Wednesday, January 18, 2012

You know you’re in the right profession when....

A small tragedy happened to me last week, my eyes went down for a bit.

I’ve been having some trouble with scratchy eyes, dry eyes for about 8 months. Dry eyes are pretty painful and really bothersome. I got a diagnosis from my optometrist a number of months back. Just use the products at Walgreens. Eye drops that say dry eyes.

If you take a look at Walgreens under eye-care, you can see I’m not the only one! There are 15 different brands from mild to severe to occasional. Drops for overnight, single servings kind, economy size. Yup, welcome to middle age plus. (I’m hoping I’m in the middle but I think I’m beyond at this point...all downhill from here weeeee).

A new development about three weeks ago. I am using up a bottle of drops a day, my eyes are blood red. It’s bad. And it feels like I got caught in a dust-storm, weeee.

Anyone want a clown that looks like a vampire for their party? I was dousing my eyes with Visine, which as it turns out, has the opposite effect I’m looking for. If you’re a stoned teenager, it will work, if you use a half a bottle, it makes it worse. Go figure.

I got into an ophthalmologist pretty quickly. Thanks, Diane for having Kaiser health insurance.

So, it turns out, my antibodies are attacking my antigens in the corner of my eye. Whatever. They don’t know why it happens but that’s what’s going on and I got steroids for my eyes... With the help of steroids, I can now see Australia.

Two days later, bloodshot gone but ouch owe. I can’t stand light, it’s painful ouch ouch ouch. Got an emergency appointment to ophthalmology. Blessings upon my mother in law. She drove me to the hospital. I couldn’t drive, I would have had to take a cab, I couldn’t have seen my money to even pay. It was way too painful to wait for my wife to come home from work.

Doctor eyeball said, I became very susceptible to scratches on the cornea because of the super vision I was gaining. (kidding about super vision).

I blinked wrong or rubbed my eyes in the middle of the night and scratched the crap out of my right eye.

I know about scratched eyes because when I was 6, I was looking through the knot hole of a fence at my friend Scott Sandy’s house and the kids next door stuck a stick through the hole into my...wait for it. Right eye!

When I was ten. I went to the World’s Fair in Spokane, Washington with my friend Gary McAdam. While watching the fireworks a little bit of metal flake from a firework landed in my...you guessed it. Right eye.

Both times, I came to the first day of school with an eyepatch.

The good part of all this. I am super familiar with knowing how fast an eye heals. I didn’t have too much fear of my eye getting better.

I lay in my bedroom, shades drawn, my eyes shut. I have tried meditating over the years but always fall asleep, I get bored easily. This time, I just lay there like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, with new eyes. My house is a bit nicer.

But still I stumbled down the hall with my eyes closed to go to the bathroom. Get a banana or a Jack Daniels (kidding kidding).

Thank God for Howard Stern. I am a ridiculous super fan and listen a lot. Howard produces 5 original hours a day, I listen a lot but never get to hear the whole thing. I did those days; just laying and listening.

The cool part, I’ve spent most of my life pretending to be blind. I do it all the time, close my eyes and see if I can figure out how to take a shower or see if I can make lunch without seeing. I guess that might be odd. But what do you want? I’m a clown, I have quirks. Today I had an audition for a commercial, as I stared into the mirror shaving, I made faces at myself. Half way shave, I realized this is probably abnormal behavior.

But here’s the blessing. One, no damage done. My eyes are nice and white, not dry anymore, still a bit scratchy but getting better every day.

Two, I was incredibly worried and upset about a birthday party show I had booked.

I was so upset that I couldn’t get well enough in time to see 5 year old Carlos. Carlos had recently seen me at his school and had to have me. A big time fan. Talking to his mom, I could tell it was a stretch financially to hire me but they went ahead. This was not the kind of show I could sub out, it would hurt a lot of people, some people just want a “clown” then I get obsessive fans. Albeit 5 years old but obsessive.

That Saturday, I could stand light but barely. The weather was unseasonably warm and super sunny (darn, I was hoping for rainy). I didn’t know if I could pull off an outdoor show.

I lucked out, the show turned out to be in the rec. room of their apartment. Perfect, I didn’t have to wear sunglasses, or pull a pillow case over my head.

The show absolutely killed. Kids out of their mind, I had tons of happiness energy. Everyone laughing like crazy.

I made it. I did it. I pulled it off. From the brink of blindness to pure laughter.

And I realized, I wasn’t worried about money, bills, the problems in the Middle East. Laying in bed for two days I was worried about that little boy and his parents. I was worried about being able to perform.

I’m in the right field. It takes a lot to remind ourselves why we are put on this earth. I got to SEE, my life is to bring laughter to families.

And that’s pretty cool. wheeeee!

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