"Don't be rude to your customers"

So, I so wanted to tell someone to go $#% themselves today.

It's a strange feeling, to want to say $#%^ to someone. I just want to make people laugh and feel good.

I was working at an event this afternoon for the Diabetes Foundation. 1200 people taking an afternoon off work to walk and raise money. It was great, I'm really happy to have been part of it.

But I got one of those young employees that worked at Hyatt (a corporate sponsor, nothing against Hyatt). She was pretty rude, which always catches me off guard. I have to catch myself because under it all, I'm a forked tongue devil. I am a trained performer, a trained comedian, I can taker hecklers and destroy them. Nothing good ever comes from that though.

She said she doesn't like clowns.

I am continually baffled by this kind of statement. She certainly could have said, "no thanks, give it to a kid". I get that a lot, it's a blow off but an easy way out for me. This was just insulting.

And it's totally under my skin. I'm here questioning why I do what I do. I met hundreds and hundreds of people that I got to smile, some laugh hysterically, I will be on dozens of Facebook pages. But this one just makes me mad.

The good part, I saved face, made a joke, a quick balloon and got out of there. This is a no win.

But I write about it because it hurts. I suppose this is a way this person gets through life, dismissing people. I can tell she has a very thick shell. My guess not a fan of the unpredictable.

This is the part of being a clown that isn't so fun.

I could say oh well but I can't again, it does hurt. Oh well, at least I made some new friends....

You Can Have Your Mayhem and Efficiency Too...

Making Life Easier....

Organization is not my strong suit. I have things stacked up around my office that have been sitting there for 5, maybe 10 years. Every once and a while I shift them or dust them off. But never deal with them. I can’t bring myself to throw them away.

I asked myself, what is most in the way of making me money (organizationally)? I found out something about organization, it’s helped me spiritually and made me more money.

I resist any streamlining or efficiency. Mostly because I want don’t want to be a grown up. Efficient offices are for adults, that’s not me.

But every once and a while, I will take on a simple organizational project. The dividends pay off for years, actually the rest of my life. Once they are done, they maintain themselves, sort of a self cleaning oven for offices.

In the old days, I used to write down booking information on a piece of paper and clip it into a calendar. That was scary because there was a fear of losing that calendar or double booking if I didn’t pay attention. That used to happen to me from time to time. It’s really a drag to have to tell someone I took another booking because I double booked myself. I felt terrible about it.

I put a simple organizational plan into place. I made a booking sheet. On the sheet, I had the obvious, time date, location, how referred to me, phone, how referred to me.

But here’s what changed my life, I put in a self check system. I had a spot that said. “Entered in Calendar?”. “Confirmation mailed?” “Reconfirmed?” “thank you sent?” next to each question mark I left a blank spot to put in the date it was done. The easiest way was just to do it all at the same time. If I didn’t send the confirmation, I knew it would stick in the back of my mind, giving me pain.

This is still the basic booking pattern I use, except now I do it on the computer. Online calendar, email confirmation etc. Just a 1,2,3 pattern.

So, what used to be a pain, became fairly efficient. I automatically, send a confirmation, enter in my calendar etc. It’s a non thinking process that used to stress me out. As I write this, it seems obvious but I do still know performers that always struggle with keeping things straight.

I don’t take what I did lightly. Putting all this into place took a few hours of designing and thinking. That wasn’t the hard part, it was getting to it.

I’ve gotten so efficient and fearless in my booking process I put my calendar online so everyone can see it. I could never have done that if I didn’t have a fool proof system of booking. If I’m taking the step of putting a calendar on the internet, it had better be up to date to the minute.

The other place that killed me year after year-Taxes. Yuck patoo. I hate dealing with taxes so much I happily pay someone to do them. If you knew what a cheapskate I am, this would shock you. I also happen to be kind of geeky and like math. I really like simple algebra and I could do taxes for other people, I’d probably even enjoy it.

But my own, too personal I hate it! I have to look at my income and what I spend, ugh.

So, what I started doing (and this took real mental effort) I place a manila folder in my filing cabinet. One is for credit card statements (I highly recommend using one credit card for business only, it makes taxes much easier). I marked it Credit Card Statements 2011. I have another Credit Card Transactions 2011 (I take credit cards). Another is my income. Every time I go to the bank, I copy all the checks and put a date on the sheet. I put the copies into a folder marked “checks 2011”

In the area of taxes. I still don’t like them but I just pull out the marked folders and add things up at the end of the year. It’s also saved on clutter. I don’t have credit card receipts sitting around. It’s by no means a perfect system but it’s fairly simple for a one man band.

Now this all may seem pretty rudimentary and maybe even lame. But I can now take a booking and do all the steps and send the confirmation back in under five minutes. This goes a long way toward making the customer comfortable.

Where are you annoyed with your office? What causes you stress?

My life is one of improvisation. I LIKE mayhem around me, I have a clown sense, I like things haphazard. Even when my office is clean it’s a bit crazy looking, there are spinning plates over here, a television painted bright orange with fuzzy rabbit ears over there. Two shelves of mad books and mad magazines, a closet spilling out costumes.

I have to figure out a way to keep my comfortable mayhem and still get to where I’m supposed to be.

The most important thing in the world to me is to be at a show on time and make a families event the most special I can. I work a lot on the funny but it won’t be special day if my customers are worried about me showing up.

With that in mind I made my booking process automatic. This works wonders for my clients. I hear over and over, “you’re so efficient” or “I appreciate how thorough you are” Efficiency is not natural for me. I also don’t like the nagging feeling of there is something I have to do. Or I forgot to send the contract I promised.

You can’t have mayhem and efficiency. I figured out a small way of keeping my mayhem in the important areas, I have efficiency.

Find a repetitive task in your booking process and standardize it. An email inquiry? Spend time writing and rewriting, or find a response you’ve used and particularly like, then copy and paste it into your response. Do you send thank yous after your shows? Make it standard and just add the persons name.

I am really unhappy with myself if I’m meaning to send a confirmation and haven’t or am avoiding my taxes. This takes my energy, I have very little creativity. Instead of writing jokes, I end up watching TV using the electronic drug to push down my annoyance.

Making things streamlined increases my well being and creativity.

I think these small things allow you to become a much funnier entertainer.

"Get Things Done Right Away. Get Them Off Your Plate."

When I first began, in those early days before internet, voice mail and cell phones, I used to use a thing called the mail. People would find my name in an ad in one of the Parent’s Magazines that are free at the children’s shoe stores and give me a call. Often these would be corporate jobs.

The strangest comment, (and I still find it strange), “thanks for calling me back, you are the only one that’s returned my call”.

What an odd world, where someone has to thank you for calling them back. I mean they are the ones with the cash, they are the ones allowing us to do our craft.

I used to offer to send a picture and a description. I’m not very organized and would scramble around writing things up and trying to remember where I put the little stack of photos I had. I would put it in that afternoon’s mail. Sometimes, I missed the mail, but mostly I tried to get it out before the end of the day.

Then I would get hired. Often, I was the only one that sent anything back to the client. Again, what an odd world where you get hired because you are the only one together enough to mail a letter.

I don’t really like that reason but I’ll take it. I would much rather be hired because I’m the funniest or I have the best resume. In the end, who cares how you get the work as long as you do a good job.

It’s just impolite to not return a call. It’s impolite to not send a letter if you’ve said you would. I’m certainly amazed by how many people don’t return my calls and emails but usually, I’m the one looking for the work they are the ones hiring, so I can’t do much.

I’m always checking myself on this one. I often don’t feel like sending a confirmation or returning a call. The biggest pay off I get, I don’t have to worry and fret, because it’s done.

If I get a call, I return it, even if I don’t feel like it. It’s just so much easier. Bam, it’s done, I can erase the voice mail message. No more mental energy.

This is an area of my life where, I’m pretty good. I don’t put myself above anyone here, people tell me I’m not much of a procrastinator. It’s the total opposite. I know that if I don’t get to something that minute, it will sit and become a “thing” in my life. I hate having “things” in my life. I procrastinate about many many things in my life. I just know myself.

I have a number of projects I am not dealing with. And they bother me! If I don’t start on it right away, it will sit and sit and sit, I’ll see them on my computer desktop and my actual desktop feeling guilty.

Work on having a nice empty plate. Your business will increase and you will look like the most responsible clown in the world. Return your calls within the hour and mail or email even faster. My promise. Your bookings will go up, your anxiety level will go down.

"Starting Your Children’s Entertainment Business"

Recently I’ve been hounded by this guy asking me how to get started, what it takes to make a living, can I help him get started in the children’s entertainment business.

You can approach the children’s entertainment business in a pretty scientific way, it’s not that difficult. What’s tough is following through and not taking it personally. It’s just you and a microphone up there, tough not to take it personally.

Here’s the science part of this.

Are you taking workshops? If no, why not? You may live in an area with not a lot of workshops but you can drive an hour or two, I’m sure there are places to take classes.

When you take a workshop, you can find out what people are doing. They will all lie about how successful they are but so what, you can read between the lines and start to figure it out. You will make connections learn what to do and if you listen learn what not to do.

Are you taking every volunteer opportunity that is available? If now, why not? That means, a church a school, a fundraiser calls. Say yes and do it. You need to have lots and lots of stage time, you need experience. Here’s a promise, you will not have great experiences doing charities. You can ask almost any entertainer why they stop doing charitable work and it’s likely because of how we are treated. So prepare, you might be treated like “they help”, you will be told to do things you know are wrong (go stand over there and make your little balloons...but there’s no one over there). They will bring food for all the volunteers and not give you a sandwich. Oh well, do it anyway.

Look. If you wanted to write for the New York Times, you would follow the same approach. Go to a good college, get a master’s degree, take advanced courses to become a better writer and make connections. Work at small publications, write wherever, whenever, in order to get experience, when you’re ready, you can apply for the New York Times.

Are you contacting professionals and asking questions? If no. Why not? Learn how to do what I do. But here is the mistake new people make, don’t copy me, you won’t be able to and you’ll look like an idiot. My character is mine, Robin Williams character is his, you have a unique character, get on stage and find it. Doing my character will make you look like an amateur because it is fake. (to you, not me, I’m wonderful just ask my mom). You can learn from me by asking “How do you start a show?” “How do you gather a crowd?” “What do you do if the kids get out of control?” I can answer these questions, I’ve been doing this a long time. I’ll even give you ideas.

You also have to start working cheap. Don’t be greedy, time will come to be greedy. For me, I don’t know when that is, I am still here taking every job I can get.

Are you a gossip. If so, why? Don’t talk badly about other performers. Learn from them and they will give you work. I have an old clown friend, we rely on each other to get work. Old fashioned but it works. A big chunk of my income comes from other performers passing on my name.

So, when you have some experience. You have a show, you know how to control kids. You need nice photos. Why? Because I can tell exactly how good you are from your pose and your photo. I know what to look for, a customer in their sub conscience will see something is off. Do a nice photo, don’t copy anyone’s pose be your own funny self, make sure you have laughing eyes. My photos tell a story of a clown that loves what he does and kids will run up to and hug. You can get all this in a hundredth of a second. The old saying a picture is worth a thousand words is true.

Make a simple web site. Don’t copy every other clown and magician, they generally look terrible. Copy Coke, Ford, University of Nebraska any place that has good designers. Find a nice site, that grabs you and follow that lead. Trust your gut. Make a nice simple site. Again, don’t copy, just capture the feeling. Think of colors that represent you.

And just like that you’ll start booking things. You’ll be an overnight success in three years or so, because that’s about how long it takes. Or longer, hey, I’m still figuring it out.

But it’s fun and no matter how I fight, I can’t stop doing this for a living.

"My Fan Raul"

I know a young man that is very sick, I see him a number of times over the year. His name is Raul.

I was sort of surprised, because Raul is about 14. My usual fans run the wide age range of 3 to 7 and everything in between, not a lot of 14 year olds dig clowns. Raul is also a big kid. Football big. He is 14 and already stand 6 foot something. So, it's kind of cool this kid adores me so much.

Raul lives at Family House which houses families while their children are in treatment at UC San Francisco Med Center, UCSF Children's Hospital. All his cousins are there too. They think of this whole living is San Francisco thing with their sick cousin as a giant adventure. They are from the Central Valley in California about a hundred plus miles from here.

Last Thanksgiving, when I was visiting Family House, Raul had to spend the night in the hospital. He was crazy upset, refusing to be in the hospital, apparently seeing me was really important to him. Pretty incredible, that I would have such a loyal fan or maybe he just hates doctors and nurses at this point. I'll take it that he loves me.

I went to visit Raul in the hospital the next day. But he was in chemo when I went to his room, so I was dragged by another parent into a different room to say hi to their daughter. Which I did. I shouldn't say "dragged" once I'm there, it's a kick to see the kids there. I suppose that sounds a bit crass but kids always make me laugh. I don't see tubes and IV's I see their eyes laughing under oxygen masks. I don't tend to get very moved while in the hospital, I am only moved when I write about what I saw.

The funny thing about being a clown in a hospital, no one questions anything I do. I can just wander wherever, which is a problem because I can and I will. I can get into all sorts of problamatic situations, hospitals are foreign places. As a clown, I like foreign places, I try and get to the root of why it's foreign. But I know my job there is to see the kids.

So, I made this little girl laugh, she was on respirators, ventilators, vaporizers and other medical devices ending in ors.

I was heading back to see Raul. A team of very serious women decended upon me, dragging me (Boswick the clown) into a room. "why did you go in there?" "That's a quarantine room" "Who told you you could go in there?" Um...the nurses asked me to go in. I just go where I'm told and in case you haven't noticed I'm a clown!

Then I was kicked out and because I had gone into a quarantine room, I couldn't visit Raul. I wasn't even allowed to get my little case, they brought it to me and escorted me away. Foot in the behind nearly.

I'm not great with authority but I held it in check, because you know...it's kids. And I would like to visit again.

So, now Raul, who didn't want to stay in the hospital, because he wanted to see me, didn't get to see me.

I quickly made a video for him. It was pretty cool. it was a 3 minute thing tallking to him and doing a couple of magic tricks. He to liked it. He sent me an email saying so. But you know, even though he's sick, he's 14 and doesn't talk much.

Last year I did a theatre show for kids and set one show up for Raul. He can't be around other kids because he has no immunity. There he was, a giant 14 year old kid, smiling away. His crazy cousins filling out the audience.

You know, it's neat what I do. Sometimes I get in trouble but you know, Raul is one sick kid and maybe for a hour he can forget about bone marrow transplants and nurses drawing blood. His mom, hardly speaks English and you can tell she is pushed here and there by the hospital staff. It was nice to see her smile. It was nice to see Raul smile. It was nice to see Raul's cousins smile.

"When Clowns Make Rules..."

“Clowns Protecting Clowns...uh huh?”


When I got out of Clown College, there was a big uproar and protest for the movie, Shakes The Clown. Still a bit baffled by the protests and how simply weird that appears.

Why would a clown protest...um...anything? Clowns are pretty much one step ahead of protests. Clowns make fun of normal things like protesters.

So, I had just left Ringling Brothers Clown College and was completely baffled by the idea of protecting the image of the clown. I mean, who cares? I don’t want bad clowns around but again, bad clowns just don’t get work, good clowns do It all gets sorted out.

I started noticing a very strange concept in the world of clowning, the world of rules and regulations.

There is a set of rules by either Clown’s of America and The World Clown Association. These organizations are there to organize events, oversea rules for clubs, they have a monthly magazine and offer advice. Great organizations for the amateur clown, that is clowns that want to put on make up as a hobby.

Rules: things like “don’t smoke while in costume” “don’t eat while in costume” “don’t swear”

Generally speaking, I’m not for clowns smoking but I can think of reasons I might as a clown, it might be a pretty outrageous way of getting laughs or reflecting bad habits in society. Because it would annoy the %$#$ out of one of these rule following clowns, I might do it, it would be really funny.

I don’t swear, as a person and a personal choice, I don’t swear. As a clown, I work with the pretty young, so I wouldn’t do that as per my own rule. But, it would be pretty funny to see a swearing smoking clown.

I was thinking about Yucko the Clown Howard Stern regular and the Damn Show on MTV. He’s a disgusting swearing, racist clown. I don’t think he smokes but he should.

What’s pure clown about him is that he makes us uncomfortable about what we think we know about the world. When we hear him spout racial invectives, it’s confronting to our self righteousness. It’s a brilliant clown move. In a world that goes so far as declaring there is no more racism (uh, huh, sure...)he is over the top crazy racist, with clown make up.

With clown make up, you don’t take that person seriously but if a clown is shouting out horrible comments, it’s awful but is making you laugh because it’s so absurd. Or maybe you are agreeing. And that should be pretty confronting as well, take a look at yourself.

So, how can you have rules?

You can’t, unless they are personal, (like mine where I won’t swear). At the same time, clowning is an artistic discipline and it has rules of form and action. Jackson Pollack had rules within his anarchy of art. If you don’t know Jackson Pollack, he’s the one that originated paint splatters, you may know him as artist people say “this is 5 million dollars, my five year old could do that”.

Blanket rules like “don’t smoke” are useless to the clown. You want to make a pretty powerful statement break those rules.

"More Special Folks I Encounter"

I've been visiting families for the last number of years, at a little place called Family House.

If you want to be inspired, go look them up. http://familyhouseinc.org/

I visit at for a Thanksgiving celebration and for a holiday celebration. The children all have my videos. We laugh a lot.

I live pretty close to Family House, so I also see the people that work there; sometimes at the bank or waiting in line to vote.

Here's what Family House is. It is a place where families live while their children are in care for cancer at UC San Francisco Children's Hospital. Not all children have cancer, there are a lot of diseases, there are all sorts of awful diseases, extra awful if they effect children and disrupt families.

The people that work at Family House are always smiling. They are upbeat, positive and just fun to be around. You just want to be around these people. It's what I understand it's like to be around the Dalai Lama. Just pure positive energy.

Here's the thing. Children don't always make it that live at Family House; these are very sick children. Many children get better, but certainly more pass on than should. Through all this, the staff and volunteers treat the families with love and a smile. No one is judged, no one pays to be there, no one has to look for parking or find a baby sitter for their other children.

Here's the only thing that drives me crazy at Family House. They think I'm really wonderful for visiting. They think I'm pretty nifty for doing what I do. I think they are pretty nifty for doing what they do. To me it's no comparison. I leave after an hour or 90 minutes. I go home and watch TV. They are there all the time.

Children are a big deal in my world. I am really into the protection of children. These folks at Family House... I bow to them as superior humans.

It's a gift to be able to be around folks like this. My payment is just being there. It's really something when you can say about your job, pay or no pay, I'll be there. That's who they are, that's who I am.

I meet a lot of special people in my line of work. It's a gift when I do, I'm reminded, I'm really lucky, I get to be around the people of Family House.

"Waiting Around with Butterflies in My Tummy..."

It's a slow weekend for me. It's a 3 day weekend, which almost always means it will be slow.

I don't know a lot of people that go away for the long weekend but I assume lots of people do, I think that's why it's always slow; people assuming other folks are going away, so why plan an event?

I only have one gig this week, which makes me totally antsy. I need to work, like a shark needs to swim, I crave the stage. When I'm not working my mind goes to ugly places, like, you'll never work again. Or It's been a good run bub.

Luckily I have a nice little gig this afternoon. It's a birthday for a 3 year old young man. I'm happy to be there, I'm happy to make some money and happy to be a clown.

But the less gigs on my calendar, the more and more intense it gets. For a guy that's done thousand and thousands of shows, each time I go, I feel like it's the first time out, the first time in make up the first time on stage. I get nervous.

And this effects my day. My show today is at 4, which really messes me up, because I could totally do a household project, I could paint the kitchen. I could take my kids bowling, watch a movie, come back and go do my show. But I sort of put around doing small things, like make the bed, do some dishes, mail a letter.

Nervousness makes me quite useless.

The nice thing when I have too many shows in one day or one week, I get super productive. I suddenly fit in all sorts of big projects. I edit videos, I repaire stuff around the house, take the car in for repair.

So, today, I'll force myself to get a bit of exercise, maybe even let myself off the hook a bit and just enjoy the puttering around...

"The Power of the Clown"

You can't find anyone that doesn't have a strong feeling toward the clown. Love em or hate em, you have an opinion.

Being a clown, I'm a bit at a loss to say why someone would not find me totally adorable and hilarious. So, I speak from the inside looking out and ponder.

I think clowns are powerful. And to quote Spiderman the movie, with great power, comes responsibility.

What I love about the clown; Clowns cross cultural, educational, ethnic boundaries. When you see a clown, you expect antics, mischief and laughter.

That sort of prewritten script is strong.

And there are many many folks that approach being a clown, because they are at heart, exhibitionists. Not in the weird sexual way but I encounter a ton of people that will try to be weird around me, they will dance, blow bubbles in the middle of the street. It's odd, it's not clowning.

You can be weird with my craft and freak people out or you can take time to learn it. I can teach just about anyone to make a balloon animal, juggle three balls or do a magic trick. But that's not clowning. Have fun and take some lessons.

You have a lot of power as a clown, use it wisely.

"It's Cool to Be a Clown"

Ok, maybe not "cool" but unusual... I get called cool a lot.

I'm at an event and a teenager says, oh a clown, you're so cool. Or, "is this your job?" "Oh, you're so cool".

I'm a big ol nerd. I have no illusion of my cool factor, I have none. Cool people dated in high school, not me. Cool people played sports not me, I was singing in My Fair Lady for the Pacific High School Players. Cool people rode motorcycles in high school. I had a bright yellow 1972 VW bug.

And now, unless modern science improves immensely, I'm on the other side of middle age. Cool people my age are dating 22 year olds and driving Porches. I've been married almost 20 years and have a mini van and a bright red Toyota Yaris with Ralph Wigam on the antennae. Cool people are tan from trips to Tahiti or South America. I'm pasty hairy and my last trip was Fresno. Cool people wear cool clothes, sports coats, designer sunglasses and snazzy footwear. I have a rotating jean collection and a lot of vacation style shirts. In fact, I generally walk around looking like I'm a tourist.

My sons get rabid when someone finds out what I do and they say I'm cool. They actually yell, "he's not cool. He's a clown!" Their friends look at them blankly. "That's why he's cool."

So at best I march to the beat of an offbeat drum. Not cool. Just different.

I tend to be a bit lost in life. I can notice incredible detail and completely miss the obvious. I've been really shocked to learn there were girls in high school and college that thought I was cute. Completely oblivious.

I think people think I'm cool because I have an unusual profession. I would say artist but I don't feel like one, I just do what I do, it happens to be with a red nose and big shoes.

I guess being an individual is cool.

But to me...the Porche and 22 year old are cool!