My Battle To Get An Agent Part III....

I'm a little taken aback.  Had a call this morning from Look Talent to come in to meet.

That clears all the clouds from my head.  I was feeling sort of down about myself.

I have an audition

I like to do the game on my own terms.  That's a hard way to live.

Sure, I've been able to eek out a living all these years but there are places it's so much easier to just do what people tell you and not do it your own way.

I used my resources for getting an agent.  I spent hours going over my resume and the format.  I sent it to Elle, (my son's girlfriend that works in a talent agency) to critique.  I did exactly what she told me.  No judgment, just do what she said.

Now, Look wants to see me.  She said prepare a monologue.

I've been working on my monologue for a few days getting it memorized.  Now it's time to work on it back and forth and side to side.  Do all the actor stuff.  Backstory, intentions, beats.  I tend to be a lazy actor because I have a lot of stage time and I'm "charming" on stage.  It's what I hear a lot.  I've got a little boys sensibilities.  So, I'm likable.

Which is great for TV commercials.

The rest of the game, I just have to do no questions...

I need new photos.  There are all these places you publish your photos, resume, special skills.  I have never bought into it too much.  If they need a mime, I figure they'll call.  

Here's the thing.  I really like performing.  More than that, I need to perform, it's what keeps me going and fighting my internal demons.  Auditions are little performances.  I get that little high of a performance.

This is exciting.  I've had a commercial agent for 15 plus years.  Now it's time to take it seriously.

Gonna Write a Book Today...

As my two followers know, it's hard for me to get motivated.  Hard to get moving.

I was taking a shower (because I'm fancy).  Here is a preview of my body.

what a man...

I'm just having a hard time moving the last few...(years.  damn, who am I kidding?)

I says to my self I says...I'll write a book today.

So I am.  That's sort of all it takes really.  You just say, I'll write a book and you do it.

Actually I have a great comedy book I've put aside.  I think it's really funny but no publishers wanted to touch it.  I sent out the idea years ago and got a bunch of no thank yous.

The big book of snotty comebacks.  It's comebacks to normal questions.  No connection to Snappy answers to stupid questions.  Any such connection is a lie and merely coincidence.

I wrote this thing years ago when I was substitute teaching.  I know that 4th grade boys (which I have the same mental level).  Would love the snottiness of this book.

My ideal is to get this into Scholastic.  Because you know all those book fairs.  4th graders would love it. I'd make a million dollars and I'd be done.

Actually, it would be just cool.

So, today I'll write a book.  It will be snotty but today, I'll write a book.  

Can You Make a Balloon Funny?

If you are a family entertainer, you can get so many laughs with repetition.  

For me, I juggle then hit myself in the head with a juggling club.   I can't believe that just happened, I'll do it again.  I'll look at the juggling club and to my disbelief it happens again.  

This is fundamental to the clown.  Emmett Kelly sweeping the light.  It's repetition.  He fights the light, it doesn't do what he wants it to do.  Over and over. 

On Captain Kangaroo Mr Moose would tell a joke and ping pong balls fell from the ceiling.  I loved that when I was 5. 

On Pee Wee Herman.  The secret word.  Everyone screams.  This happens over and over. 

Here's the subtlety and the hardest part.  You have to do it slightly different each time or it's frustrating to the audience.  "just blow up the balloon"  or "just sit down"  That happens because it's the exact same mistake over and over, it's frustrating to watch.  

You take a balloon, try and blow it up it snaps and hits you in the eye.  You get mad at the balloon.  Next time, snap yourself in the other eye, in the nose, in the chest, in the underarm, in the backside, in the knee, in the forehead then hold the back of your head...

How many ways can you think of not (knot!) trying a balloon.  You blow up a balloon, then let it go.  Do that again and watch it go around the room.  Do it and hand it to someone it flies around the room, you tie the wrong end, it deflates in your hand.  You tie it but not for real and watch it fly around the room.  You tie the wrong end and watch the balloon fly all over the place.  You tie it and your finger is caught in the knot and when you let go it flies around the room.  You tie the balloon before blowing up the balloon, then you can't blow up the balloon.  

Have some old gross balloons and spill them, have the children help you pick them up.  They hand you one, you drop another.  Put one under your chin when they hand you another that one falls out.  Put the one they gave you in your pocket but you miss your pocket.  When you're handed a balloon, put it under your arm, it will fall when you lift your arm.  Put a balloon on the side of your table so it falls off when you place it there.  

It you look at it.  These are all the exact same joke.  The repetition is what makes it funny.  

My Battle To Get An Agent ....part II

I've had a commercial acting agent for 15 or more years.  She retired and closed up her company.  I've been working on my resume and cover letter for days.  I started off slowly, grumbling under my breath about how lame my life has become.  To this is pretty fun.  I can't wait to do more auditions.

I went through all the pay stubs from all the commercial acting I've ever done.

It's pretty nifty.  Lots of things I actually forgot about.

I did a thing for BMW where I'm a mime, the car goes by and I say "WOW"  That was neat.

I did a thing for Safeway stores where I talk about all the St Patrick's Day recipes we have.  The fun of that job.  We shot it at a huge Safeway in the middle of the night.  People came up to me asking where items were.

I did a thing for Harvard teaching people to not harass co-workers.  I don't think it worked.

My first commercial was for The Smart Yellow Pages.  That played for 3 years.  I had a stack of residual payments.  It didn't seem like a big deal at the time.  I would get checks for $300 some every other month.  But that's a bunch in the end.

I just sent off the last letter to the agencies in San Francisco.

I was at the All Star Game. They hired Union Actors because we appeared on TV.  

From a Commercial For Nissan

I did what I never do.  I asked for help.  My son's girlfriend works in an agency in NYC.  I asked her to look at the letter for me and my resume.

She gave me small tips and said it would get past the receptionist in her agency.  That's good to know.

Lesson:  Got an expert in your life.  Ask for help.

I've preemptively begun working on my audition monologue.

It's from the play Harvey.  It's fun and whimsical.

I'll do that and a magic trick.  That always gets me in the door.

As I grumbled through this process I am realizing I'm excited about auditioning again.  About giving this a try.

Auditions are terrible.  And not for the reason you think.  What's awful is you think and think about it as you walk to your car.  Then you go to bed and say "I should have..."  "Why didn't I..."  And for days after till it slowly disappears.

They are always very nice in auditions, they really want you to do well.  It's not like they show on tv.


Wish me luck.  

Respect The Balloon Animal...

I have seen amazing balloon creations in my life.  I saw a picture of a two story soccer match made from balloons in Germany.  

There is a group that makes a full sized haunted house. 

Its amazing.  

The first time I saw someone make a curly snake with a balloon, my mind was blown.  (so to speak)

My friend Greg does a simple routine in his stage show with a balloon and a kid spinning a ball.  The balloon is just a doggy balloon.  

Greg tries to blow it up, gets caught on his finger.  Eventually he gives it to a kid.  Huge applause.  

There is an amazing performer here in San Francisco; Scotty Meltzer.  

He does a comedy routine for 8 minutes with a kid and a balloon. He's a juggler.  It's a remarkable routine.  Super funny.  

I like balloons for the comedy they can give me.  This gets me in trouble though.  I carry this over to when I do events.  My goal is to make people laugh.  Doing balloons fast and creating a line is not my style.  I like the mess, the mayhem.  I don't like lines.  I want to create a performance space wherever I am. 

I figure, you'll remember the laughter or at least the feeling of laughter.  The balloon lasts 30 minutes. 

This is a hard one to write because I get hired all the time to just be a balloon guy.  I'm well above average in my skills but I can't do big sculptures, backpacks for the kids to wear, sharks out of balloons.  So I try to make it up with comedy.  

I think it's funny that balloons make a farting noise.  

I'm pretty happy not tying a balloon and watching the balloon fly around the room.  

Either way.  Comedy or if you want to be the most amazing balloon maker around.  Think

What's amazing about a balloon?

You can take a balloon and make it into something.  That is just so cool.  And it stays that shape.  That is so cool.  I make someone smile.  That is so cool.  They cry when it breaks. That is so cool.  

I mean sad. 

If you are doing amazing balloons.  Look at the eyes watching you.  It's sort of the same look people have with a good storyteller.  They are watching, eyes unfocussed, amazed, their jaws dropped.  

Can we capitalize on that?  I think so.  Just stay aware of what people are looking at what you're doing. 

For someone like me, if I see I'm becoming a balloon machine.  I can forget to tie one, let it fly around break a balloon in half, hand it to two kids.  Have a kid do a raspberry and puff up a poodle tail.  That makes the balloons amazing again. I also get laughs.

If you aren't going for the comedy.  Have someone hold balloon after balloon while you build the amazing super hero you are creating.  Put all the balloons under your arms, then you can't find any place to hold anymore, so you drop them all.  

If you are making a giant creation.  Give it out two steps before your done. Then pull it back, add that little extra balloon.  Pull it back draw the face on.  Pull it back one more time to correct the face.  

This bit is good for any balloon. Make a dog.  Start to give it away, draw a face.  Pull it away to put a mouth.  Pull it away to make the poodle tail.  Pull it away to put eyelashes on.  Deflate the poodle tail, then puff it up again.  Then let the kid do it.  

Fundamentally.  It's taking something everyone knows (a balloon) and making it into something entirely different.  Remember this when you find yourself just making balloon after balloon.  

My Battle To Get An Agent...

My fabulous commercial agent Mary retired.

Leaving me to fend for myself.

Usually when agents retire, they sell the company to someone working there.  One of the newer lower level agents.  I gotta figure, the company is worth a lot of money, what with all the clients and actors begging for work.

Mary retired.

I love Mary for one very important reason. She took me on as a client.  Later she took my son on as a client too when he was about 8.  It was pretty awesome.

I'm in this fabulous position of getting a new agent.  Of wondering do I even want an agent?  I've never been very good at booking stuff and I have funny looking hair and my headshots are old and I'm not all that good looking.

I used to be good looking.

Now I'm ugly.

Maybe I've always been ugly.  When I look at my old photos, I was pretty good looking but maybe that's just in comparison to the ugliness that is me now.

I have a wall of headshots in my office.  It's my version of Dorian Grey.  I'm slowly melting.

I'm very fond of myself 

I Worked on my resume all morning.  I created a snarky cover letter.  

I haven't done this (looked for representation) in over 15 years.

Here's how you you do it.  How you get an agent.

Find a list of the franchised agents locally.  It's pretty easy.  Unless it's NYC or LA there are usually only 4 or 5.  Do a search for acting/modeling agencies.

Franchised means they are licensed or "condoned" or "tolerated" by SAG/AFTRA.  The union.  

If they aren't franchised, don't bother, it's likely they are schools disguised as agents.  From what I've seen only the franchised agents get you auditions.  When you audition you sign in, next to your name you put your agent.  I've never seen a non franchised agency next to anyone's name.

You need a resume formatted to look like all the others.  An acting resume does not look like a work resume.  If it looks wrong, they'll toss your resume and picture out. It means you're an amateur they don't need to waste their time.  It's hard to get an agent, so just play the game.

Get a nice headshot.  Don't get a friend that's a good photographer take one.  Spend the money.  There is a format to these.  If you don't follow the format, they'll toss you out.

My headshot is old.  It should get me in the door though.  If I can get a new agent, I'll have to fork over the $300 to $500 to get new ones.  Ugh.

I have less hair now

Usually as a clown, you can get in for the specialty file all the agents have to have.

Even as I work through this I'm so not excited.

I was surprised as I looked through the agents. Most were old school, they still wanted you to mail in a picture and resume.  Easy enough, I'm just out of stamps.

When I started years ago, I got an agent and ordered 300 photos and brought them in every few months with my resume glued to the back.  I learned from a class don't staple them because one agent cut his finger on a staple and he was pissed about it.  So I just used mucilage.  Now I just print it on my printer on the back of the photo.

It's a slow process.  you mail all these then, you'll get a call in a month to come in for an audition.

Gawd.  I've got so much work to do.

Anyway.  That's the process.  Make a nice resume.  Have a nice headshot.  Prepare a 90 second audition and wait.

Don't call my I'm sleeping right now

Me Too Hits The Clowns...

I'm super sad about Grandma clown in the Big Apple Circus.

That is definitely a weird sentence.  Grandma Clown is a dude and one of the funniest funniest clowns I have ever seen.  Seemed like a super nice guy...

On the surface.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/23/nyregion/big-apple-circus-grandma-clown-resigns.html


Another...tough sentence.  I've met him and know lots of people that know him.  What he did to an underage girl and to her life is monstrous and unforgivable.  I used to love Cosby too.  Had a huge influence on me.  Ruined lots of lives.

Grandma clown talked a 16 year old acrobat in the circus into posing in her underwear for him.  He has admitted this.  She has never gotten over it.  He's a monster.

The great thing about the me too movement.  It's caused incredible heroism.  This young woman can maybe get closure.  He will never do this to another girl.  He will never perform again.

it's not getting even.  It's getting things closed up.

In my experience.  Getting even never feels good.  But being told you're right, it's not your fault  feels good it's a big start.

I see a lot of comments on Facebook (I'm full of clown user groups and former Ringling clown groups) about how this will ruin clowning.  Just what we need, another thing that taints our profession.

So lame.

This is one awful person and one brave young woman that stepped forward.  How selfish to worry about yourself, your career, the "profession".

I'm going on a limb and say what he did was terrible.  He's a monster. Wow, aren't I amazing.

This has nothing to do with me.

I'm sad this woman and all the others.  (how could there not be lots of others that were just too embarrassed they never said anything?)  What happened in their lives make them take a turn in their lives that is so unfortunate.

I think of my family.  The thing that hurts me about being a father is when there is a roadblock for my children.  I want life to be easy and a straight line.  Of course there are challenges.

Then there is this. This isn't a roadblock it's a never ending hair pin.  This victim was a young performer.  She may have continued and had her dreams fulfilled.  That's a simplified version but I'm sure she her dream was shut down.

How many other things did she not try or go for because she was hurt and afraid?  Even simple non-threatening things.  "Come over and watch a movie..."  Wouldn't you be afraid to go to someone's house alone after what happened?

My work.  My profession.  Clowning will all survive.

Films are still being made despite Harvey.  The country still goes on despite the president.  The today show went on without Matt Lauer.

But how much talent is destroyed because one man can't control his weird fantasies?  And talent is so delicate.  It's so easy to exterminate.