There's Trouble Out The Portholes...

Let's just say I'm having some eye issues.

You may ask but I don't want to go into the gory details.

Well if you insist.  Basically my eyes get scratched very easily and it hurts like a $%^ when it happens.  And it always happens when I'm asleep and my eyes move.

So after being passed from eye doctor to eye doctor.  They figured out the problem.

The treatment is annoying and well.  Painful.

Essentially buffing my eyeballs.





Are you still with me.

As I sat in my self imposed prison cell wondering how my life turned out this way.  (my bedroom was darkened.  I couldn't look at a TV, computer, phone because the light hurt.  I ran out of podcasts.  My dog lay next to me.)

Why me why me why me.

As I waited for St. Peter to call me.  I had to recover enough for a show.

And for all my complaining and feeling sorry for myself and hating the medical profession.  It feels so good to make people laugh.

it's what I do.  I'm good at it and it's what I live for.

Adrenaline will get you through anything.  i was able to keep my eyes open and my mouth moving.  It goes up and down and what comes out is pretty outrageous.

Then I return to my little prison cell.  Dog on my lap and an ice pack on my eyes.

Do you think they have open mic nights in heaven?  I'll keep working on my act. 

The Problem With Santa...

I have mixed feelings about being Santa.

I bring a wealth of performing experience to being Santa.  I bring him to life.  I have removed sarcasm, cynicism from my diet.

When I'm Santa.

You would not believe it that underneath all of this is Boswick the clown.

Because I've been a performer for so long. I can read situations, body language.  I can improvise, I can make people laugh.

Mostly it's a lot of fun.

I did one event for a senior center this year.  I wanted to cry when I looked around and saw what I was bringing.  I'm not very present to what I bring, as a performer.  I'm working so hard to do comedy and stay focused.  With Santa, I realized, I am covered by beard, I can look around and see what's happening.

Some seniors were crying.  Not our of sadness but memory.  I could feel it.  They were reliving the may Christmases they had with their husbands, their children.  And here they were.  Who imagines themselves in assisted living one day.

There really is a a magic to Santa.  To make a senior smile like they are 7 years old is really something.

On the other side...I see families in stress.

Mostly I see families at birthday parties most of the year.  People are so happy at their child's party.

At Christmas, people are snippy, sometimes angry, they drink too much.

I don't like this side.  As a person, I really don't like conflict, I don't like families fighting.  When I was young, there was a lot of fighting.  When my parents divorced, it was quiet.  Very quiet.

I get sent out a lot as a prop.  Companies want Santa, so you interact for hours at a time.  It's pretty limiting.  On the other side you visit people that time forgets.  Seniors, sick children, poor children.

And middle class.  And incredibly wealthy.

The highs and lows.

My favorite was the last.  All adults, men married to men, women married to women and just happy to be together.  We sang, I read the night before Christmas and handed out presents.  Families are fun. Families that are created are super special.  No fighting.  Just love.

And two funny looking dogs.

It was the best. 

The Show That Was...

I'm not very good at tooting my own horn. Well a little.

But I have to say, my show each year lets me toot away.

That just sounded like a fart joke.  Which it sort of is.

toot.

Some of the things I am happy with about my show.  I ended up doing a 90 minute kids show.  That's really pretty remarkable for one person to keep the attention of an audience for that long.  Let alone have enough material.  Not only did I have enough material, I could have done more, there were routines I skipped.

Toot.

I found a new opening for my show which made me really happy.  I came running on with my clown shirt, bow tie, clown shoes and a robe.  I welcomed everyone and said it's been such a mad house with Christmas I knew I forgot something.  I took off the robe and I was in my giant boxers.

Trying to put on your pants in front of kids is just so funny.  I dropped my pants over and over.  I really liked that.  In the past, I have gone through a whole gyration of getting dressed.  This was just pants and underwear, that's what I wanted.

Toot

One thing that I do and do really well.  I interview kids.  It's a skill I've honed over the years.  How to get the kids warmed up then let them answer questions.  I brought along my sound system and used it with my microphone to let kids talk.  It was really funny.  When one kid said his dad sold Oxygen.  That was the best.  I was able to reference that for the rest of the show.  Because selling air is just funny.

Toot

I've always wanted to have a TV show, Kid's Say the Darndest Things.  But you know, not having a whole lot of luck selling shows.

The set looked great.  The theatre was beautiful and my sons did a great job helping me with the show.  (they run lights, run the light board, go through the light cues with me, run box office, move my props)

Toot

I broke even.  I made something like $45.  My sons each made a few hundred each.  I would have to hire someone anyway.  I'm glad they make money.

Toot

Here are the things that kill me.  Like other years, I offer my show as a fundraiser to schools.  I only had 7 people take advantage of that.  It irritates me.

I had a hard time this year getting audience.  The longer I'm a clown, the less people want to see me.  I did the press release.  Just hard to get people out.

It's fun to do what I do.  And I'm going to say, I'm really good at it.  I also realized, if I could narrow down what I want to be doing.  It's theatre shows with families laughing.  I would love to work on this show for 5 shows a week for a month and get the timing down and how to get more laughs.

I now have a fear that one day I'm going to find my success and I'm going to be too old to fall off of a chair.

tooooooot.  

Is this the end...

What a silly life I've had...

Performing, making people laugh, waiting waiting for the phone to ring.  For Spielberg to call.  He never has.

Apparently I'm old.  I don't feel old.  I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with what I see but it just looks like me.

I'm still struggling.  I'm creating and I'm, sort of, famous and yet. I can't make a go.

I've been repairing phones for a big chunk of last year.  I'm not very good at it.  I sometimes mess things up.  Tiny screws, bad eyes.

It's extra money.  It's on my schedule.

I was turned down yesterday for a loan, the second time this has happened.  This is a really easy loan to get, it's against my house.  But I owe far too much money and make very little.  We survive because of my wife.

I was explaining to my son my economy the other day.  I charged more and made more money in 1999, than I do now.  I was charging around $300 for one of my shows and mostly getting it.  I was also pretty busy.  People liked clowns.

I'm now mostly getting around $225 to $250 for a show.  The going rate has dropped.  And I'm defending clowns all the time now.

I have a lot of skills as a performer, a teacher. I have huge knowledge of children't behavior, what makes them laugh.  I can look at people's acts and make their act twice as funny.

I have a whole lot of knowledge that's worth very little money.

Here's the reality of being a children's entertainer.  It's a really tough way to make a living.

If I were advising someone, I would say, part time.  It's really fun but don't do try and make a living.

And here's the rub.  You can only become good when you put everything on the line. When you put everything on the line, you get hit by traffic.

Here's the predictable part.  I'll keep doing what I do, because it's so fun.  I'll keep coming up just short of my bills.  For the next little bit, no movies, no eating out, no car washes, no new phones.  I'll just keep clowning.  Because that's what I do. 

The New Year...Now What? Resolutions Shesolutions...

Have a New Years Resolution?

I don't.  I never do, my entire life is a big resolution.  Do more, do better, stop eating all the time.

I am so lucky I am not predisposed toward fat.  Everyday I say, only fruit and vegetables.  Then I find cookies, candy, chocolate milk powder, Honey Nut Cheerios.

I do this starting at 2 in the afternoon.

My New Years Resolution.  Eat breakfast, maybe then I won't be a pig.

My friend Jay says, make a list do the hardest 3 on the list, the rest take care of themselves.

It's a good resolution.  I am applying for a loan.  I just don't want to do it.  I forced myself today and got nearly everything sent to the loan officer.  That's cool.

The second.  Write.  This blog weighs heavily on my mind.  So check, I'm doing it.  Hey this is meta.
I'm lying though, I put on all the other stuff that I do everyday.  I made my bed, made coffee for tomorrow, did the dishes.

My resolution. 1 thing a day I've been putting off.  Like starting taxes.  Nah, I'll wait...

Really Am I That Old...

There's a nice optical illusion when you're onstage;  you look much younger.

I have a high energy, I'm silly, I talk a little fast, my voice (I hear this a lot) sounds younger than I am.

I did a great stand up show the other night.  It was using more of my stand up comedy skills.  It was a party for a young man of 10.  He is severely handicapped.  He can hardly speak, lives in a wheel chair, may not be able to feed himself.

The theme was a carnival.  The mother was very sweet.  She is single and obviously this young man means everything to her.  She, luckily, had a nice family structure to support her.

At the end, when I was taking a picture with Jayden, I was touched by how sweet the whole experience was.

(I always make sure and get one shot of me and the birthday child.  No matter what.  It would have been very easy to say goodbye in this instance.  he was asleep.  But you know what?  I create memories.  I always ignore that nagging voice in my head that says, you don't need to do this.  I just take a picture).

I was the star attraction of this event.  This happens to me a lot, I walk into a situation, I am shocked that I'm put on a stage and entertain the crowd.  Luckily, I kill.  I'm really funny.

There was one woman I was picking on in the center of the room.  Her cousins were all there, they kept trying to push her on stage as I did my show with the children.  (My show works on both levels.  I do comedy for the adults and physical stuff for the kids at the same time).

When I was running around at the end. I went to her to do the kiss me on the cheek bit.  She was sort of not that fun at this point, even though her cousins were.

I took off my hat, she said, ewww you're old.

And I actually felt bad.

I broke the illusion of stage performer.  Plus, I don't feel old.  I just feel like myself.

This has been sitting with me a lot.

Eww you're old.

My time has passsed me by.  All I've learned, All the comedy I can do with just a look.  It's all wasted because...Ewww you're old.

I'm an old clown.  Wow. Sort of snuck up on me.