Dealing with the sadness...

I have never really talked about this out-loud but I have pretty severe depression.

I don't think it's a surprise to my family, cause, you know, it's hard to hide that.

Although, hide I do.

So, basically, how I deal with depression is an addiction to performing.  Performing gives an intense high.  People slapping me on the back, laughter, people saying I'm wonderful, handing me cash, tipping me for being so funny.  It's fun, like eating dessert for dinner.

Then there are the slow times.  The times, I'm not working.

And when it's slow, it's tough.  The world sits on my chest and I slowly sink into the earth.

And it's hard to pick up the phone...

And it's hard to return an email...

And it's hard to get out of bed...

I'm a very smart lab rat though.  I create patterns.  Every day, I make my bed, do dishes and clean the house.

Here's the method to get me going. I time myself.  I try to do all the dishes in 2 minutes (never happens.  I have never owned a dishwasher.  This is old school, dishpan hands stuff).

I run around cleaning up the house, I set the timer for five minutes, I sweep, I pick up, and wipe down counters and run to the garbage can.  This gets me moving and out of my head.

In the old days, I was Mr. Mom.  Now,  my children don't need me, at least not much.

What's always kept me from sinking fully are the children.

There are no more field trips, reading to classrooms, running to school with the forgotten lunch boxes.
In the mix, my crown as king of clowns was stolen.  I was really good at being the best at business cards and advertising and mailings.  I worked more than anyone I knew.  At my best, I consistently did 6 or more shows, each and every week.  If you have that many, there are little chores to do.  Phone calls to return.

Unfortunately, that's old school clowning.  The new breed of clown, is really good at Yelp and has thousands of Facebook followers.  I'm not good at this part.  My job is to serve my customers, not for them to serve me.  The Yelp model has is a little arm twisting to get reviews.  I've tried it and I don't like myself when I do it.

Maybe there really are tears of a clown.  The thing is, I'm not hiding anything when I clown, I am genuinely happy to make people laugh.


It's the tears of the man that suck.