The Problem With Santa...

I have mixed feelings about being Santa.

I bring a wealth of performing experience to being Santa.  I bring him to life.  I have removed sarcasm, cynicism from my diet.

When I'm Santa.

You would not believe it that underneath all of this is Boswick the clown.

Because I've been a performer for so long. I can read situations, body language.  I can improvise, I can make people laugh.

Mostly it's a lot of fun.

I did one event for a senior center this year.  I wanted to cry when I looked around and saw what I was bringing.  I'm not very present to what I bring, as a performer.  I'm working so hard to do comedy and stay focused.  With Santa, I realized, I am covered by beard, I can look around and see what's happening.

Some seniors were crying.  Not our of sadness but memory.  I could feel it.  They were reliving the may Christmases they had with their husbands, their children.  And here they were.  Who imagines themselves in assisted living one day.

There really is a a magic to Santa.  To make a senior smile like they are 7 years old is really something.

On the other side...I see families in stress.

Mostly I see families at birthday parties most of the year.  People are so happy at their child's party.

At Christmas, people are snippy, sometimes angry, they drink too much.

I don't like this side.  As a person, I really don't like conflict, I don't like families fighting.  When I was young, there was a lot of fighting.  When my parents divorced, it was quiet.  Very quiet.

I get sent out a lot as a prop.  Companies want Santa, so you interact for hours at a time.  It's pretty limiting.  On the other side you visit people that time forgets.  Seniors, sick children, poor children.

And middle class.  And incredibly wealthy.

The highs and lows.

My favorite was the last.  All adults, men married to men, women married to women and just happy to be together.  We sang, I read the night before Christmas and handed out presents.  Families are fun. Families that are created are super special.  No fighting.  Just love.

And two funny looking dogs.

It was the best. 

The Show That Was...

I'm not very good at tooting my own horn. Well a little.

But I have to say, my show each year lets me toot away.

That just sounded like a fart joke.  Which it sort of is.

toot.

Some of the things I am happy with about my show.  I ended up doing a 90 minute kids show.  That's really pretty remarkable for one person to keep the attention of an audience for that long.  Let alone have enough material.  Not only did I have enough material, I could have done more, there were routines I skipped.

Toot.

I found a new opening for my show which made me really happy.  I came running on with my clown shirt, bow tie, clown shoes and a robe.  I welcomed everyone and said it's been such a mad house with Christmas I knew I forgot something.  I took off the robe and I was in my giant boxers.

Trying to put on your pants in front of kids is just so funny.  I dropped my pants over and over.  I really liked that.  In the past, I have gone through a whole gyration of getting dressed.  This was just pants and underwear, that's what I wanted.

Toot

One thing that I do and do really well.  I interview kids.  It's a skill I've honed over the years.  How to get the kids warmed up then let them answer questions.  I brought along my sound system and used it with my microphone to let kids talk.  It was really funny.  When one kid said his dad sold Oxygen.  That was the best.  I was able to reference that for the rest of the show.  Because selling air is just funny.

Toot

I've always wanted to have a TV show, Kid's Say the Darndest Things.  But you know, not having a whole lot of luck selling shows.

The set looked great.  The theatre was beautiful and my sons did a great job helping me with the show.  (they run lights, run the light board, go through the light cues with me, run box office, move my props)

Toot

I broke even.  I made something like $45.  My sons each made a few hundred each.  I would have to hire someone anyway.  I'm glad they make money.

Toot

Here are the things that kill me.  Like other years, I offer my show as a fundraiser to schools.  I only had 7 people take advantage of that.  It irritates me.

I had a hard time this year getting audience.  The longer I'm a clown, the less people want to see me.  I did the press release.  Just hard to get people out.

It's fun to do what I do.  And I'm going to say, I'm really good at it.  I also realized, if I could narrow down what I want to be doing.  It's theatre shows with families laughing.  I would love to work on this show for 5 shows a week for a month and get the timing down and how to get more laughs.

I now have a fear that one day I'm going to find my success and I'm going to be too old to fall off of a chair.

tooooooot.  

Is this the end...

What a silly life I've had...

Performing, making people laugh, waiting waiting for the phone to ring.  For Spielberg to call.  He never has.

Apparently I'm old.  I don't feel old.  I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with what I see but it just looks like me.

I'm still struggling.  I'm creating and I'm, sort of, famous and yet. I can't make a go.

I've been repairing phones for a big chunk of last year.  I'm not very good at it.  I sometimes mess things up.  Tiny screws, bad eyes.

It's extra money.  It's on my schedule.

I was turned down yesterday for a loan, the second time this has happened.  This is a really easy loan to get, it's against my house.  But I owe far too much money and make very little.  We survive because of my wife.

I was explaining to my son my economy the other day.  I charged more and made more money in 1999, than I do now.  I was charging around $300 for one of my shows and mostly getting it.  I was also pretty busy.  People liked clowns.

I'm now mostly getting around $225 to $250 for a show.  The going rate has dropped.  And I'm defending clowns all the time now.

I have a lot of skills as a performer, a teacher. I have huge knowledge of children't behavior, what makes them laugh.  I can look at people's acts and make their act twice as funny.

I have a whole lot of knowledge that's worth very little money.

Here's the reality of being a children's entertainer.  It's a really tough way to make a living.

If I were advising someone, I would say, part time.  It's really fun but don't do try and make a living.

And here's the rub.  You can only become good when you put everything on the line. When you put everything on the line, you get hit by traffic.

Here's the predictable part.  I'll keep doing what I do, because it's so fun.  I'll keep coming up just short of my bills.  For the next little bit, no movies, no eating out, no car washes, no new phones.  I'll just keep clowning.  Because that's what I do. 

The New Year...Now What? Resolutions Shesolutions...

Have a New Years Resolution?

I don't.  I never do, my entire life is a big resolution.  Do more, do better, stop eating all the time.

I am so lucky I am not predisposed toward fat.  Everyday I say, only fruit and vegetables.  Then I find cookies, candy, chocolate milk powder, Honey Nut Cheerios.

I do this starting at 2 in the afternoon.

My New Years Resolution.  Eat breakfast, maybe then I won't be a pig.

My friend Jay says, make a list do the hardest 3 on the list, the rest take care of themselves.

It's a good resolution.  I am applying for a loan.  I just don't want to do it.  I forced myself today and got nearly everything sent to the loan officer.  That's cool.

The second.  Write.  This blog weighs heavily on my mind.  So check, I'm doing it.  Hey this is meta.
I'm lying though, I put on all the other stuff that I do everyday.  I made my bed, made coffee for tomorrow, did the dishes.

My resolution. 1 thing a day I've been putting off.  Like starting taxes.  Nah, I'll wait...

Really Am I That Old...

There's a nice optical illusion when you're onstage;  you look much younger.

I have a high energy, I'm silly, I talk a little fast, my voice (I hear this a lot) sounds younger than I am.

I did a great stand up show the other night.  It was using more of my stand up comedy skills.  It was a party for a young man of 10.  He is severely handicapped.  He can hardly speak, lives in a wheel chair, may not be able to feed himself.

The theme was a carnival.  The mother was very sweet.  She is single and obviously this young man means everything to her.  She, luckily, had a nice family structure to support her.

At the end, when I was taking a picture with Jayden, I was touched by how sweet the whole experience was.

(I always make sure and get one shot of me and the birthday child.  No matter what.  It would have been very easy to say goodbye in this instance.  he was asleep.  But you know what?  I create memories.  I always ignore that nagging voice in my head that says, you don't need to do this.  I just take a picture).

I was the star attraction of this event.  This happens to me a lot, I walk into a situation, I am shocked that I'm put on a stage and entertain the crowd.  Luckily, I kill.  I'm really funny.

There was one woman I was picking on in the center of the room.  Her cousins were all there, they kept trying to push her on stage as I did my show with the children.  (My show works on both levels.  I do comedy for the adults and physical stuff for the kids at the same time).

When I was running around at the end. I went to her to do the kiss me on the cheek bit.  She was sort of not that fun at this point, even though her cousins were.

I took off my hat, she said, ewww you're old.

And I actually felt bad.

I broke the illusion of stage performer.  Plus, I don't feel old.  I just feel like myself.

This has been sitting with me a lot.

Eww you're old.

My time has passsed me by.  All I've learned, All the comedy I can do with just a look.  It's all wasted because...Ewww you're old.

I'm an old clown.  Wow. Sort of snuck up on me.

Putting On My Theatre Show...

For those that love me, those that tolerate me and all others, it's time for my theatre show...

Every year right after Christmas, I rent a theatre and do a new show.

Why?

Because, I'm a theatre performer, that's how I started, being in a theatre is like being in a church to me.  I love being there, I'm at peace.

Doing a theatre show is also a huge challenge.  It's scary, will I get an audience?  Will it come together?  Will I bomb?  Will I lose money?  So far I've broken even every year.  I hire my two sons to do tech for the show.  They make more money than me.  But I like that, I get to be with them.

If you've wondered how to do a theatre show, I'll let you know what I'm doing right now.

I rented a theatre. This is a theatre I have a relationship with. He's charging me less than standard rate because he knows me and I'm doing shows at 11am.  Theatre's make money at 8 at night.  I'm paying $175 per show.  This is about half rate of normal.  Life's expensive what can I say. This theatre seats about 60.

I pay $50 to each person helping me.  I need someone at the front door selling tickets and opening the door before showtime.  I need someone running lights and sound.

There's no storage in the theatre so I have to pay for parking nearby. Because this is San Francisco, parking will be $20 to $25 for the 4 hours I'm there.  Yup.  big city living.

My set is a red dresser, ladders, a yellow picket fence and a chair.  I'll probably have a table for my classic 8 nights of channukah song.  (it's original)

I put my show on a ticketing service.  I use Brown Paper Tickets, they are large and pretty easy to deal with.  It's a lot of complicated work.  I've done this for many years, I still can't figure out their web site.

You need a web page people can go to.

Write up a press release announcing to the papers, radio stations, family web sites there's a show in town.

Write an email to your former customers.  I offer half price to my customers, this is where I get most of my audience.

In the middle of all this I need to pick music for each routine.  Create an order to the whole thing.  Figure out my theme.  (I think it's going to be magic.  This is only for me, it drives me in creating.  Other years it's been whimsy, water, flight).

I also offer my show as a fundraiser for schools.  We split the door sales.  It's ok, I get about 20 or 30 people this way and it's a nice way to help.

Every year I wonder why I do it.

I realized this year, I live life in uncomfort.  This is where I feel alive.  Creating a show from nothing makes me sleep 3 hours a night and makes me feel alive.  My two sons make money and after it's done, I have a little self superiority.  It's pretty cool that I can do what very few children's entertainers can.  I create a one hour show that keeps kids and their parents laughing.

Be prepared for the worst...

Had a very unruly 4 year old at a birthday party.  The parents found it very cute that he was tearing up grass and throwing it at me, which the other children followed.

So, I did the grass dance and tricked the kids into putting down their handfuls of grass.  Remember, distraction is amazingly powerful for small ones.  You can start a story.  (very quietly) "Once there was a clown...).  All the children will stop and stare.

Or (Loudly).  "Everyone open your hands...shut them...open them...shut them"  and return to your show.

My 4 year old had too much coffee and no one stepping in.  Oh well.  I could control the group but not the birthday child.  I never want to make the birthday child or their parents feel bad, so I just live with it.

In the middle of the show, I squatted down to get him from running into my table, I split my pants.

Luckily, my balloon animal stayed in my underwear.

Luckily, I have a sewing kit in my car.  Do you?  Can you do basic repair?  It doesn't have to be neat, you can deal with that later.  Basic sewing is very simple.

I steal the little sewing kits from hotels.  I haven't used one in many years.  But it was in my car,  I threw it in the glove box many years ago.

It was awkward to sew the crotch of my pants while sitting in the car.  But it worked.  Went to the next show and no salt shaker peaking out.

Put a little sewing kit, safety pin, $20, make up remover, under your seat.  You never know.

You never know