car. He had a mastery of the audience, the likes of which I can hardly describe.

His tiny police car races around the track, comes to a halt. (Long pause) A door flies open. (Long pause) A giant clown shoe appears. (Long pause) A leg seems to unfold from the car. (Long pause) followed by a hand. This goes on with the crowd going nuts laughing and loving it.

Here's the thing. He was funny. This "old man" had complete control of a room of hundreds and hundreds of observers.

Wasn't I the lucky one to have seen this? Yup, for many reasons.

I watched realizing, it's not how old you are. It's not that you can take a fall and pop back up. Clowning has nothing to do with any of those that, that's just a skill, clowning is not simply about skills, skills are icing on the cake. Clowning is an entire character from the inside to the outside. It's how you walk and talk, how you move, or don't move, what you think, who you voted for, why you choose to do this for a living!

I watched Mr. Lou Jacobs realizing you not only can be a clown your whole life; you get better and better the longer you do it. What you leave behind in physical ability you make up for in physical control.

In my own life, for spiritual health and physical health, I do Aikido. Aikido is a martial art with a mind body connection. it is very physical, a lot of fighting moves and a lot of rolling when you get thrown. I have learned to move purposely. The person that gave me my black belt test from Japan is in his mid 70s and is a solid piece of steal.

There might be a pattern here of teachers in their 70s. Hmmm. I'll have to think about it.

The point being, use what you have with purpose and control. You will have more control and be funnier.

"What Does Your Car Look Like?"

What does your car look like? You can do anything from adding a clown nose to the hood of your car to getting chauffeured to events in a limousine shaped like a hotdog.

it's likely you also need to use your car to go to the grocery store, take your kids to school, or drop off an old chair at the dump. If you have a really fancy car painted up, people are going to be looking at you even when you aren't in make up. Imagine taking your old cans of paint to the drop off center in your car with a top hat on the roof?

I'm not real into that, Although I can never completely stop being a clown I don't want people staring at me.

Your presentation though should start with how you arrive at an event. Your car should be clean and look good. The car is reflective of your costume. I don't assume you can afford a new car on a clown salary but you try not to have holes in your costume, or miss buttons on your shirt, wear shoes with broken laces etc.

If you are willing to sew on a button on your shirt, you should also be willing to replace the hubcap that fell off your car. If you keep your costume clean, you should put your car through a car wash. Kids see you coming down the street, they see you coming out of your car. What sort of first impression would you like to make?

Every aspect of you will register with your customer, from your costume, to your contracts, how fast you return a call, to the car you drive registers with a client. We should all be looking at everything we put out in the world, including our transportation as an extension of our show. What car or van we take to the grocery store does not matter but what we take to our shows does.

"Do You Return Your Calls Right Away?

Being organized is such a battle for me, I have put a zIllion check systems in place to make sure I don't double book myself, return calls on time and basically don't make a mess of where I'm supposed to be.

My number one concern is to return a call or email within minutes of getting them. Of course, sometimes I can't but here's why.

When I wait, I notice all sorts of little voices in my head (oh no the little voices are yelling!), telling me to avoid the person calling, they don't sound nice, they can't afford me, they are going to question my prices..." (shhhhhhh little voices!).

The quicker I return a call the less noise in my head. Plus, it's just done and not nagging me as I'm watching my umpteenth episode of the Simpsons.

And here's the really dumb secret. I return calls and emails promptly because it's polite. The voice in my head is my mother telling me to send my grandmother a letter from summer camp or a thank you for the $5 for my birthday, it's just manners.

I have booked so many jobs over the years because I was first in calling back or (this is the totally baffling one to me) the only one to return a call. That's just so odd.

I noticed a couple of years ago, there are no neat kid's entertainers.

Yes, some folks have boxes of props labeled and nice costume racks but every desk I've ever seen comes with the qualifier, "sorry about my desk, it's a mess"

There is something about the brain of a variety entertainer that seeks organization but can't quite find it. I wonder what is it about us that is such a mess?

So...what's the connection here? We are a mess. That's what makes us funny and fun to be around, chaos drives us. Folks are amazed we can make money out of mayhem.

The hard part. Rise above the chaos and return the calls, send the contract right away. The mess will be there tomorrow and the next day, the customer will find someone else!