It Takes Chutzpah to Be A Clown!

I got a call from a fellah that wanted to do a surprise at his restaurant for one of his bartender's birthdays.

These calls come in from time to time, someone has a "fear" of clowns (see nearly every other post on here to see how I feel about that).  They think it will be funny to scare a co-worker.

I tried to pawn it off on some other performers. I wasn't available the time he needed.  One guy, I've been taking classes with didn't want to do it, which surprised me, I'm a say "yes" to everything guy.  Always shocks me when people turn stuff down.  I wasn't available for the time he wanted.  The idea of saying no, baffles me.

I asked another person, who thought it was a hoot but she had a teaching conflict.  That's my kind of clown.

This guy...we'll call him Ben...because that's his name.  Was adamant.  He wanted me, he was emailing and calling.

He rearranged the schedule to have me do the gag on Monday late afternoon.

You're asking ...The gag?

Go into a bar, as a traditional clown. order a drink, don't interact much with the bartender, just you had a really bad bad day.

I agreed and spent that day with a nervous stomach.  I'm always nervous...

I went in as angry clown.  I brought a clown nose my dog had gotten to.  It was a little chewed up around the edges and the string was broken.  I knew I could use it blaming the kids

I said, "I know this looks weird but this is the worst day of my life, I want a Jameson."  while she's pouring, I say, "let me have a beer too."

She was so nice.  She kept asking is everything ok.  I let out little bits of how tired I am of trying to take care of spoiled kids.  I've wasted my life.  I'm moving to Portland, where it's cheaper to live.  (that's what people always say in San Francisco).  She said she had taught preschool. (I told you she was nice)

I sipped my whiskey, I took balloon animals out of my pocket and broke them one at a time.  I took my business card and tore them up.

A slow burn.  She wanted a balloon animal, I gave her one.  saying, "I promise this is the last balloon I'm ever making. "

I made fun of the dishwasher, I made fun of the other people at the bar.  I was a dick.  I called the dishwasher a hobbit because he was short.

Then I walked out without paying.  (this is what the owner wanted).  But she didn't chase me.  Damn. I was standing outside the restaurant, waiting for her to chase me.

I walked back in, she was so nice.  "Do you want another?  Here's the bill."  I said, "you're going to make me pay after the day, I've had?"  She didn't know what to do.  I said, "do I have to tip too?  I gave you a balloon."  She said.  "you don't have to tip"

I handed her a $20 bill that had something written from the owner.  She said "oh my God!"  everyone poured out from the kitchen, laughing.  It was like a TV show.  It was great.

The best part for me.  She asked if I really worked with kids?

And that's clowning.  It's pointing out absurdity and going with it.

Clowns are extreme versions of ourselves.  This is the best example of that.  Extreme versions are absurd.

Yes, I was nervous and the thought of drinking whiskey while in make up is against what I do (generally).  But it worked.

It was a gag but I felt like an artist.

Clown Closure... Or Fame, What Fame?

Exactly one year ago, I was about to be famous.  My life changed.

Have a TV show...

Do shows around the world...

Be a guest on Terry Gross...

This profile of me came out last May  http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2015/05/fears-of-boswick-the-clown.html

I mean.  Come on.  Executives in New York are going to have to see this and notice how funny I am.

For a year, nothing has happened.  I mean.  Nothing.  I was mentioned on Twitter a bit.  No other writers followed up.  No TV shows, no one asking me to fly in to do their kid's faire.

This last week, I went to New York for my sons college graduation.  (So proud...so sad).  One of the things I really had to do was meet with Benjamin the writer of the story.  I have had so many conversations with him in my head.  I've had so many nights that I was mad at myself for doing the wrong thing.  Saying the wrong thing.  Bringing him to the wrong place.  Why didn't I set up more shows? He didn't see me do any large school shows, a place where I kill.

I met Benjamin for lunch.  He was an entirely different person.  Because he wasn't focused on me, he was just this super nice, smart interesting guy, who knows a lot about me.  But we're not friends.

I left our lunch with a sense of relief.  As important as I think I am.  To him, it was a story.  He may like me, he may like what I do.  But I have effected him very little.  What I want is to effect people and events.  It's important to me.

So for the year while I waited for someone to notice me.  I have become a clown no forward momentum.

This is why closure is so important.   I can move forward.  I can work on my latest joke book.  I haven't worked on my video blog in way over a year.  I love video.  My videos are also very funny.

It was cool to have this thing done about me.  I'm not as important as I think.

But what I love doing is being creative.  I stopped being creative this past year.  Writing joke books, making funny videos, working on a script for a children's tv show.  All things I do.  I need them in order to feel like myself.  I am pretty classic in my depression.  I've always suffered from it.  How I cope is to create.  It's like taking drugs.  Which is probably true.  I imagine when I get focused and excited about a project, I get a little burst of adrenaline in my blood stream, feels good.

As busy as this last week was. My son graduating, seeing him as much as I could.  Seeing people I haven't seen in a while.  Exploring New York.  I am glad I made closure a priority.  I highly recommend it.  

You're Up. The Big Audition...

I had an audition on Monday for the TV show Sense 8.

I got the audition on a Thursday.  Told them the time was wrong because I teach my clowning class at a high school.

I used to audition a lot.  I'd move life, kids, shows, school, seeing my mother...everything to go to the audition.

this time I didn't care.  I only get one or two of these a year so the odds are really stacked against me.

Which is no excuse.

All very good stories in my brain.

I had a script to practice.  I didn't even look at it till the day before.  Then did some small memorizing, thinking who cares anyway I'm not getting this.

It turns out, it is a really good part.  the person auditioning me, said I have a really good quality for the character they are looking for.

But I was ill prepared.

I forgot my rules.  if you are going to do it. Do it well.  You are not only trying to do a good job but impress the casting person. The casting person is the one that can think of you the next time.

I did not fully memorize the script.  I was ok but so so.  I also should have broken down the script, made acting choices on each line.

Blown opportunity.  I am so mad at myself.  There is no one to blame but me.  Preparing for an audition is really good acting practice.  Even if I didn't get the part, a good opportunity to just practice the craft of acting.

oy.

My New Friend...

Have I talked about being an extra?

No.

OK.  It's something I try to do because I'm in the Screen Actors Guild and it pays pretty well.  They are a little hard to land but it's sort of fun to sit around a movie set and eat M & Ms all day.

And sometimes you meet interesting people.

This is a movie called Etruscan Smile.  (of course subject to change.  That's a terrible name by the way).

We shot in a hospital in San Francisco.  I was in the background visiting someone in the hospital.

I sat in a room with fake nurses, fake doctors, fake family and fake patients.

we sat and sat.  I listened to as many podcasts as I could stand, then I struck up a conversation with the fellah next to me.

He didn't seem that interesting to me.  An older fellah. He was in a hospital gown with a fake I.V. and  a tube running up his nose.

We started talking acting.  It was pretty interesting.

Then he said, he had takes some time off to do a clown training.  I casually said, "who did you study with"

I don't tend to reveal my true identity.  It's a lot of work and explanation.

He said, Clown College then he toured with Ringling Brothers.

Me too!  says I.

We were off and running.  Because we were there for 9 hours before they needed us.  (yes NINE).  We talked and talked and shared memories and clown gags.

It was so fun.  He was from another clown era.  My training experience with clowning has mostly been very serious.  When I discuss clowning, I am often overly thoughtful about the concepts.

Len had toured in the 70s with Lou Jacobs and Otto Griebling.  Legends.

And Len just made me happy to be a clown.

We didn't talk about the state of clowning or my theories of why my income has gone down or why people "say" they are afraid of clowns.

It was just who we had seen, traveling in the circus. puns and laughing.

Len lives about 60 or 70 miles from me but I decided I'm going to be his friend.

I don't do this often.  But I need him in my life.  A clown that isn't serious.   Isn't that strange?  I just want to laugh about the old times.  I want to watch Buster Keaton with someone just for fun.

We've emailed 10 times since I saw him a few days ago.  I think we needed each other in our lives.

People are interesting.  The person next to you might be the most interesting person in the world.  And he is.

There's Trouble Out The Portholes...

Let's just say I'm having some eye issues.

You may ask but I don't want to go into the gory details.

Well if you insist.  Basically my eyes get scratched very easily and it hurts like a $%^ when it happens.  And it always happens when I'm asleep and my eyes move.

So after being passed from eye doctor to eye doctor.  They figured out the problem.

The treatment is annoying and well.  Painful.

Essentially buffing my eyeballs.





Are you still with me.

As I sat in my self imposed prison cell wondering how my life turned out this way.  (my bedroom was darkened.  I couldn't look at a TV, computer, phone because the light hurt.  I ran out of podcasts.  My dog lay next to me.)

Why me why me why me.

As I waited for St. Peter to call me.  I had to recover enough for a show.

And for all my complaining and feeling sorry for myself and hating the medical profession.  It feels so good to make people laugh.

it's what I do.  I'm good at it and it's what I live for.

Adrenaline will get you through anything.  i was able to keep my eyes open and my mouth moving.  It goes up and down and what comes out is pretty outrageous.

Then I return to my little prison cell.  Dog on my lap and an ice pack on my eyes.

Do you think they have open mic nights in heaven?  I'll keep working on my act. 

The Problem With Santa...

I have mixed feelings about being Santa.

I bring a wealth of performing experience to being Santa.  I bring him to life.  I have removed sarcasm, cynicism from my diet.

When I'm Santa.

You would not believe it that underneath all of this is Boswick the clown.

Because I've been a performer for so long. I can read situations, body language.  I can improvise, I can make people laugh.

Mostly it's a lot of fun.

I did one event for a senior center this year.  I wanted to cry when I looked around and saw what I was bringing.  I'm not very present to what I bring, as a performer.  I'm working so hard to do comedy and stay focused.  With Santa, I realized, I am covered by beard, I can look around and see what's happening.

Some seniors were crying.  Not our of sadness but memory.  I could feel it.  They were reliving the may Christmases they had with their husbands, their children.  And here they were.  Who imagines themselves in assisted living one day.

There really is a a magic to Santa.  To make a senior smile like they are 7 years old is really something.

On the other side...I see families in stress.

Mostly I see families at birthday parties most of the year.  People are so happy at their child's party.

At Christmas, people are snippy, sometimes angry, they drink too much.

I don't like this side.  As a person, I really don't like conflict, I don't like families fighting.  When I was young, there was a lot of fighting.  When my parents divorced, it was quiet.  Very quiet.

I get sent out a lot as a prop.  Companies want Santa, so you interact for hours at a time.  It's pretty limiting.  On the other side you visit people that time forgets.  Seniors, sick children, poor children.

And middle class.  And incredibly wealthy.

The highs and lows.

My favorite was the last.  All adults, men married to men, women married to women and just happy to be together.  We sang, I read the night before Christmas and handed out presents.  Families are fun. Families that are created are super special.  No fighting.  Just love.

And two funny looking dogs.

It was the best. 

The Show That Was...

I'm not very good at tooting my own horn. Well a little.

But I have to say, my show each year lets me toot away.

That just sounded like a fart joke.  Which it sort of is.

toot.

Some of the things I am happy with about my show.  I ended up doing a 90 minute kids show.  That's really pretty remarkable for one person to keep the attention of an audience for that long.  Let alone have enough material.  Not only did I have enough material, I could have done more, there were routines I skipped.

Toot.

I found a new opening for my show which made me really happy.  I came running on with my clown shirt, bow tie, clown shoes and a robe.  I welcomed everyone and said it's been such a mad house with Christmas I knew I forgot something.  I took off the robe and I was in my giant boxers.

Trying to put on your pants in front of kids is just so funny.  I dropped my pants over and over.  I really liked that.  In the past, I have gone through a whole gyration of getting dressed.  This was just pants and underwear, that's what I wanted.

Toot

One thing that I do and do really well.  I interview kids.  It's a skill I've honed over the years.  How to get the kids warmed up then let them answer questions.  I brought along my sound system and used it with my microphone to let kids talk.  It was really funny.  When one kid said his dad sold Oxygen.  That was the best.  I was able to reference that for the rest of the show.  Because selling air is just funny.

Toot

I've always wanted to have a TV show, Kid's Say the Darndest Things.  But you know, not having a whole lot of luck selling shows.

The set looked great.  The theatre was beautiful and my sons did a great job helping me with the show.  (they run lights, run the light board, go through the light cues with me, run box office, move my props)

Toot

I broke even.  I made something like $45.  My sons each made a few hundred each.  I would have to hire someone anyway.  I'm glad they make money.

Toot

Here are the things that kill me.  Like other years, I offer my show as a fundraiser to schools.  I only had 7 people take advantage of that.  It irritates me.

I had a hard time this year getting audience.  The longer I'm a clown, the less people want to see me.  I did the press release.  Just hard to get people out.

It's fun to do what I do.  And I'm going to say, I'm really good at it.  I also realized, if I could narrow down what I want to be doing.  It's theatre shows with families laughing.  I would love to work on this show for 5 shows a week for a month and get the timing down and how to get more laughs.

I now have a fear that one day I'm going to find my success and I'm going to be too old to fall off of a chair.

tooooooot.