Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Why Oh Why Do I Get So Nervous?....

I get stage fright. All the time, in fact, it's constant in my life.

I shouldn't say constant; I get relief while I'm performing and after my shows, it's blissful I'm just at peace. The next morning it starts right back up, I'm afraid of not being ready, being late, forgetting props, doing a bad job (that's the big one!)

To put this in context, I've been doing this for 23 years. My best guess, I'm nearing 10,000 shows. Yikes, that's quite a number.

I have to say this is no way for a grown person to live. Living in a state of fear? Man that's unpleasant.

So what drives me?

I often dream of other jobs. Mostly, I tend to dream of what it would be like to be a person that carries a briefcase to work instead of a bag of balloons. I dream of what would it be like to know exactly the situation every day. I see lights on in office buildings at night and I muse "what in the world would someone be doing at work at 10 at night?" Or, I'm waiting for a plane and someone has a spreadsheet open on their laptop and they seem to be working and understanding what all the boxes mean.

Seems kind of nice.

But I have this drive, I need to be seen. I also need to be my own boss. And here's the big secret for a guy that does for a living what most people fear the most (public speaking). Underneath, I'm scared. I'm always afraid. I'm afraid people will think I'm not good enough.

On the other hand, it's pretty cool to make people laugh. It's pretty neat to be mildly famous.

Just call me the nervous clown!

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