You Think You've Seen Everything...

I was doing my usual craziness today, when a little boy came up to me and said "here clown".

He was holding a white tube.

Thanks.

He took it apart.  It was a white tube a cotton middle with a string hanging off.  

I told him to give  it to his mom, who about had an aneurism from laughter.  Apparently this 5 year old was digging around momma's purse and discovered a tampon.  I'm not one to judge but don't you need to buy those from a vending machine in truck-stop bathrooms?

In my line of work, when you think you've seen everything, there's always something else to see.

Killin’ Time On The Road...

I don’t travel much, not for work, not even for pleasure.   I’m broke all the time.  

I’m on a three day jaunt around the very lovely Monterey County.   I don’t notice if anything is lovely, I’m a clown on a mission. When I’m traveling I focus on getting there.  Generally, I’m running late to the mission, so I don’t look out the window, I look for police with radar guns. 

Monterey county is very rural.  This is Steinbeck country, he grew up here and wrote about the agriculture here.  This is the Grapes of Wrath, except people mostly have iphones. 

Kids come from all over the place to see me.  I’m doing 13 shows over a 5 day period. I kill it here, kids laugh and laugh.  I’m a huge celebrity, autographs, pictures with me, people shaking my hand.  It’s cool.  

After the shows, I find a bathroom and take off my make up. It’s quiet.  When I’m done, no one is around, they’ve all gone home.  It’s sort of a lonely feeling.  To get so much attention then nothing.  

Then I find someplace to eat.  Last night, I washed my costumes in a Laundromat, got a burrito next door, bought some supplies at an ACE hardware, took my half wet clothes back to the Day’s Inn.  And watched TV, till I fell asleep. 

I called home.  Having teenagers in the house is of no comfort when you’re away.  They answer questions but the least amount of words they can get away with. 

And here I am.  I woke early this morning and did lots of nothing.  

I left the motel for my first show in a little town of 800.  I’m an hour early with nothing to do. It’s a bit lonely.  

I always dreamed of touring.  When I toured in the circus, there were hundreds of people always around.  When I toured with partners in the Kloons, we were always together, so much so, I wanted to work solo.  

My dream of celebrity is here, the roars of laughter make people come from all over to see what in the heck is going on.  

In between.  It’s lonely.  As the saying goes.  Be careful of what you wish for. 

My Book, My Book, My Book...

I wrote a little book of comebacks years and years ago.  I called it 101 comebacks.  It included 120 comebacks but I liked 101 as a better title.

I sold it for $5 in the back of Laugh Maker Magazine. 

Then I wrote 101 More Comebacks.  

My ad cost $45 a month.  I didn't sell enough to cover the cost of the ad.  I thought it was cool though.  

I've revisited this book over and over.  I always thought there was something there.  I don't know of any books that just included comebacks for children's entertainers.  I didn't want to put anyone down I just want to make people laugh.  

The joke is called "Hey Quit Clowning Around"  Comebacks for the most commonly heard comments a children's entertainer hears.  

So, after a lot of work.  I'm sending my version off to a publisher.  It's 95 pages.  There are probably 1500 jokes in there.  It's really tough to edit, after working on one liners for hours, your mind gets really numb.  

I have worked, reworked reworded each joke umpteen times.  I think it's really funny.  

We'll see what a publisher says.  

Wish me luck.  

Being A "Proper" Actor On Set...

I shot a short film yesterday here in San Francisco.  Short films are the rage;  I don't know what happens to them, they end up being submitted to film festivals mostly.  I've been on sets for crazy huge million dollar productions and tiny productions, where it's just a camera, the director does the sound, lights and everything else.  And lots in between.

The production yesterday had a crew of 7.  There is a child in the opening scene, he's on for 5 seconds, I chase him off as the character, then it's me for the next five minutes on screen. 

I was thinking about how to be professional.  Being professional mostly means, keeping your mouth shut.  

The film I did yesterday is terrible, I think it will be a disaster.  I had a million opinions on making the story better but I am there as an actor, not a writer.  I was hired because I am a clown/actor, they wanted something physical with the acting.  I don't think the story will work.  Oh, well.  I'm sure carpenters build kitchens they think are ugly and still work keeping their judgement to themselves. 

On a set, stay positive.  I stayed on the set itself for nearly two hours while they fussed with lights and sound.  Being there in front of hot lights, is long and boring.   This is why they hire stand-ins for movie stars.  I volunteered to be on set, because you need a body, with the skin tone of the actor to adjust lights.  It's boring but it's part of the job, it's my being professional.  I sat there and played on my phone.  

This can't be understated arrive early.   You will always sit around on these things, always!  But the actor is the least/most important part of the shoot.  There is a crew working on angles, sound, lights.  This takes hours, the acting part, is the shortest.  But in the end, poor acting, poor movie.  You will be treated like a prop sometimes, then when your job happens, you are very very important.

Don't wander off.  Shout, "going to the bathroom".  If you leave.  

Be friendly.  You walk in after weeks of planning.  Don't chit chat with the crew.  Often they are waiting to do their job.  Talk, but keep the conversation very light, so they can break away easily, without being rude.  

We all think we're pretty important, save all that for your family.  

Don't offer to move things, it gets in the way.  You are like a model for an artist, they are painting and you need to hold still.  You wouldn't pose for an artist, then offer to get them a coke in the middle of the pose.  Film is just like that.  

When you shoot, take direction.  Let go of the "I've been doing this a long time" thing.  Yesterday was hard for me, the director was terrible, so I didn't know how to perform the thing.  He spoke English very haltingly and was afraid of telling me what to do.  I did what I could.  I kept my mouth shut, I wanted to shout, "tell me what to do?"  I took what I could from what he said and applied it, without the "I know what I'm doing" attitude. 

They seemed happy.  I had to do the performance over and over and over. 

You can't tell by the photos but it was a Twilight Zone sort of feel to the shoot.  I just can't help but pose.  

Feel free to ask questions if you are dying to get in front of the camera.  I've spent years and years in training, it's hard to come off comfortable.  I'll give my small bits of advice.  

Easy Easy Juggling....

There is an expectations about clowns.  Juggling, silly, fall down, play with balloons, sad, happy, don't talk, talk in a squeaky voice, are only men, are fat, are skinny, etc.  You can name a bunch, the clown is an iconic character.  People know a lot about clowns without thinking about it. 

People expect juggling of clowns.  You don't have to but if enough people mention it or request it.  My thought, give it to them.  You don't have to be a great juggler to juggle.  

I started clowning with the skill of juggling.  I get as much applause and laughter from my scarf juggling as my fancy club juggling.  

The downside of scarf juggling...can't do it outdoors.  Oh well.  

Scarves are tactile.  Children like the feel of them.  Juggling scarves come in neon colors. I have have  two boys help me, in this routine.  I take a green, I give one boy an orange scarf, then pull out the next boys favorite color...PINK!   It's fun and gets a good laugh, if you choose the right child.  Usually a 6 year old boy. 

The kids throw a scarf in the air, catch it and pose.  I show them, then make a big deal about how to pose, correcting them again and again.  We do the same gag with the colors for two scarves (I take green, one orange and their favorite...pink!).  I have the boys throw them up, catch them, spin, dance like ballerinas and pose.  They are now jugglers with two.  I call them jugglers, so they are to the audience.   

When I get to three.  I say, "I'll show you how easy it is".  Then I throw up scarves and just try to keep them in the air, one at a time.  The kids laugh, it's super clowny and it's certainly juggling.  You can do juggling patterns but the wider, the more you have to run, the better and funnier. 

I get behind the children with their scarves, they throw theirs up with mine and we try to keep them in the air.  I have extras in my pockets, that I can throw up.  It's very visual and looks like the children are in a washing machine.  

Ta da a juggling routine.  And you can honestly say you have juggling in your show.  

Now that you're an expert with scarf juggling here are other things to play with.  If you throw a scarf straight up, you can blow it up in the air.  You could do a scarf juggling routine to music with every pink one floating up, ending with it landing on your face like a bride's vail.  

You can trail a scarf on the ground like a snake, then when it flies up, it scares you.  If you hold the scarf 2/3 from the top you can make it look around at you and the crowd. 

You could end the scarf routine by catching the scarves in a change bag.  reach in and find them all tied together when you reach into the bag.  Or you catch 3 in the change bag after juggling, reach in and pull out scarf after scarf after scarf, they are very light so you could probably easily pull out 15.  

I used to do a recycling routine in my show with those awful plastic shopping bags from my house.  Plastic grocery bags float the same as scarves.  I tried to keep as many as I could in the air, but I couldn't.  Just like the planet I couldn't handle too much garbage.  Easy message for children.  And I was able to use the thousand grocery bags from my cupboard at home.  

Need ideas?  Ask in comments below.  

Should I incorporate?

I really appreciate John's question:

I'm debating whether to operate as a DBA or an LLC.  I feel like the former should meet my needs in the short term (claiming expenses on income tax, being able to accept checks etc.) and the latter offers more separation between my business and personal finances (and can keep people from suing me for everything I own, which is important!). But I generally have the business sense of a rutabaga, so help!!!

Dear Rutabaga, 

Don't do an LLC.  

From what I understand, it doesn't protect you all that much and it's expensive.  I started the process here once.  The filing is expensive and California had a minimum of $800 a year to maintain the LLC.  I assume other states do the same sort of thing.  I bailed on that one.  

Just get insurance.  This is what I use, they are attentive and have everything covered.  I'm sure if you need additional insurance, they would be happy to take your money.  http://www.specialtyinsuranceagency.com/

I've never heard of anyone being sued.  I've never even known anyone that had to use their insurance.  But of course, it's good to have.

I've used a DBA for as long as I've been a clown.  If you don't know what a DBA is;  It stands for Don't Buy Aspertame.  

Actually, Doing Business As.  On my checks it says David Magidson DBA Boswick the Clown.  I originally wanted a dba so I could always maintain character.  "just make the check to Boswick the Clown..."  

When you file, you just do a schedule C like all businesses.  It's not that hard, you just divide up expenses.  Props, office expense, costume, advertising, fake poop.  My small tricks, I have a business checking and a business credit card.  At the end of the year, everything on there is a tax deduction.  Credit cards are pretty good at saying where you used the card.  Of course only use the credit card for business expenses, then you just put everything into a category.  

Unless you own a home etc, I think you can probably do your own taxes.  I am married, have a house so I use an accountant.  Plus I hate doing taxes.  

Be careful with mileage, find out the rules.  Don't ask friends, you will always get the wrong answer, just go to the irs home page and dig through.  I have a couple of friends that use a small office or storage unit to store props.  They count their mileage from there.  If you use your house as your home base, you can't write off the mileage to your first gig of the day, it's considered normal commuting.  

Also, you will be asked to charity work and EVERYONE will say you can write this off.  Nope.  You can write off mileage, balloons you use but that's it.  You can't write off services.  The point is, you can say you charge $50,000 per show and write all that off.  Do charity but just because it's a good thing to do.

What Does a Clown Do On Their Own Birthday?

I have to admit, I'm a bit snarly about my own birthdays.  I don't like aging...or more precisely, not aging by being dead.

Hey, for a clown, I'm a pretty morbid guy.

Today, I turned 50...ouch.  I told my wife, three weeks ago, please no celebration.

She didn't listen, we had a gathering.  I'm glad it was fun.  I was really dreading being the center of attention.  I know odd right?  I was really dreading all the jokes about one step closer to death.  Jokes about the best part of my life being behind me.  People saying 50 is the new 30.

50 is the new 50.  I'm bald.  My kids ignore me and I'm now depressing myself.

For a clown, I'm a pretty morbid guy.

Parties are fun though.  I think it's like doing a favor for someone and you say, no, it's nothing...and they say, really I appreciate it, you say, it's nothing etc.  It's mean to not accept a thank you from someone.

And it's mean when you have a big birthday not to just be there and accept that people want to celebrate and they want to acknowledge you.

I had fun tonight.  As my brother Steve said, I round up, you're a hundred.  I feel a hundred.

For a clown, I'm a pretty morbid guy.