I've been mulling this topic for years. How to deal with performers after a show and why it hurts so much when someone says the wrong thing to you.
I made a rule with my children to never put each other down, my wife or me if any of us are doing something creative. This helped. A little.
My wife is director of a chorus and works on music all the time. My sons make videos, do music.
I'm the thinnest skin of them all. I wanted to create a house where we are safe to be creative.
Years ago, I read a passage in an autobiography by Alan Alda. I checked the book out of the library, I can't even remember the name but I loved the book and I quote this section all the time to people. I should really just buy it so I can share it with people.
Alan Alda wrote about dealing with actors after a performance. He's talking about plays, but it's the same in all areas of performance. My children would make fun of each other when they were playing something on the piano. Or did a school play. It caused very hurt feelings. I think it shuts creativity down.
Alan Alda described going backstage after a play is like walking through triage in a hospital. These people are walking wounded. They are emotional wrecks.
When you don't go backstage after a show. The performer thinks. "They hated it and they are embarrassed for me" They are avoiding me.
When you go backstage and say. "Good to see you" but nothing else. The performer thinks, "They hated me, they hated the show". When you say. "You were really good" The performer thinks, "they are being nice they hated the show" When you say "good show" the performer thinks, "They hated me" etc etc etc.
There is no room for honesty or criticism. When you see someone after a show, you say. "I loved it, you were amazing. The show was incredible." That's it. You have to. That's the rule.
Here's my story. This came up a few days ago.
I threw a party for my friend Funnybone the Clown. He turned 50. He's a big man child and jokingly said, "you're my clown friend, you have to throw me a party" He was right, I had to. So I put it together.
I've been doing shows each weekend in a Speakeasy. People dress up like 1920, there is pretend gambling, 20s singers and I do my comedy magic act. It's a vaudeville style act, it's a character act and it goes really well.
So, they let me use the bar on a Sunday for my party.
I had a show for him in the middle, before the cake. I did my act and MC'd the show with a singer, magician, ventriloquist.
As people were leaving. A "friend" said, he "liked" my act but I should tip my hat differently because I'm blocking my face.
Throwing the party was a lot of stress. I was doing the act for people I know, a lot of them really well.
All I heard. "You suck you suck you suck".
I get that he was actually being helpful. And I took his note and changed the act when I did it last night. But it bummed me out. I felt like such a turd.
In fairness. I am cringing because I've done this to other performers many times. So this is one of those finger pointed forward, four fingers pointed back at myself.
The best thing. Be gushing. Let the person get criticism when they are looking for it. Most people never are, so don't bother.
I made a rule with my children to never put each other down, my wife or me if any of us are doing something creative. This helped. A little.
My wife is director of a chorus and works on music all the time. My sons make videos, do music.
I'm the thinnest skin of them all. I wanted to create a house where we are safe to be creative.
Years ago, I read a passage in an autobiography by Alan Alda. I checked the book out of the library, I can't even remember the name but I loved the book and I quote this section all the time to people. I should really just buy it so I can share it with people.
Alan Alda wrote about dealing with actors after a performance. He's talking about plays, but it's the same in all areas of performance. My children would make fun of each other when they were playing something on the piano. Or did a school play. It caused very hurt feelings. I think it shuts creativity down.
Alan Alda described going backstage after a play is like walking through triage in a hospital. These people are walking wounded. They are emotional wrecks.
When you don't go backstage after a show. The performer thinks. "They hated it and they are embarrassed for me" They are avoiding me.
When you go backstage and say. "Good to see you" but nothing else. The performer thinks, "They hated me, they hated the show". When you say. "You were really good" The performer thinks, "they are being nice they hated the show" When you say "good show" the performer thinks, "They hated me" etc etc etc.
There is no room for honesty or criticism. When you see someone after a show, you say. "I loved it, you were amazing. The show was incredible." That's it. You have to. That's the rule.
Here's my story. This came up a few days ago.
I threw a party for my friend Funnybone the Clown. He turned 50. He's a big man child and jokingly said, "you're my clown friend, you have to throw me a party" He was right, I had to. So I put it together.
I've been doing shows each weekend in a Speakeasy. People dress up like 1920, there is pretend gambling, 20s singers and I do my comedy magic act. It's a vaudeville style act, it's a character act and it goes really well.
So, they let me use the bar on a Sunday for my party.
I had a show for him in the middle, before the cake. I did my act and MC'd the show with a singer, magician, ventriloquist.
As people were leaving. A "friend" said, he "liked" my act but I should tip my hat differently because I'm blocking my face.
Throwing the party was a lot of stress. I was doing the act for people I know, a lot of them really well.
All I heard. "You suck you suck you suck".
I get that he was actually being helpful. And I took his note and changed the act when I did it last night. But it bummed me out. I felt like such a turd.
In fairness. I am cringing because I've done this to other performers many times. So this is one of those finger pointed forward, four fingers pointed back at myself.
The best thing. Be gushing. Let the person get criticism when they are looking for it. Most people never are, so don't bother.
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