Designing A Routine...With Me As The Guinee Pig... Part 1

For the last two and a half years I've been performing in a very elaborate immersive theatrical show called The Speakeasy. 

I play...Bosley The Magnificent.  A ne'er do well drunk magician that gets in lots of trouble.  you may notice the resemblance to my name Boswick...Bosley.  Get it. 

I have a number of stage routines I do in our cabaret. 

The show is going through a rewrite and Nick (the creator of the show) has me doing some other routines as he cuts actors.  At our high point we had 38 actors.  We are a mere 25 now. 

So he said for my new contract.  I can do my magic act, we'll expand it a bit to cover time, And he said, you do a juggling act. 

Now. I'm a good juggler.  By clown standards I'm good.  By juggler standards, I'm a beginner.  mediocre at best.

The question in my lap.  How do I create a 5 to 6 minute silent juggling routine?

I watched a few vaudeville comedy jugglers on youtube.  But I realized I can cobble together a few vaudeville routines using my strength as a clown and mediocre juggler.  Just doing one or two tricks but leading up to these tricks in a huge comic way. 

I did a very large show in Chinatown the other day for a group of about 200 plus kids and their families.  The timing was off, they had me waiting in a back banquet room for about 45 minutes.  So I started playing with comic movements.  There was a mirror for decoration I could play into. 

Using this blog.  I'm going to map out this routine and the progress or lack there of in writing.  I've been avoiding rehearsing.  Because that's more natural than actually rehearsing. 

On paper this is what I have.

Enter with cane.  Do some physical bits with cane ala Charlie Chaplin.

Do a hat trick.  Notice the audience likes it build to a fancier one.  Do a series.  The drummer in the band get ahead of me, I get mad at the drummer. 

List of hat tricks.
-flip to head
-high flip to head
-roll down back
-roll down arm
-hat balanced on top of cane, pull cane away hat lands on head
balance hat on nose
wipe sweat with arm, notice hat is gone grab hat in teeth flip it to head
flip hat to hand fully stretched up, let fall to low hand.

Tricks, I'd like to put in. 
flip hat from foot to head
throw hat to coat rack. 

These are tricks I can do but not consistently.

Here's what's happening in my head as i picture the combination. 

Speed of these tricks, how do they blend together so I can repeat but not right after each other. 

So. Enter stage. take a bow.  twirl cane.  hang up cane.  roll hat down arm, flip on head, roll down back.  start to walk off.  Elicit  audience to start applauding.  Enjoy, then do the same routine adding another element.  Then do a whole fast hat routine ending with a hat on top of a cane on my chin.  pull hat away, hat lands on head. 

This is part 1.  I'll try this tomorrow between gigs.  in the morning I am Santa, in the afternoon I have a show in a school.  The school will be a nice place to try this new routine.  The kids don't really notice if i mess up, they think it's funny and since I am in character, I'll have fun with it.  

Getting More Laughs with the Same Joke...

There are ways of doing the same joke over and over and getting more laughs.  

Or put another way. 

There are ways of doing the same joke over and over and getting more laughs.  

Or said another way. 

There are ways of doing the same joke over and over and getting more laughs.  

From my show, I juggle clubs.  I juggle then out of the blue hit myself in the head with a blue juggling club and stop and look at the club.  The joke is that I hit myself with the juggling club.  I can do the same joke 3 or 4 times but then have to switch it up.

So I put the club in my left hand and it hits me without juggling. Then all the clubs hit me.

Then I try and ignore the juggling club and it randomly hits me each time I try and speak.

The joke is an inanimate object is hitting me.  I just have to use my imagination to find ways of doing the same joke in different ways.

Letting a balloon fly around a balloon is funny and is a strong laugh.  There are ways of doing that same joke in different ways.

-simply letting the balloon go

-handing it to someone and it flies away

-tying a balloon wrong and it flies away

-breaking a balloon and it flies away

-tying the top of the balloon then snapping off the nozzle and letting it fly away

-pretending you have a bow and arrow and loading the balloon into the mime bow and shooting it but letting it fly

-tie the balloon sit down tired and let the balloon fly why you sit down

-tie the balloon buy you hear your name called you turn that direction and let the balloon fly

This is an old promo picture but I love it. 

 Or said another way. 

There are ways of doing the same joke over and over and getting more laughs.  


The joke is letting the balloon go but the clowning part is the repetition.  The repetition can be repeated after the first mistake but only 2 or 3 times then you have to mix it up so it looks like a new joke.  You can return to the original just letting the balloon go if you put character on it and let the balloon fly.

This is a method I use often with great success.  I have two scarves and have the children each hold a scarf for me.  I can mix it up in a hundred ways.  I name the color wrong.  I call the children by opposite names.  I call the scarves the same color (this one is red, this one is red.  I mean this one is white and this one is white..) I call the children the same name (suzie hold the red, suzie hold the red...).  I can mix up my left and write.  I can call the children by my name.

It's the same joke.  I am just having the children hold two scarves.  You could do this with ropes, balloons, scarves, juggling balls.

Be confident as you do the joke.  The more certain you are the more laughs you'll get.

If you need help with your jokes, let me know.

Or said another way. 

There are ways of doing the same joke over and over and getting more laughs.  

Doing More With The Balloon...

I was doing a gig the other day I saw a ferry princess do a bunch of comedy with a balloon. 

It's Christmas time so she was calling her balloon a reindeer.  It wasn't that great a balloon but I was very impressed with the comedy she was doing.  

Go back to the basics of the balloon.  Why is it so magical?  

  -people don't see them very often

  -they are brightly colored

  -they are long and skinny, this is just strange looking. 

  -a balloon goes quickly from a long skinny balloon to a dog nearly instantly.  That's magic

  -they stretch really far

  -they pop

  -if you don't tie them they fly all around the room

  -if you throw them they sort of float

When you are making kids laugh it's often imagination.  What I liked about the Ferry Princess, she took a balloon and called it a reindeer by taking out her pump and laying it across the nozzle like the balloon were the ears of the reindeer.  I was very impressed. 

Here is a little hint with improv.  What the Ferry Princess did, she told the kid what she was going to be makign up front.  This allows so much more.  I'm making a reindeer...

  -oh sorry it's still an egg (if you roll up the balloon a little) it's funny because it makes you think about an egg... a mammal. It reveals the balloon. 

  -blow up the balloon let it fly.  "I guess it heard Santa call and went flying that way"

  -snap it as you stretch.  "That's Santa telling the reindeer to hurry Christmas is here"  or Ouch it thinks I'm stealing presents..."

- make the farting noise. "Excuse me, eggnog does that to me"

-get the balloon stuck on your finger.  "It's biting, it's biting"  or "it thinks my finger is a carrot, get it off get it off"  

Jokes work within your character.  Fart jokes work for me because of the type of character I am, if you are a gentle character you can try and talk to the balloon and tell the balloon to be nice to the children.  If you're silly, there are many ways of accidentally

letting the balloon fly around the room. It's funny if it takes you by surprise. 

Let me know if you need to brainstorm.  

MyTruth About Real Bearded Santas...Meh

Most of my Santa gigs are through agents and I hear over and over.  "You get paid less because the agents (or family) really wants a real bearded Santa.

I don't know where this came from most real bearded Santas look scruffy.  I love the look of the big fluffy cottony white beard, mustache and hair.  It totally matches the old image of the traditional Coca Cola Santa. Which is where this whole Santa thing came from in the first place.

You may not have realized it but Christmas is a marketing scheme.  Santa is shill for imperialist dogs to keep us buying stuff.

But it's cute to have kids hug me.

I was in a mall the other day a kid walked by and said..."That's the real Santa.  Mommy he's the real Santa"  Because you know, I'm a real performer that takes the look, feel, the way I hold my body as a character.  The character happens to be Santa.

I had another lady that sat on my lap at a party at a real estate office look at me from one inch away and say..."You really are Santa..."  Yup I am.

There are some great real beard Santas but my rant is hiring some old guy that isn't a performer to perform just because he has a beard is lame.  I see a lot of Santas.  Create a physicality.  Go to a beard groomer get your beard properly groomed, dye your eyebrows. And remember Santa never stops smiling.

Be better Santas.  

Santa and The Screaming Child...

It's that time of year and I'm taking lots of photos with kids.  I'm Santa

From my point of view I see a lot of very excited children and a lot that look at me and when their parents approach they start screaming and scrambling to keep their distance.

Your hear over and over "Children cry when they see Santa"  Or "It's the big beard"  Or the one I hate, "It's not the real Santa, it's someone dressed up..."  Ugh.  I'm very real. In the moment, I'd need gunshots ringing out to break character.

I had a revelation the other day.

Children aren't afraid.  They are overwhelmed.

Who is the person children start hearing about from the time they are babies?  Santa and grandma and grandpa.

Children probably see grandma and grandpa fairly often but it's a big deal to see these give away people.

Now Santa is on TV, ornaments on the tree, on cartoons, on pajamas, everyone is talking about Santa.

So when you get close, it's just too much.

The children that are afraid and scream are consistently around 2 to 3. They happily come up to me at 4 and up.  I think by 4 there is a lot in a child's life.  They've got school, they go to Disneyland, they see Toy Story on Ice so meeting a character come to life is not quite so huge. Plus Santa is up close.

I don't take the screaming children too seriously.  The cute thing is as they walk away, they wave to me.  What I'm present to is how I get to bring people together. I make people smile, I might make them laugh.  It's actually magical. 

What Is Your Goal Boswick?

I've been going through a life's crisis for

About 45 years....

I keep waiting to become famous.  And waiting and waiting.

In my thoughts last night, I was thinking about how much energy I put into the show/play I'm in The Speakeasy (http://www.thespeakeasysf.com check it out clowns ).  I have spent my life obsessing about my own performance.  My performance in circuses, in doing a commercial, filming my video blogs.  Writing.

I have put almost all my emotional energy completely into The Speakeasy.

We are coming up on two years.  And I'm wondering, what exactly is my goal. You know as a clown.

I dug out a book I had been working on Snotty Comebacks for kids.  I find it incredibly funny.  I began reading them and rewriting them. Then working on more jokes.

If I were to get this published my goal would be to become a character like Lemony Snicket. (A Series of Unfortunate Events).

My son and I went to see Davis Sedaris on Tuesday night. I loved it.  I could see how he managed the audience the interactions and how he read his stories and took questions from the audience.  Not only an incredible writer but adept and making each moment seem special to the audience of 2500.

It's a skill I have on stage.  It's the joking skill.

I'm lucky enough to have met Lemony Snicket.  He lives in San Francisco with his kids.  My kids used to go see him when they were little do talks.

Me and Lemony Snicket!

I'm writing and thinking. This is what I want to do/be.

I'd like to be the king of snotty comebacks.  To create a character for stage that talks to large groups.

Hmmm.

More to come.

My New Artist Friend...

My dad is an art dealer.

My dad circa 1985

Not a very good one or I wouldn't have a 2008 Toyota Yaris...I'd have a 2010 Yaris.

My sense of being an artist is way screwed up by my upbringing.  When I'm called an artist I have a fake smile and say thank you.

Art to me is about being better than others.  Knowing something others don't know, judging what's hanging on someone else's walls.

I don't like art galleries.  I don't like museums.  The thought of going into them makes my intestines. clench.

Yet, I love art.

When my kids were little I would go on the field trips and listen with rapt attention as the docents asked the children questions.  I chimed in all the time. (because I'm just excited to be asked my opinion)

Once I was inside the museum it was wonderful.  I love staring at a piece of art.  There is a piece in The San Francisco De Young Fine Arts Museum I couldn't break away from in the California collection.  It was art from the late 1800's from areas I grew up before they were suburbs.  I love it.  I want to steal it.

But the thought of going back in; once again the clench.

In the early 1970s my dad partnered up with other scoundrels and invested in artists doing etchings.  I was very young and I was dragged to fancy dinners.  Part of the deal of the printing was my dad got to own a few prints for himself.  He even had the artists dedicate some to me and my brothers.

There was one that hung at the foot of my bed.  My entire young life.

A piece by James Torlakson. An amazing water color of a jackknifed truck that had crashed on the interstate.  So realistic.  It looks like a photo from a distance.  When you come close you realize it's drawn.

I stared at that.

I have the painting.  My wife put it in a closet.  It's a very modern piece of art.

I met with Jim yesterday.  He had looked my dad up and ended up finding me.  He lives 20 minutes away.

I had a lot to deal with.  A lot to take in.

The idea that my dad had helped a young artist and changed his life.  That's quite something.  I hadn't thought about it but he took a big risk on Jim.

At the time, Jim was in his mid 20s.  It also turns out, the process for making the lithograph was incredibly complex and had never been done before.  I don't understand but Jim explained it to me.  My dad believed in him and spent a bunch of money for this to happen.

It's a puzzle to find out about your parents.  It's quite a journey to not look at them not as your parents.

Jim showed me his art.  His art studio.  His collections.  His toy collections.  His fascination with clowns (why he got in touch with me).

And we talked
And talked
And talked.

It turns out I may be an artist after all.

Jim talked about the gift we've been given.  I never see what I do as a gift, closer to a curse because I have no choice in this.  I have to perform or I die.  I feel that clenching again.

He talked about touching people and touching 3 generations away from us.

His art had done that to me.  His truck on it's side meant so much to me.  I dug it out of the closet and stared at it again last night.  Jim didn't know me till yesterday yet he had touched my essence.  Which had touched others through me.  Many many others.  Not only my family, all the people I perform for.  That may be approaching a million people by now.

Wow.  A million people.

As I think it out probably more.  The Speakeasy has performed for about 50,000 people.  When I was in the circus, I must have appeared before a quarter million people.  I've done thousands and thousands of shows.

Out of that.  I moved someone.  I must have.  Someone did something they might not have, thought a way they never have before, tried something they never thought they would try.

I'm clenching again.

Go see Jim's work  https://www.jamestorlakson.com

Rehearse...rehearse...rehearse...

We did an anniversary performance for The Speakeasy.  That's a show I've been in for almost two years.

I play Bosley the Magnificent.  A ne'er do well drunk magician that never had a whole lot of ambition in life.

I also play Carrie Nation.  She's the woman that started the temperance movement.

I also play Keller The Magician.

I also play Joe, the Clock Shop owner.

I also Play Fred Russell the terrible ventriloquist.

I'm busy in this show as I look at my line up...

We had an anniversary party.  I wanted to do my magic routine from the first incarnation of the Speakeasy 4 years ago.  I've done the routine a hundred plus times.  I have really good comedy timing and know the routine inside out.

I volunteered to do the routine last week.  But for some reason didn't go over it.  Even for five minutes just to get it back in my head.

I got up there in front of 150 people and I was rusty.  Ugh.  I was so mad at the end of that routine.  There were little subtleties of the act that were coming to me as I did them.  What a dope.

Apparently I killed.  I keep hearing from people how funny I was.  It should would have been nicer to do the routine and been comfortable.

Lesson?  Rehearse rehearse rehearse...

I've Become A Big Fat Clown...

The hazard of my job...

Pizza...Cupcakes...hotdogs...goodie bags...slices of cake...2 liter Pepsi bottles...

I have very little self control in regard to food. I love sweet things (Hey baby...How you doin'?)

I do a lot of business at home.  (Funny business?  Nah too easy).  I often pace around my house eating and thinking.  I'll say to myself "I'll have one cookie, that can't hurt.."  One cookie always always turns into an entire bag.  Because.  I'm a pig.  

I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and holy fat man bat man I am fatter than I've ever been.  

So here I am like my mother my entire childhood.  On a diet.  (My mother has been on every diet known to fat Americans.)

And because I'm obsessive.  I downloaded an app.  Because I'm obsessive I enter everything on that app.  Because I'm obsessive I mostly quit eating.  

My guess is that I've lost about 12 pounds.  I am one notch closer on my belt.  That's good.  It's a guess because my bathroom scale is a liar.  

But not one person has said to me.  Did you lose weight? I mean 12 pounds?  I should have one person coming up to me saying it.    

I must be fatter than I thought.  

My goal was losing 20 pounds in three months.  

My new goal my birth weight.  I was a 9 pound baby.  That's pretty fat. 

Got Me An Agent...

I'm noticing this blog has shifted toward Boswick becoming an actor.  WTF?

I go through phases.  Usually you can tell with how crazy I keep my hair where my focus is.  Obviously when I use product in my hair comb down the sides.  I'm an actor.

When I let the sides of my hair go nuts, like I'm Ted from SCRUBS.  I'm in total clown mode.

I'm such a f'n actor right now...

I had my audition on Thursday with Look Talent.  I was so nervous.


I worked and worked and worked on my audition piece.  Mumbling it to myself all over.  The morning of my audition.  I played out the day in a backwards fashion.  My appointment was at 11.  Be stepping out the door by 10.  Shower at 9:45.  Put resumes and pictures in portfolio by 9:30. Shave at 9, iron shirt by 8:30.

Backwards timelines are very effective.  I learned them years ago when I was a super Landmark guru.

I was doing one this morning on my taxes.  It makes it seem so much easier when you start with the finished event and work backwards on what has to happen.  I'm looking at my plan on my audition day.  So many holes in there.  I ended up with tons of time.

This is the craziest audition.  I went in.  Pretty early.  I was 20 minutes early for my appointment.

Joan had me sit.  I was noticeably sweating on my bald forehead.  (embarrassing)

We talked for 30 seconds.  She told me how much my old agent Mary means to her and if I was one of her actors, not to worry.  She said, I see you, you're already in so let's just talk.

It took all my strength not to try and do my audition piece.  That would just be needy.

She's the nicest lady.  We just talked for an hour plus about my life, her life, our kids.  The business, the old days of auditions.  I miss black and white photos.  She misses black and white photos.  So much more artistic.

I'm so confused.  I think of my life as if I were 12 years old, getting away with pretending to be a performer.

When I walked out.  I made a decision to take this acting thing very seriously.  I got home.  Made an appointment for new photos.  Updated my resume on the submission site the casting agents use.

And crazy enough.  I purchased a web site with my name to put my photos, videos and links to cool articles.  Actors do this.  I don't exactly know why but I started on it.

One of the problems with a resume you take something big like touring with the circus and it's one line.  With the web site, I can describe it a bit.

When I used to audition a lot, I'd have 3 shirts freshly pressed in my closet for auditions.  Time to do that again.  Maybe even buy some shirts for auditions.  When you're on camera you have to know what colors look good on you.  What styles.

How strange.  I'm an actor again.

Don't worry.  I'll goof it up.  I'm always the clown inside. 

There's Always Time To Rehearse...

I have an audition tomorrow.

An agent.  I'm big timing.

With every ounce of my being, I am trying to wing it, to rely on my charm.

mid sentence working on my monologue

I'm fighting through.  I'd like to have everything planned out.  The audition piece well prepared. I'm going to do a magic trick, because, who does magic tricks at an audition?  I have to pick the trick and be ready to bring it.

I have fought every day preparing my audition piece.  I think it's in good shape.  I'm not sure what else to do with it other than try it in front of some other actors.

This time tomorrow I will have new representation for commercials and movies.

The audition process is pretty odd.  I'm not sure I care all that much about commercials, other than the money.  But there is something so competitive in me, I want them and I want them bad.

Creatively, I'd much rather be in a movie or TV.

The reality is this also happens to be San Francisco.  You get to audition for TV and movies but it's usually small one line roles.  "Have you decided what you'll have this evening?"  Larger roles tend to be cast in LA.

I'm nervous, I'm excited and I'm fighting through my own insecurities to just go in and be good and be funny.  Be charming and be likable.  That's who I am.

I also have a new idea for a video series.  It's a continuation of "hey Mr. Sub..."  But we'll see what it's like to be an actor.

I'll try it tomorrow.  I have an audition.  That's a cool premise.  I also am in a show called The Speakeasy three or more nights every week for the last year and half.  I can talk about all that craziness too.

I'm off track.  Wish me luck or break a leg or bump a nose...

Society Of The Pink Socks...

Some years ago...

Several years ago...

Ok.  20 years ago.  I convinced a really good friend of mine of a secret society of magicians, clowns, jugglers called the Society of the Pink Socks.

He never heard of it.  But I'm a pretty convincing guy.  I also lie a lot.  For no real reason other than to lie.

A bunch of entertainers were going to a big circus fundraiser, it was for the woman that started the Pickle Family Circus who had MS.  She needed lots of money to help with her treatment.

I convinced Funnybone that he was going to be invited into this society.  I had gone to bat for him, I really wanted him in.

The deal was he had to wear a tuxedo with a pink socks. Then he would be welcomed in.

As with most of my lies, I kept it up when we talked then completely forgot about it.  To me it's like hearing or telling a joke and then saying to someone I heard a really good joke but I can't remember it.

So we go to this event and Bone was so excited...

He bought a new Tuxedo.

Convinced to Wear a Tuxedo...

uh oh.

I think he spent almost $500 on a new tuxedo.  I felt really bad.  Holy Crap, this is a gag that went too far.

At the circus fundraiser people thought it was hilarious.

Me. Not so much.

But Bone being Bone, told all the agencies that hire him  he has this new tuxedo to be a magician.  He looks great, it's a high end tuxedo he's the best looking kid's magician around.

That practical joke ended up making him thousands and thousands of dollars.

Because he called all these agents, he was on their mind as gigs came in appropriate for him.  All the gigs went to the man in the tuxedo and pink socks.

Good for you Funnybone.

Lesson being.  Get a new tuxedo and tell everyone you're available for gigs.

Have I learned my lesson?  The other day, I convinced someone I was joining the circus and leaving for a year.  For no decent reason...

So...no.

My Battle To Get An Agent Part III....

I'm a little taken aback.  Had a call this morning from Look Talent to come in to meet.

That clears all the clouds from my head.  I was feeling sort of down about myself.

I have an audition

I like to do the game on my own terms.  That's a hard way to live.

Sure, I've been able to eek out a living all these years but there are places it's so much easier to just do what people tell you and not do it your own way.

I used my resources for getting an agent.  I spent hours going over my resume and the format.  I sent it to Elle, (my son's girlfriend that works in a talent agency) to critique.  I did exactly what she told me.  No judgment, just do what she said.

Now, Look wants to see me.  She said prepare a monologue.

I've been working on my monologue for a few days getting it memorized.  Now it's time to work on it back and forth and side to side.  Do all the actor stuff.  Backstory, intentions, beats.  I tend to be a lazy actor because I have a lot of stage time and I'm "charming" on stage.  It's what I hear a lot.  I've got a little boys sensibilities.  So, I'm likable.

Which is great for TV commercials.

The rest of the game, I just have to do no questions...

I need new photos.  There are all these places you publish your photos, resume, special skills.  I have never bought into it too much.  If they need a mime, I figure they'll call.  

Here's the thing.  I really like performing.  More than that, I need to perform, it's what keeps me going and fighting my internal demons.  Auditions are little performances.  I get that little high of a performance.

This is exciting.  I've had a commercial agent for 15 plus years.  Now it's time to take it seriously.

Gonna Write a Book Today...

As my two followers know, it's hard for me to get motivated.  Hard to get moving.

I was taking a shower (because I'm fancy).  Here is a preview of my body.

what a man...

I'm just having a hard time moving the last few...(years.  damn, who am I kidding?)

I says to my self I says...I'll write a book today.

So I am.  That's sort of all it takes really.  You just say, I'll write a book and you do it.

Actually I have a great comedy book I've put aside.  I think it's really funny but no publishers wanted to touch it.  I sent out the idea years ago and got a bunch of no thank yous.

The big book of snotty comebacks.  It's comebacks to normal questions.  No connection to Snappy answers to stupid questions.  Any such connection is a lie and merely coincidence.

I wrote this thing years ago when I was substitute teaching.  I know that 4th grade boys (which I have the same mental level).  Would love the snottiness of this book.

My ideal is to get this into Scholastic.  Because you know all those book fairs.  4th graders would love it. I'd make a million dollars and I'd be done.

Actually, it would be just cool.

So, today I'll write a book.  It will be snotty but today, I'll write a book.  

Can You Make a Balloon Funny?

If you are a family entertainer, you can get so many laughs with repetition.  

For me, I juggle then hit myself in the head with a juggling club.   I can't believe that just happened, I'll do it again.  I'll look at the juggling club and to my disbelief it happens again.  

This is fundamental to the clown.  Emmett Kelly sweeping the light.  It's repetition.  He fights the light, it doesn't do what he wants it to do.  Over and over. 

On Captain Kangaroo Mr Moose would tell a joke and ping pong balls fell from the ceiling.  I loved that when I was 5. 

On Pee Wee Herman.  The secret word.  Everyone screams.  This happens over and over. 

Here's the subtlety and the hardest part.  You have to do it slightly different each time or it's frustrating to the audience.  "just blow up the balloon"  or "just sit down"  That happens because it's the exact same mistake over and over, it's frustrating to watch.  

You take a balloon, try and blow it up it snaps and hits you in the eye.  You get mad at the balloon.  Next time, snap yourself in the other eye, in the nose, in the chest, in the underarm, in the backside, in the knee, in the forehead then hold the back of your head...

How many ways can you think of not (knot!) trying a balloon.  You blow up a balloon, then let it go.  Do that again and watch it go around the room.  Do it and hand it to someone it flies around the room, you tie the wrong end, it deflates in your hand.  You tie it but not for real and watch it fly around the room.  You tie the wrong end and watch the balloon fly all over the place.  You tie it and your finger is caught in the knot and when you let go it flies around the room.  You tie the balloon before blowing up the balloon, then you can't blow up the balloon.  

Have some old gross balloons and spill them, have the children help you pick them up.  They hand you one, you drop another.  Put one under your chin when they hand you another that one falls out.  Put the one they gave you in your pocket but you miss your pocket.  When you're handed a balloon, put it under your arm, it will fall when you lift your arm.  Put a balloon on the side of your table so it falls off when you place it there.  

It you look at it.  These are all the exact same joke.  The repetition is what makes it funny.  

My Battle To Get An Agent ....part II

I've had a commercial acting agent for 15 or more years.  She retired and closed up her company.  I've been working on my resume and cover letter for days.  I started off slowly, grumbling under my breath about how lame my life has become.  To this is pretty fun.  I can't wait to do more auditions.

I went through all the pay stubs from all the commercial acting I've ever done.

It's pretty nifty.  Lots of things I actually forgot about.

I did a thing for BMW where I'm a mime, the car goes by and I say "WOW"  That was neat.

I did a thing for Safeway stores where I talk about all the St Patrick's Day recipes we have.  The fun of that job.  We shot it at a huge Safeway in the middle of the night.  People came up to me asking where items were.

I did a thing for Harvard teaching people to not harass co-workers.  I don't think it worked.

My first commercial was for The Smart Yellow Pages.  That played for 3 years.  I had a stack of residual payments.  It didn't seem like a big deal at the time.  I would get checks for $300 some every other month.  But that's a bunch in the end.

I just sent off the last letter to the agencies in San Francisco.

I was at the All Star Game. They hired Union Actors because we appeared on TV.  

From a Commercial For Nissan

I did what I never do.  I asked for help.  My son's girlfriend works in an agency in NYC.  I asked her to look at the letter for me and my resume.

She gave me small tips and said it would get past the receptionist in her agency.  That's good to know.

Lesson:  Got an expert in your life.  Ask for help.

I've preemptively begun working on my audition monologue.

It's from the play Harvey.  It's fun and whimsical.

I'll do that and a magic trick.  That always gets me in the door.

As I grumbled through this process I am realizing I'm excited about auditioning again.  About giving this a try.

Auditions are terrible.  And not for the reason you think.  What's awful is you think and think about it as you walk to your car.  Then you go to bed and say "I should have..."  "Why didn't I..."  And for days after till it slowly disappears.

They are always very nice in auditions, they really want you to do well.  It's not like they show on tv.


Wish me luck.  

Respect The Balloon Animal...

I have seen amazing balloon creations in my life.  I saw a picture of a two story soccer match made from balloons in Germany.  

There is a group that makes a full sized haunted house. 

Its amazing.  

The first time I saw someone make a curly snake with a balloon, my mind was blown.  (so to speak)

My friend Greg does a simple routine in his stage show with a balloon and a kid spinning a ball.  The balloon is just a doggy balloon.  

Greg tries to blow it up, gets caught on his finger.  Eventually he gives it to a kid.  Huge applause.  

There is an amazing performer here in San Francisco; Scotty Meltzer.  

He does a comedy routine for 8 minutes with a kid and a balloon. He's a juggler.  It's a remarkable routine.  Super funny.  

I like balloons for the comedy they can give me.  This gets me in trouble though.  I carry this over to when I do events.  My goal is to make people laugh.  Doing balloons fast and creating a line is not my style.  I like the mess, the mayhem.  I don't like lines.  I want to create a performance space wherever I am. 

I figure, you'll remember the laughter or at least the feeling of laughter.  The balloon lasts 30 minutes. 

This is a hard one to write because I get hired all the time to just be a balloon guy.  I'm well above average in my skills but I can't do big sculptures, backpacks for the kids to wear, sharks out of balloons.  So I try to make it up with comedy.  

I think it's funny that balloons make a farting noise.  

I'm pretty happy not tying a balloon and watching the balloon fly around the room.  

Either way.  Comedy or if you want to be the most amazing balloon maker around.  Think

What's amazing about a balloon?

You can take a balloon and make it into something.  That is just so cool.  And it stays that shape.  That is so cool.  I make someone smile.  That is so cool.  They cry when it breaks. That is so cool.  

I mean sad. 

If you are doing amazing balloons.  Look at the eyes watching you.  It's sort of the same look people have with a good storyteller.  They are watching, eyes unfocussed, amazed, their jaws dropped.  

Can we capitalize on that?  I think so.  Just stay aware of what people are looking at what you're doing. 

For someone like me, if I see I'm becoming a balloon machine.  I can forget to tie one, let it fly around break a balloon in half, hand it to two kids.  Have a kid do a raspberry and puff up a poodle tail.  That makes the balloons amazing again. I also get laughs.

If you aren't going for the comedy.  Have someone hold balloon after balloon while you build the amazing super hero you are creating.  Put all the balloons under your arms, then you can't find any place to hold anymore, so you drop them all.  

If you are making a giant creation.  Give it out two steps before your done. Then pull it back, add that little extra balloon.  Pull it back draw the face on.  Pull it back one more time to correct the face.  

This bit is good for any balloon. Make a dog.  Start to give it away, draw a face.  Pull it away to put a mouth.  Pull it away to make the poodle tail.  Pull it away to put eyelashes on.  Deflate the poodle tail, then puff it up again.  Then let the kid do it.  

Fundamentally.  It's taking something everyone knows (a balloon) and making it into something entirely different.  Remember this when you find yourself just making balloon after balloon.  

My Battle To Get An Agent...

My fabulous commercial agent Mary retired.

Leaving me to fend for myself.

Usually when agents retire, they sell the company to someone working there.  One of the newer lower level agents.  I gotta figure, the company is worth a lot of money, what with all the clients and actors begging for work.

Mary retired.

I love Mary for one very important reason. She took me on as a client.  Later she took my son on as a client too when he was about 8.  It was pretty awesome.

I'm in this fabulous position of getting a new agent.  Of wondering do I even want an agent?  I've never been very good at booking stuff and I have funny looking hair and my headshots are old and I'm not all that good looking.

I used to be good looking.

Now I'm ugly.

Maybe I've always been ugly.  When I look at my old photos, I was pretty good looking but maybe that's just in comparison to the ugliness that is me now.

I have a wall of headshots in my office.  It's my version of Dorian Grey.  I'm slowly melting.

I'm very fond of myself 

I Worked on my resume all morning.  I created a snarky cover letter.  

I haven't done this (looked for representation) in over 15 years.

Here's how you you do it.  How you get an agent.

Find a list of the franchised agents locally.  It's pretty easy.  Unless it's NYC or LA there are usually only 4 or 5.  Do a search for acting/modeling agencies.

Franchised means they are licensed or "condoned" or "tolerated" by SAG/AFTRA.  The union.  

If they aren't franchised, don't bother, it's likely they are schools disguised as agents.  From what I've seen only the franchised agents get you auditions.  When you audition you sign in, next to your name you put your agent.  I've never seen a non franchised agency next to anyone's name.

You need a resume formatted to look like all the others.  An acting resume does not look like a work resume.  If it looks wrong, they'll toss your resume and picture out. It means you're an amateur they don't need to waste their time.  It's hard to get an agent, so just play the game.

Get a nice headshot.  Don't get a friend that's a good photographer take one.  Spend the money.  There is a format to these.  If you don't follow the format, they'll toss you out.

My headshot is old.  It should get me in the door though.  If I can get a new agent, I'll have to fork over the $300 to $500 to get new ones.  Ugh.

I have less hair now

Usually as a clown, you can get in for the specialty file all the agents have to have.

Even as I work through this I'm so not excited.

I was surprised as I looked through the agents. Most were old school, they still wanted you to mail in a picture and resume.  Easy enough, I'm just out of stamps.

When I started years ago, I got an agent and ordered 300 photos and brought them in every few months with my resume glued to the back.  I learned from a class don't staple them because one agent cut his finger on a staple and he was pissed about it.  So I just used mucilage.  Now I just print it on my printer on the back of the photo.

It's a slow process.  you mail all these then, you'll get a call in a month to come in for an audition.

Gawd.  I've got so much work to do.

Anyway.  That's the process.  Make a nice resume.  Have a nice headshot.  Prepare a 90 second audition and wait.

Don't call my I'm sleeping right now

Me Too Hits The Clowns...

I'm super sad about Grandma clown in the Big Apple Circus.

That is definitely a weird sentence.  Grandma Clown is a dude and one of the funniest funniest clowns I have ever seen.  Seemed like a super nice guy...

On the surface.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/23/nyregion/big-apple-circus-grandma-clown-resigns.html


Another...tough sentence.  I've met him and know lots of people that know him.  What he did to an underage girl and to her life is monstrous and unforgivable.  I used to love Cosby too.  Had a huge influence on me.  Ruined lots of lives.

Grandma clown talked a 16 year old acrobat in the circus into posing in her underwear for him.  He has admitted this.  She has never gotten over it.  He's a monster.

The great thing about the me too movement.  It's caused incredible heroism.  This young woman can maybe get closure.  He will never do this to another girl.  He will never perform again.

it's not getting even.  It's getting things closed up.

In my experience.  Getting even never feels good.  But being told you're right, it's not your fault  feels good it's a big start.

I see a lot of comments on Facebook (I'm full of clown user groups and former Ringling clown groups) about how this will ruin clowning.  Just what we need, another thing that taints our profession.

So lame.

This is one awful person and one brave young woman that stepped forward.  How selfish to worry about yourself, your career, the "profession".

I'm going on a limb and say what he did was terrible.  He's a monster. Wow, aren't I amazing.

This has nothing to do with me.

I'm sad this woman and all the others.  (how could there not be lots of others that were just too embarrassed they never said anything?)  What happened in their lives make them take a turn in their lives that is so unfortunate.

I think of my family.  The thing that hurts me about being a father is when there is a roadblock for my children.  I want life to be easy and a straight line.  Of course there are challenges.

Then there is this. This isn't a roadblock it's a never ending hair pin.  This victim was a young performer.  She may have continued and had her dreams fulfilled.  That's a simplified version but I'm sure she her dream was shut down.

How many other things did she not try or go for because she was hurt and afraid?  Even simple non-threatening things.  "Come over and watch a movie..."  Wouldn't you be afraid to go to someone's house alone after what happened?

My work.  My profession.  Clowning will all survive.

Films are still being made despite Harvey.  The country still goes on despite the president.  The today show went on without Matt Lauer.

But how much talent is destroyed because one man can't control his weird fantasies?  And talent is so delicate.  It's so easy to exterminate.  

Stuff I Do...

I can't eat an orange by peeling it and eating the little wedges.  I hate it.

But I love oranges if they are sliced but it has to be in 8ths.  I love oranges that way.

I only wear boxers.  I only wear boxers with images of the Simpsons on them.

Which has become a problem because they stopped making them.  There was a time you could get them at Target.  Now it's a specialty order.

I wear a T-shirt everyday but it has to be a v-neck.  Unless I'm going casual then it's one solid color with a little pocket over the left side.  I call these formal T-Shirts.

I cut my own hair.  I hate barbers and hair salons.  I just sort of gouge at the back.  Luckily, my hair is frizzy so who cares.

If I have a gig at a hotel.  I'll steal all the pens I can get my hands on.  If I stay at a motel, I will steal the little note pads and pens.  If I pass a maid's cart. My heart beats really fast and I'll steal 2 pens.

I only wear gold toe white socks.  I mean, sometimes, I have to dress nicely or perform, then I wear funny colored socks. If I perform I have to have long striped socks, even though no one sees them.

I hate jewelry.  I can't wear it.  I can wear watches, I hate the feel.

If I'm performing, I have to wear a watch.  It irritates me and makes me pay attention.

For my make up, I only use Johnson and Johnson baby powder because that's what they gave us at Clown College.

I shave in the car with my electric razor.  If I've got no place to be, I won't shave.  If I can drive, I'll shave.

I keep a toothbrush in the car.  I brush my teeth a lot while driving.  No toothpaste.  No place to spit.

I use spiral notebooks but only about 5 pages at a time.  I have them all over the house from classes I take or jokes I write.  I can throw them away in fear there is something brilliant in there.

I hate pencils.

I'm a germaphobe but I'll eat stuff off the floor if it will get a laugh.

I know how to light a fart but I haven't done it in 25 years.

And I've never fired a gun.

The King Of Lists...

I get depression...

Big time.

Sometimes hard to get out of bed.  I lay there playing candy crush on my phone.  My dog licking my face wanting to get emptied.

So...I make lists.  Tons of them.  This is how I get over myself.  Some people drink.  Some people exercise.  I make lists.

When the depression hits hard.  I time myself.  "I'm going to clean my house, go to the bank, do the dishes, make coffee for tomorrow, put everything in my car for my show this afternoon in .... 15 minutes".  "I'll do all the dishes in 4 minutes".  "I'll do my show contracts in 3 minutes or less"...

Side note:  it's very cool apple added seconds to the timer.  It's a lot more fun to time yourself doing dishes at 3:17 seconds.

This time of year, January, it's very slow.  Not a lot of shows.  So I sit around moping.  I'm making lists in order to keep moving...

I just noticed the title of my blog.  Boswick the Clown.  This isn't very funny.

I'll put it on my list to be more funny.  I can do it in 30 seconds or less.

Clown walks into a bar asks for a beer. Bartender looks him up and down and says ok...but no funny business.

Clown goes into a car dealer.  Dealer shows him a Smart car.  Clown says, I'll take it but I don't know what I'm going to do with all the extra room.

Clown goes into a shoe store.  Says got gimme 2 bananas?  Shoe salesman says, this isn't a fruit stand, it's a shoe store.  I know. I was looking for a pair of slippers.

I'm Motivated Again...Sort Of....

I'm going to give my love to Silly Billy right now.

I've met him twice.  I imagine he knows who I am because of the article in NY Magazine about me and he lives in NYC.

He sent an email a few days ago with a free tiny book to read.  I know it's promo and he wants us to buy his stuff but gd if he didn't hit home.

His 8 page book was about what to do in the slow times.  My work is so slow right now, I'm doing a whole lot of nothing.

It was as if he was talking to me.

-Go watch that magic DVD that's still in plastic (I have a DVD I bought 6 weeks ago sitting on my desk)

-Is your business card out of date?  Are you handwriting your new email on the back?  (My look has entirely changed, I'm still using my card from 10 or more years ago and I've changed my email)

-Is your web site out of date?  (I had a new web site done a year ago. It was never done right it's a mess.  My forms don't work, there are words on the top of my face.  I've just been living with it)

Silly Billy's email sat in my inbox for a week.  (I should read this thing...)

It has felt like my performing life is over.  It's been so slow.  I did a ton of work in December but a lot of Santas, take a look at my last blog post to see how I feel about that.

I want to do large shows for kids and their parents in a theatre setting.  I want to do a kids channel on the internet.  (So what are doing to further this?)

Not much.  Moping a lot.  That's something isn't it?

I spent most of yesterday talking to my web designer about my site and my new business cards.

Now, it's time to watch that DVD that's sitting on my desk....

It's time to read Silly Billy's book again.  (Seriously Silly.  Go buy it if you don't own it).