My year end reflection doesn't happen on December 31st. I get to work a lot and my children are with me.
My year end reflection happens when I do my taxes. Each expense has a story. I buy a piece of music for a show, that makes me think. I purchase a costume piece, get software for my computer. Each event gave me such hope. When I use my credit card, I'm living a dream.
This year was especially tough. I did my one man show "Through The Eyes of a Clown". It was my dream come true. To stand on stage, raw, full of emotion, full of stories, making people laugh and cry. What a creative dream.
I miss this show so much. I started the show out of a challenge from my son. Instead of doing my annual holiday show for kids. (Each year I rent a theatre and do public shows. It's always an original theme. It's expensive and gives me ulcers so I complain about it).
August 2013, my son told me to quit complaining and do a show for myself. I had always talked about doing an adult themed clown show.
August 2013, is when it started. I went through a lot of ideas. One idea I stayed with for quite a while. I'm onstage on a stool. God is talking to me and I'm explaining how I became a clown.
As God asks me questions, I did sketches. I had God saying lines like. "You're a really good juggler, can you do 5?"
It was a funny idea but I dropped it because of amount of memorization I would have to do. Or hire an actor for backstage to interact. It was cumbersome.
I did a lot of brain storming. I settled on mine. I did stories and sketches. I really hadn't ever seen anyone do this with clowning. It seemed so interesting.
I did the show then submitted the show to different festivals around the country. I was rejected mostly but accepted into the San Francisco Fringe Festival.
I spent a big chunk of last year listening to autobiographies of comedians. Marc Maron, Sarah Silverman, Howie Mandel, Amy Poehler, Artie Lange, Carl Reiner, Tina Fey, Lena Dunham, Mindy Koeling, Billy Crystal. There are others I'm leaving off the list. I listened to so many I can't remember.
I listened for structure. Comedians structure their autobiographies like one man shows.
I did the show and not many people came. I mean hardly anyone. It killed me. I would see people at the festival I knew, I had seen their shows and they didn't bother to come to mine. I was pissed. I will never do that to another performer.
I got a review in a local paper. That was cool. It was a lukewarm review but spot on. Yes, I needed to work on the show. That was the point of putting it up there, so I could go further. The routines I've been doing in my show, I've been doing for years and years. This was brand new. I was discovering so much in this show.
At my last show, I felt my best show, because I had decided this is closing night. I had 6 people in the audience. When I finished, one guy looked at me and said, "this is the size of crowd you've been getting? What a shame, what a shame" He had a look of wow on his face. That was a cool
But no one came. It just didn't call to people. And that kills me. And doing my taxes now and seeing my hope in the form of a cancelled check, hurts my heart.
What happened?
This is what it's like to be an artist. This is why I'm so jealous of a regular life. The lows are just so low.
There's something in that show that I can't let go. I tried. I lost money, I lost hope.
But I tried.
Taxes suck.
My year end reflection happens when I do my taxes. Each expense has a story. I buy a piece of music for a show, that makes me think. I purchase a costume piece, get software for my computer. Each event gave me such hope. When I use my credit card, I'm living a dream.
This year was especially tough. I did my one man show "Through The Eyes of a Clown". It was my dream come true. To stand on stage, raw, full of emotion, full of stories, making people laugh and cry. What a creative dream.
I miss this show so much. I started the show out of a challenge from my son. Instead of doing my annual holiday show for kids. (Each year I rent a theatre and do public shows. It's always an original theme. It's expensive and gives me ulcers so I complain about it).
August 2013, my son told me to quit complaining and do a show for myself. I had always talked about doing an adult themed clown show.
August 2013, is when it started. I went through a lot of ideas. One idea I stayed with for quite a while. I'm onstage on a stool. God is talking to me and I'm explaining how I became a clown.
As God asks me questions, I did sketches. I had God saying lines like. "You're a really good juggler, can you do 5?"
It was a funny idea but I dropped it because of amount of memorization I would have to do. Or hire an actor for backstage to interact. It was cumbersome.
I did a lot of brain storming. I settled on mine. I did stories and sketches. I really hadn't ever seen anyone do this with clowning. It seemed so interesting.
I spent a big chunk of last year listening to autobiographies of comedians. Marc Maron, Sarah Silverman, Howie Mandel, Amy Poehler, Artie Lange, Carl Reiner, Tina Fey, Lena Dunham, Mindy Koeling, Billy Crystal. There are others I'm leaving off the list. I listened to so many I can't remember.
I listened for structure. Comedians structure their autobiographies like one man shows.
I did the show and not many people came. I mean hardly anyone. It killed me. I would see people at the festival I knew, I had seen their shows and they didn't bother to come to mine. I was pissed. I will never do that to another performer.
I got a review in a local paper. That was cool. It was a lukewarm review but spot on. Yes, I needed to work on the show. That was the point of putting it up there, so I could go further. The routines I've been doing in my show, I've been doing for years and years. This was brand new. I was discovering so much in this show.
At my last show, I felt my best show, because I had decided this is closing night. I had 6 people in the audience. When I finished, one guy looked at me and said, "this is the size of crowd you've been getting? What a shame, what a shame" He had a look of wow on his face. That was a cool
But no one came. It just didn't call to people. And that kills me. And doing my taxes now and seeing my hope in the form of a cancelled check, hurts my heart.
What happened?
This is what it's like to be an artist. This is why I'm so jealous of a regular life. The lows are just so low.
There's something in that show that I can't let go. I tried. I lost money, I lost hope.
But I tried.
Taxes suck.
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