Excuse Me Waiter...There's a Reporter in My Soup...

The last 3 days, I had an embedded reporter with me all day each of the days.  

For three days, I did shows, he watched as I performed.  He watched, as my son came home from school and I said, "how was your day?"  I showed him how I put on make-up and collect money for my performances.  

I showed him my underwear drawer.  Why? Because I'm an idiot but I also am very proud of the fact that I will only wear Simpson boxers.  Yes, proud.  

I thought the article was about clowns.  I thought the article was about the world of clowns.  

The article is about me.  After a lot of interviews.  I didn't know that.  I slowly got it. There will be other people mentioned but I'm the feature of the thing.  What a strange feeling.  I feel so undeserving.  I also feel like of course it's me.  This feeling is a lot like being a clown.  As a clown you live in two worlds.  The lie that is clowning. Come on, I'm wearing a rubber nose a costume and make up.  

Yet, I really would love to be taken seriously.  

Two very different worlds. 

I'm processing what all this means, doesn't mean, how normal I am and how abnormal.  It's all come together in one long weekend. 

Being in conversation about my life and my "theories" of clowns, clowning wakes me to the view that I see the world in a way others don't.  

I honestly didn't know that.  

Every time I hear, "oh, I don't like clowns"  or "I'm afraid of clowns"  it's the first time.  It's like the first time.  

I realized I'm taken aback each and every time.  As much as I deal with this and talk about it.  It's new every time.  Weird.  

I also mess up my life, because I think everyone wants to be noticed and famous.  These two things drive my very being.  I only write this blog so that I am noticed.  In my head right now, there are thousands of people hanging on my words.  I wish this were just a joke but that's my feeling.  

I have a lot of work to do with a good friend from this weekend.  I forced the reporter on her.  She didn't want it.  That never ever occurred to me. I thought she'd love the attention.  She didn't and I'm a dick.  Yikes.  

Who knew.  

I do have a feeling today I'm in the right line of work.  It's something I question each day.  Finding out not everyone feels like I do is strange.  I'm a clown.  That's all I know.  That's what I do.