"The Time a Kid Whizzed On Me."

Being a clown, people expect me to tell funny stories. I really find nothing very humorous about what I do. It’s my job and career.

I know it must sound odd, I do not at all find it funny that I shop for the best price on whoopee cushions. Or the fact that I know the difference in brand quality for said whoopees.

When it’s time to buy new clown shoes I spend hours looking at designs.

I have a great time doing what I do. I make a living making people laugh. I don’t find that humorous at all.

Funny is my job.

Here’s a funny thing that happened to me!

I was at a ridiculous over the top, crazy, spend too much money, kids Halloween party. The party was in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in America. So, picture mansion, circle driveway.

The guy hiring had all his carpets covered in Saran Wrap. I’m serious giant sheets of Saran Wrap. Smart but odd. The party was in his beautiful landscaped backyard.

There were two other children’s entertainers there before I even arrived.

But shhh. I’m the best. I get em laughing like no one else can. Yes, I’m tooting my horn but at that event, parents said to me, “I thought the others were good but I’ve never seen my kid’s laugh so hard”

I’m just that good!

There was a little boy of maybe 3 that kept getting into my things trying to hit me from behind. You guessed it, the parents thought this was really cute, while they hung around the bar. I turn it into comedy. I’m a clown, I take all situations and make them on purpose. I turn the unexpected into a routine.

I was looking left, when I heard “watch out!” I turned to my right and that little boy unzipped his little NASA space costume and was trying to .... pee on me! Whizz on the clown. Pee on the payaso.

I lept back, caught some shrapnel on the bottom of my pants and on my $350 shoes.

This I found hilarious. It was so ridiculously crazy, I just laughed and laughed.

It’s a good story. My favorite part of the story...

I didn’t even get a tip!

"Clowns are dying around me"

I'm entering a period of life where I'm going to memorial services.

This means, I'm getting close; the cold specter of death is breathing on my neck. Luckily, I wear a scarf.

Two people I knew well, died this last month, both clowns in different ways. My old friend Gerald wanted to become a clown because he was confronted by the thought of doing it. Gerald and I took seminars together for years with a group called Landmark Education. I'm a big fan of Landmark, amazing things have happened in my life because of them, if you are looking for a change in your life, I can't recommend them enough.

Gerald had been involved with Landmark since they were EST.

Gerald was a character. I always enjoy characters. Gerald did things like join the Army during the Vietnam war because he couldn't take the pressure of waiting for the draft. His father was a doctor, he was going to Berkeley, I'm sure he could have found a way out.

Gerald returned to the Bay Area and started a custom guitar shop and know people like Carlos Santana.

By the time I knew Gerald he was still exploring, trying everything. He tried EBAY, He tried selling magic DVDs, he tried making magic tricks (he didn't know anything about magic), he tried real estate (he had $5 in the bank). He decided one day to move to St Louis because it was the most opposite he could think of from San Francisco. Gerald would show up about every three months to do some computer work and to see his mother. He would show up and ask me to pick him up at the airport. Not a lot of people just do that.

Gerald decided he wanted to become a clown. I have him the full training. I've taught a number of folks over the years.

Gerald was not a good clown. But Gerald was fearless and lived his life as if it were on borrowed time (which it was, he had his first stroke at 38 years old. By the end, he was diabetic, had 4 strokes, kidney failure and was still talking about what business he was going to try next). Gerald was a clown in the best sense, he lived an outrageous creative life.

We should all live like we are borrowed time.

My old boss and friend Peggy Ford died on Friday from lung cancer.

Peggy was truly funny. She was in that Joan Rivers style of funny. Peggy was one of the early women of clowning. Ringling Brothers never had female clowns till the early 1970s. Peggy went to Clown College in (I don't know the exact dates), 1972 or so and toured. You can only imagine how tough a woman she had to be, I'm sure that was the source of her comedy.

Peggy was not that into performing. I knew her as director of a tiny circus called Make a Circus. We had a great time on tour together. She named me Sphincter Boy, because of my constant talk about toilets, farting and bowel movements.

We were in Los Angeles doing shows in war torn South Central LA. We were hired by Paramount Studios to do shows there after the Rodney King Riots. It looked like the Bronx to me, no big deal. One night at the motel, Peggy died my hair and chest hair orange.

Peggy went on to become the assistant director of the Circus Center in San Francisco. The Circus Center is the only full time circus training in America. It's a big deal in the world of circus. Since Ringling closed Clown College, the Clown Conservatory in the Circus Center, is the main source for new Ringling Brothers clowns.

I ran into Peggy less and less since I had children but just always had such fond memories of our time.

Peggy, like Gerald, got sick very early in life. Peggy had cancer in her mid 30s. I think that's why she smoked, she felt like she was on borrowed time.

So, two people I liked an awful lot passed away recently. Both clowns, both lived life without regret. Both living as if they were on borrowed time.

"The Unusual Show Makes Me Nervous"

Some shows make me incredibly nervous. Wake up at 4AM nervous.

I get called on fairly often, to do an adult gag, surprise show. The calls go like this. "I thought it would be really funny to surprise my (co-worker, wife, husband, son, daughter, granddaughter, grandson, niece, nephew, best friend) with a clown...They're turning 40, (timidly) do you do adult parties?"

I do one of these, about every other month. Mostly they tend to be in work situations. These cause me great stress because I'm walking into an uncontrolled environment. As a clown, I take over a room, that's what a clown does, you know big shoes, red nose orange wig. We are shouting, "hey look at me, I'm funny!"

I kill at these events. And I mean knock them dead with comedy. There are very few children's entertainers that can cross over into adults, you have to be pretty willing to look bad.

I'm a decent stand up, I've trained as a stand up comedian and spent my time in front of the microphone at open mic nights umpteen times. Still, I'm just barely OK at it. You have to spend years and do thousands of shows before you're really good. But there's something about mixing the clown in there that makes it wildly funny. I guess it's the outrageousness of the situation. And that I have done thousands of shows.

Last night, I had a show for a 21st birthday. I was mad at myself for taking it. I was really nervous about the clown hating thing. This is the prime age they still don't want to look foolish in front of their friends. This is that age that says to me loudly when I'm walking down the street "Ooo clowns scare me."

The mom that hired me was from the generation of "everybody loves a clown". And yes, it is heavlly generational. There is an older generation that absolutely loves clowns.

I was a "surprise". I don't think surprises work. You remove the control from a performance. The best scenario is to let everyone know I'm coming except the honoree. This creates an excitement and buzz in the room, as people whisper about "the clown".

The mom didn't want to do that. So, I was going into the hornets nest.

Guess what, I killed it. I haven't had an audience laughing to peeing their pants this hard in a while.

The more nervous you are, the better it feels when you're performing. I am addicted to endorphins.

This is the part of clowning that I like...and hate. Going into a situation blind, trusting I can handle any situation. Unlike stand up, I have done nearly 300 plus shows year in year out for 25 years.

I have tons of self doubt, I have to put that aside to be a good performer, I have to or I would hide under my bed. Just like the soldier goes in even though they are scared, I go in, with all my training, even though I'm scared.

Apologies to all soldiers for being compared to a clown.

I spent yesterday daydreaming of a time that I had enough money to turn these kind of shows down. Maybe God made me broke for a reason. If I did have enough money, I would play it safe. Being an artist, I have to stay hungry or I can't grow. If I wan't hungry, I would never have done this show. I have to grow, it's what drives me. You have to be mental to be an artist.

Last night I grew.

You know you’re in the right profession when....

A small tragedy happened to me last week, my eyes went down for a bit.

I’ve been having some trouble with scratchy eyes, dry eyes for about 8 months. Dry eyes are pretty painful and really bothersome. I got a diagnosis from my optometrist a number of months back. Just use the products at Walgreens. Eye drops that say dry eyes.

If you take a look at Walgreens under eye-care, you can see I’m not the only one! There are 15 different brands from mild to severe to occasional. Drops for overnight, single servings kind, economy size. Yup, welcome to middle age plus. (I’m hoping I’m in the middle but I think I’m beyond at this point...all downhill from here weeeee).

A new development about three weeks ago. I am using up a bottle of drops a day, my eyes are blood red. It’s bad. And it feels like I got caught in a dust-storm, weeee.

Anyone want a clown that looks like a vampire for their party? I was dousing my eyes with Visine, which as it turns out, has the opposite effect I’m looking for. If you’re a stoned teenager, it will work, if you use a half a bottle, it makes it worse. Go figure.

I got into an ophthalmologist pretty quickly. Thanks, Diane for having Kaiser health insurance.

So, it turns out, my antibodies are attacking my antigens in the corner of my eye. Whatever. They don’t know why it happens but that’s what’s going on and I got steroids for my eyes... With the help of steroids, I can now see Australia.

Two days later, bloodshot gone but ouch owe. I can’t stand light, it’s painful ouch ouch ouch. Got an emergency appointment to ophthalmology. Blessings upon my mother in law. She drove me to the hospital. I couldn’t drive, I would have had to take a cab, I couldn’t have seen my money to even pay. It was way too painful to wait for my wife to come home from work.

Doctor eyeball said, I became very susceptible to scratches on the cornea because of the super vision I was gaining. (kidding about super vision).

I blinked wrong or rubbed my eyes in the middle of the night and scratched the crap out of my right eye.

I know about scratched eyes because when I was 6, I was looking through the knot hole of a fence at my friend Scott Sandy’s house and the kids next door stuck a stick through the hole into my...wait for it. Right eye!

When I was ten. I went to the World’s Fair in Spokane, Washington with my friend Gary McAdam. While watching the fireworks a little bit of metal flake from a firework landed in my...you guessed it. Right eye.

Both times, I came to the first day of school with an eyepatch.

The good part of all this. I am super familiar with knowing how fast an eye heals. I didn’t have too much fear of my eye getting better.

I lay in my bedroom, shades drawn, my eyes shut. I have tried meditating over the years but always fall asleep, I get bored easily. This time, I just lay there like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, with new eyes. My house is a bit nicer.

But still I stumbled down the hall with my eyes closed to go to the bathroom. Get a banana or a Jack Daniels (kidding kidding).

Thank God for Howard Stern. I am a ridiculous super fan and listen a lot. Howard produces 5 original hours a day, I listen a lot but never get to hear the whole thing. I did those days; just laying and listening.

The cool part, I’ve spent most of my life pretending to be blind. I do it all the time, close my eyes and see if I can figure out how to take a shower or see if I can make lunch without seeing. I guess that might be odd. But what do you want? I’m a clown, I have quirks. Today I had an audition for a commercial, as I stared into the mirror shaving, I made faces at myself. Half way shave, I realized this is probably abnormal behavior.

But here’s the blessing. One, no damage done. My eyes are nice and white, not dry anymore, still a bit scratchy but getting better every day.

Two, I was incredibly worried and upset about a birthday party show I had booked.

I was so upset that I couldn’t get well enough in time to see 5 year old Carlos. Carlos had recently seen me at his school and had to have me. A big time fan. Talking to his mom, I could tell it was a stretch financially to hire me but they went ahead. This was not the kind of show I could sub out, it would hurt a lot of people, some people just want a “clown” then I get obsessive fans. Albeit 5 years old but obsessive.

That Saturday, I could stand light but barely. The weather was unseasonably warm and super sunny (darn, I was hoping for rainy). I didn’t know if I could pull off an outdoor show.

I lucked out, the show turned out to be in the rec. room of their apartment. Perfect, I didn’t have to wear sunglasses, or pull a pillow case over my head.

The show absolutely killed. Kids out of their mind, I had tons of happiness energy. Everyone laughing like crazy.

I made it. I did it. I pulled it off. From the brink of blindness to pure laughter.

And I realized, I wasn’t worried about money, bills, the problems in the Middle East. Laying in bed for two days I was worried about that little boy and his parents. I was worried about being able to perform.

I’m in the right field. It takes a lot to remind ourselves why we are put on this earth. I got to SEE, my life is to bring laughter to families.

And that’s pretty cool. wheeeee!

"How Did The Show Come Out?"

There is so much going on right now...so many creative projects but that's the New Year isn't it?

So to complete the last big project before trying on the next one. I want to write what I learned and what I wish I had done on my annual theatre show.

In the end, I sold 174 tickets out of a possible 196. I gave none away, which is terribly unique for me. I have a tendency to not believe I'm worth money, so I start downplaying my worth. In translation, I beg people to come to my shows.

This is year I priced my tickets at $19. I think children's shows sell for under $10. So I priced it so that I could sell half price tickets all over.

Luckily, I live in a large city and there are agencies that do this. A major company called Goldstar sold nearly half my tickets. That made life very easy for me. I generally need about 10 or 12 in an audience for the comedy point I'm looking for, that is, where people are not self conscience to laugh out-loud.

I also listed my show everywhere and I mean everywhere I could find. This takes a lot of time. Usually it means signing up for a site, filling in the categories and submitting. This can take 10 minutes to 30 minutes per site. It's good for me in the long run because my clown name will come up much higher when people search. So good for my wallet, hopefully.

I also built on my shows from previous years and looked at my show that I do 250 times a year. My regular show is not designed for a theatre, so it takes work to adapt it. And what I found this year, it takes a lot of trial and error. Doing a theatre show, you don't have the fallback of things like balloon animals when my show is not killing. As much as I can make people laugh, there are times, nothing works. That's life on the edge.

In a theatre, you must have a connecting theme. This is something to keep working on for myself, I tend to jump from one routine to the next. Having done some stand up comedy this is the transition part of an act. When George Carlin talks about an escalator handrail going slightly faster than the stairs and then goes into the department store routine, this is seamless. It's the hard part of any comedy show.

And blessings be upon my son Dustin. I tend to ignore things lights and sound, they are a total pain to me. He pushed it and created a lighting design and a sound design. He's 14 and he just created this stuff because he's smarter than me. But as he said to me, that's what makes it a theatre show...

This year's theatrical show was big for me, I succeeded in getting over some big humps. I was able to get a large audience. I built on older routines that worked and wrote them in a way that would work in a theatre. I got over myself and let my son push me to create lights and sound. I found a nice price point for people to come to a theatre.

It's a lot of work, I can see why people don't do this all that much. I ended up making some money, which is cool. But I now know how to make a theatrical clown show. I've rented theaters probably 10 or more times. That represents maybe up to 100 theatre performances and it's taken me this long to get it.

You never stop learning.

"The Successful Show"

Here I am two shows into my holiday run at the lovely little SF Playhouse downtown San Francisco.

I can say the show is a huge success. I have measures of these things.

I broke even. That's pretty incredible, to get enough people to get out of their houses, go downtown to the crowds this time of year to see a "clown show". I know it's like no other clown show in the world, I have a very unique take on what makes kids laugh.

I have a wonderful new relationship with my younger son. Each year I do these holiday theatre shows with my two sons. My older son is away this year in India with 16 of his classmates, in complete appreciation of all they have at home. (the emails back home are full of stories of limbless beggars and orphans they are helping).

My younger son Dustin did all the tech at the theatre. We rehearsed together, we picked music, he figured out how to operate a lightboard and how to patch into the theatre and run music and sound effects for me. Running a show takes a lot of concentration. Even though I don't really care if he misses a cue, he does.

I have learned (as a father) how wonderful of a son I have, how smart and talented and how much I've underestimated him. He's 4 years younger than his older brother so lives in the shadows a bit.

I happily eat crow. He's amazing and my total partner. I completely hate tech. I just want to perform. I love that he pushed me to pick music for each routine. It's such a better show because of that.

That alone could make it successful. I mean, realizing my child is way better than me, is a gift.

I created a killer theatre show for kids and families. It ran one hour and 10 minutes. There are very few kids entertainers in this country that could command the attention for that length of time. I have one 90 second break in the show where I am not onstage, I run backstage during a cartoon and change into a tutu.

There is no padding in this show, that's pretty incredible to me, I've come a long way.

Here's the big one (as a performer, nothing can match my relationship with my son). I have done 2 shows now. The first one was ok, not a great show by my estimation. I was very angry at myself after for a lot of mistakes in timing and comedy.

I looked at what didn't work in the show and killed the next day. I changed the opening, because I know kids, I know their attention span, I know how to fluctuate material to keep them going. I worked on my show and I created a show better than I believed.

So, this is a dream. I am in a theatre doing my show and making some money. My profit is about what we spend on groceries but I am doing it. It's taken me years and years of renting theatres. But it feels good.

I'm a very very happy clown.

A successful show is not about the money, it's about the art, the craft of clowning. That's a big lesson, a big lesson for me.

"It's Showtime!"

I subject myself and my family to something every year...I do a big show around Christmas.

This involves, renting a theatre, writing a show and worst of all publicizing it and hoping people will come.

I'm one of the few children's entertainers, that I know of, that puts on a theatrical show. I certainly appreciate that there are entertainers that work solely in the theatre but I straddle the world of birthday, library, school shows and the world of theatre.

This year things are clicking into place. We are doing the final dress rehearsal, I still have to run out and buy bagels for the singing bagel routine but the show could go on this afternoon and it would be in good shape.

It's a scary venture, putting yourself out there like this. There are really so many things out of my control. On the other hand, this is what's called living my dream.

I love children's stage performing. It's been a focus of mine for years. The control and flow of a show, often how to pull it back because when children laugh too hard they sometimes wet themselves. Yup, I'm that funny.

So, I'm nervously making lists of what to finish up. Dress rehearsal this afternoon. Then it's showtime! For the first time in all the years I've rented a theatre, I will not only break even but make money. It actually looks like I'm going to sell all the shows out. There are about 45 tickets left for all the shows. That's cool.