Stuff I Do...

I can't eat an orange by peeling it and eating the little wedges.  I hate it.

But I love oranges if they are sliced but it has to be in 8ths.  I love oranges that way.

I only wear boxers.  I only wear boxers with images of the Simpsons on them.

Which has become a problem because they stopped making them.  There was a time you could get them at Target.  Now it's a specialty order.

I wear a T-shirt everyday but it has to be a v-neck.  Unless I'm going casual then it's one solid color with a little pocket over the left side.  I call these formal T-Shirts.

I cut my own hair.  I hate barbers and hair salons.  I just sort of gouge at the back.  Luckily, my hair is frizzy so who cares.

If I have a gig at a hotel.  I'll steal all the pens I can get my hands on.  If I stay at a motel, I will steal the little note pads and pens.  If I pass a maid's cart. My heart beats really fast and I'll steal 2 pens.

I only wear gold toe white socks.  I mean, sometimes, I have to dress nicely or perform, then I wear funny colored socks. If I perform I have to have long striped socks, even though no one sees them.

I hate jewelry.  I can't wear it.  I can wear watches, I hate the feel.

If I'm performing, I have to wear a watch.  It irritates me and makes me pay attention.

For my make up, I only use Johnson and Johnson baby powder because that's what they gave us at Clown College.

I shave in the car with my electric razor.  If I've got no place to be, I won't shave.  If I can drive, I'll shave.

I keep a toothbrush in the car.  I brush my teeth a lot while driving.  No toothpaste.  No place to spit.

I use spiral notebooks but only about 5 pages at a time.  I have them all over the house from classes I take or jokes I write.  I can throw them away in fear there is something brilliant in there.

I hate pencils.

I'm a germaphobe but I'll eat stuff off the floor if it will get a laugh.

I know how to light a fart but I haven't done it in 25 years.

And I've never fired a gun.