"My Calling...?"

"You get to do what you love, that's so amazing, so few people get to do that..."

I hear that a lot. Doing what you love. Honestly though, I have no understanding of the world, I'm a kid walking around in a balding, hairy middle aged body.

I look around, I don't understand how normal life works. I don't understand when I see lights on in buildings at ten at night, what in the world are they working on so late? I don't understand when I see people having business phone calls at lunch, I don't understand suits, briefcases and laptops.

So...I'm confused by the statement, I do what I love. I walk around thinking everyone has a job they are called to. All I ever encourage my children to do is go with their passion. Or at least do what they like doing. I assume everyone does what they do because they are drawn to it, like a nail to a magnet.

This is not always a job I love. It's very frustrated being a performer, it's incredible highs... and lows i would not wish on the most horrible of folks. I once did a performance in front of 5000 people, I bombed. I opened for a very famous musician and actually got letters to the producer saying how bad I was. That was nearly 20 years ago, even writing that sentence hurts my heart. If you could sit in on the conversation my brain had with me that night, you would abandon that brain.

Why I get confused by the statement of how lucky I am is because I don't have a choice. I have such a strong calling to perform, the concept of love doesn't enter into it. I am a clown, because it's all I can do. I am not a clown out of love, it's like walking or sleeping enough each night. I could survive if I couldn't walk. I could survive sleeping 5 hours a night. I'm human, I need to move around and sleep. My job is a need.

Some jobs you do some jobs you have to do. I have to be a clown.