"You Do What? For a Living?"

I'm still battling with the why I do what I do.

I mean seriously, devout a whole life to being a clown? It just sounds so odd on paper.

But I have to examine my life's focus. Other than being the best father and husband I can be, I devout enough brain power to light a small city outside Seattle to thoughts on clowning.

I think about entrances, exits, transitions in routines. I chat to friends about the state of affairs in our business. I brainstorm ideas for promotional material. I sit and write jokes about feet. Or noses or variations on canibals and clowns.

It drives me crazy because, if I stop for a minute, there is no good reason.

I grapple a lot with whether I'm an artist or not. Generally, I hate the term. To me artists (and please this is only in my head and not true whatsoever!) are lazy, looking for government grants, drink a lot, pretentious, talk about themselves (hey, I might be guilty of that!).

My dad is an art dealer. My entire life, I've related works of art to money. I've also held an artist to an incredibly high standard. Hearing about Picasso and Dali as a child, I was naturally lead to dismiss anything lower.

This is my own problem and makes me who I am but it also peppers my relation to being a clown. I just tend to think of myself as a guy trying to make a living. I feel like I fell into the art of clowning by accident.

But then I dissect it. Did I really fall into it? I fell in love with clowning in college, finding acting "ok" but really liking mime and clown classes. My greatest escape is to sometimes teach or be in a clown class. I just find the pure indulgence of a class challenging and fun.

Falling into touring with Ringling Brothers? It feels that way in my dinosaur brain but it was a lot of focused work, not very many people on earth have had the experiences I've had.

On the real side though. I struggle all the time to make ends meet. I can't take my family on a vacation on an airplane, we simply can't afford it. My children will go to college but will do with grants and borrowing.

I hate that part and it makes me sad.

People often say they admire what I do, I work for myself, I do what I love. I tend to think I don't have a lot of choice, I honestly wish I were this drawn to investment banking.